“The slave brought me this unlucky barber, who is here present. After having saluted me, he said, ‘Sir, by your countenance you seem to be unwell.’ I replied, that I was recovering from a very severe illness. ‘I wish God may preserve you from all kinds of evils,’ continued he, ‘and may his grace accompany you every where.’—‘I hope he will grant this wish,’ said I, ‘for which I am much obliged to you.’—‘As you are now recovering from illness,’ resumed he, ‘I pray God that he will preserve you in health. Now tell me what is your pleasure; I have brought my razors and my lancets; do you wish me to shave or to bleed you?’—‘Did I not tell you,’ returned I, ‘that I am recovering from illness? You may suppose, then, that I did not send for you to bleed me. Be quick and shave me, and do not lose time in talking, for I am in a hurry, and have an appointment precisely at noon.’
“The barber employed a great deal of time in undoing his apparatus and preparing his razors; instead of putting some water into his bason, he drew out of his case a very nice astrolabe, went out of my room, and walked into the middle of the court, with a sedate step, to take the height of the sun. He returned with the same gravity, and on entering the chamber, ‘You will, no doubt, be glad to learn, sir,’ said he, ‘that this Friday is the eighteenth day of the moon of Safar, in the year six hundred and fifty three, [6] since the retreat of our great prophet from Mecca to Medina, and in the year seven thousand three hundred and twenty, [7] of the epoch of the great Iskander with the two horns; and that the conjunction of Mars and Mercury signifies, that you cannot choose a better time than the present day and present hour to be shaved. But, on the other side, this conjunction forms a bad presage for you. It demonstrates to me, that you in this day will encounter a great danger; not indeed of losing your life, but of an inconvenience which will remain with you all your days; you ought to be obliged to me for advertising you to be careful of this misfortune; I should be sorry that it befel you.’
“Judge, gentlemen, of my vexation, at having fallen in the way of this chattering and ridiculous barber: what a mortifying delay for a lover, who was preparing for a tender meeting with his mistress! I was quite exasperated. ‘I care very little,’ said I angrily, ‘either for your advice or your predictions: I did not send for you to consult you on astrology; you came here to shave me; therefore either perform your office or take yourself away, that I may send for another barber.’
“‘Sir,’ replied he, in a tone so phlegmatic that I could scarcely contain myself, ‘What reason have you to be angry? Do not you know, that all barbers are not like me, and that you would not find another such, even if you had him made on purpose. You only asked for a barber, and in my person are united the best barber of Bagdad, an experienced physician, a profound chemist, a never-failing astrologer, a finished grammarian, a perfect rhetorician, a subtle logician; a mathematician, thoroughly accomplished in geometry, arithmetic, astronomy, and in all the refinements of algebra; an historian, who is acquainted with the history of all the kingdoms in the universe. Besides these sciences, I am well instructed in all the points of philosophy; and have my memory well stored with all our laws and all our traditions. I am a poet, an architect; but what am I not? There is nothing in nature concealed from me. Your late honored father, to whom I pay a tribute of tears every time I think of him, was fully convinced of my merit. He loved me, caressed me, and never ceased quoting me in all companies, as the first man in the whole world. My gratitude and friendship for him attaches me to you; and urges me to take you under my protection, and insure you from all the misfortunes with which the planets may threaten you.’
“At this speech, notwithstanding my anger, I could not help laughing. ‘When do you mean to have done, impertinent chatterer,’ cried I, ‘and when do you intend to begin shaving me?’
“‘Sir,’ replied the barber, ‘you do me an injury by calling me a chatterer: every one, on the contrary, bestows on me the honorable appellation of silent. I had six brothers, whom you might with some reason have termed chatterers, and that you may be acquainted with them, the eldest was named Bacbouc, the second Bakbarah, the third Bakbac, the fourth Alcouz, the fifth Alnaschar, and the sixth Shacabac. These were indeed most tiresome talkers, but I, who am the youngest of the family, am very grave and concise in my discourses.’
“Place yourselves in my situation, gentlemen; what could I do with so cruel a tormentor? ‘Give him three pieces of gold,’ said I to the slave who overlooked the expenses of my house, ‘and send him away, that I may be at peace; I will not be shaved to-day.’—‘Sir!’ cried the barber, at hearing this, ‘what am I to understand, sir, by these words? It was not I who came to seek you; it was you who ordered me to come; and that being the case, I swear by the faith of a musselman, that I will not quit your house till I have shaved you. If you do not know my worth, it is no fault of mine; your late honored father was more just to my merits. Every time, when he sent for me to bleed him, he used to make me sit down by his side, and then it was delightful to hear the clever things I entertained him with. I kept him in continual admiration; I enchanted him; and when I had done, ‘Ah!’ cried he, ‘you are an inexhaustible fund of science; no one can approach the profoundness of your knowledge.’—‘My dear sir,’ I used to reply, ‘you do me more honor than I deserve. If I say a good thing, I am indebted to you for the favorable hearing you are so good as to grant me: it is your liberality that inspires me with those sublime ideas which have the good fortune to meet your approbation.’ One day, when he was quite charmed with an admirable discourse I had just concluded, ‘Give him,’ cried he, ‘an hundred pieces of gold, and put him on one of my richest robes!’ I received this present immediately; and at the same instant I drew out his horoscope, which I found to be one of the most fortunate in the world. I carried the proofs of my gratefulness still farther, for I cupped him instead of bleeding him with a lancet.’
“He did not stop here; he began another speech which lasted a full half hour. Fatigued with hearing him, and vexed at finding the time pass without my getting forward, I knew not what more to say. ‘No indeed,’ at length I exclaimed, ‘it is not possible that there should exist, in the whole world, a man who takes greater delight in enraging people.’
“I then thought I might succeed better by gentle means. ‘In the name of God,’ I said to him, ‘leave off your fine speeches, and finish with me quickly: I have an affair of the greatest importance, which obliges me to go out, as I have already told you.’ At these words he began to laugh. ‘It would be very praiseworthy,’ said he, ‘if our minds were always wise and prudent; however, I am willing to believe, that, when you put yourself in a passion with me, it was your late illness which occasioned this change in your temper; on this account, therefore, you are in need of some instructions, and you cannot do better than follow the example of your father and your grandfather: they used to come and consult me in all their affairs; and I may safely say, without vanity, that they were always the better for my advice. Let me tell you, sir, that a man scarcely ever succeeds in any enterprise, if he has not recourse to the opinions of enlightened persons: no man becomes clever, says the proverb, unless he consults a clever man. I am entirely at your service, and you have only to command me.’
“‘Cannot I then persuade you,’ interrupted I, ‘to desist from these long speeches, which tend to no purpose but to distract my head, and prevent me from keeping my appointment: shave me directly, or leave my house.’ In saying this I arose, and angrily struck my foot against the ground.