“When he saw that I was really exasperated with him, ‘Sir,’ said he, ‘do not be angry; we are going to begin directly.’ In fact he washed my head, and began to shave me; but he had not made four strokes with his razor, when he stopped to say, ‘Sir, you are hasty; you should abstain from these gusts of passion, which only come from the devil. Besides which, I deserve that you should have some respect for me on account of my age, my knowledge, and my striking virtues.’
“‘Go on shaving me,’ said I, interrupting him again, ‘and speak no more,’—‘That is to say,’ replied he, ‘that you have some pressing affair on your hands; I’ll lay a wager that I am not mistaken.’—‘Why I told you so two hours ago,’ returned I, ‘you ought to have shaved me long since.’—‘Moderate your ardor,’ replied he, ‘perhaps you have not considered well of what you are going to do; when one does any thing precipitately, it is almost always a source of repentance. I wish you would tell me what this affair is, that you are in such haste about, and I will give you my opinion on it: you have plenty of time, for you are not expected till noon, and it will not be noon these three hours.’—‘That is nothing to me,’ said I, ‘people of honor, who keep their word, are always before the time appointed. But I perceive that in reasoning thus with you, I am imitating the faults of chattering barbers; finish shaving me quickly.’
“The more anxious I was for dispatch, the less so was he to obey me. He left his razor to take up his astrolabe; and when he put down his astrolabe he took up his razor.
“He got his astrolabe a second time, and left me half shaved to go and see what o’clock it was precisely. He returned. ‘Sir,’ said he, ‘I was certain I was not mistaken; it wants three hours to noon, I am well assured, or all the rules of astronomy are false.’—‘Gracious Heaven!’ cried I, ‘my patience is exhausted, I can hold out no longer. Cursed barber, ill-omen’d barber, I can hardly refrain from falling upon thee and strangling thee.’—‘Softly sir,’ said he coolly, and without showing any emotion and anger, ‘you seem to have no fear of bringing on your illness again; do not be so passionate and you shall be shaved in a moment.’ Saying this he put the astrolabe in his case, took his razor, which he sharpened on the strop that was fastened to his girdle, and began to shave me; but whilst he was shaving he could not help talking. ‘If you would, sir,’ said he, ‘inform me what this affair is, that will engage you at noon, I would give you some advice, which you might find serviceable.’ To satisfy him, I told him that some friends expected me at noon to regale me, and rejoice with me on my recovery.
“No sooner had the barber heard me mention a feast, than he exclaimed, ‘God bless you on this day as well as on every other; you bring to my mind, that yesterday I invited four or five friends to come and regale with me to-day; I had forgotten it, and have not made any preparations for them.’—‘Let not that embarrass you,’ said I; ‘although I am going out, my table is always well supplied, and I make you a present of all that is intended for it to-day; I will also give you as much wine as you want, for I have some excellent in my cellar; but then you must be quick in finishing to shave me; and remember that instead of making you presents to hear you talk, as my father did, I give them to you to be silent.’
“He was not content to rely on my word. ‘May God recompense you,’ cried he, ‘for the favor you do me; but show me directly these provisions, that I may judge if there will be enough to regale my friends handsomely; for I wish them to be satisfied with the good cheer I shall give them.’—‘I have,’ said I, ‘a lamb, six capons, a dozen of fowls, and sufficient for four courses.’ I gave orders to a slave to produce all that, together with four large jugs of wine. ‘This is well,’ replied the barber, ‘but we shall want some fruit, and something for sauce to the meat.’ I desired what he wanted to be given him. He left off shaving me to examine each thing separately, and as this examination took up nearly half an hour, I stamped and swore; but I might amuse myself as I pleased, the rascal did not hurry a bit the more. At length, however, he again took up the razor and shaved for a few minutes, then stopping suddenly, ‘I should never have supposed, sir,’ said he, ‘that you had been of so liberal a turn; I begin to discover, that your late father, of honored memory, lives a second time in you; certainly I did not deserve the favors you heap on me; and I assure you, that I shall retain an eternal sense of the obligation; for, sir, that you may know it in future, I will tell you that I have nothing but what I get from generous people like yourself, in which I resemble Zantout, who rubs people at the bath, and Sali, who sells little burnt peas about the streets, and Salouz, who sells beans and Akerscha, who sells herbs, and Abou Mekares, who waters the streets to lay the dust, and Cassem, who belongs to the caliph’s guard: all these people give no reception to melancholy; they are neither sorrowful nor quarrelsome; better satisfied with their fortune than the caliph himself in the midst of his court, they are always gay and ready to dance and sing; and they have each their peculiar dance and song, with which they entertain the whole city of Bagdad; but what I esteem the most in them is, that they are none of them great talkers any more than your slave, who has the honor of speaking to you. Here, sir, I will give you the song and the dance of Zantout, who rubs the people at the bath; look at me, and you will see an exact imitation.’
“The barber sung the song and danced the dance of Zantout, and notwithstanding all I could say to make him cease his buffoonery, he would not stop till he had imitated in the same way all those he had mentioned. After that, ‘Sir,’ said he, ‘I am going to invite all these good people to my house, and if you will take my advice, you will be of our party, and leave your friends, who are perhaps great talkers, and will only disturb you by their tiresome conversations, and will make you relapse into an illness still worse than that from which you are just recovered; instead of which, at my house, you will only enjoy pleasure.’
“Notwithstanding my anger, I could not avoid laughing at his folly. ‘I wish,’ said I, ‘that I had no other engagement, and I would gladly accept your proposal; I would with all my heart make one of your jolly set, but I must entreat you to excuse me, I am too much engaged to-day; I shall be more at liberty another day, and we will have this party: finish shaving me, and hasten to return, for perhaps your friends are already arrived.’—‘Sir,’ replied he, ‘do not refuse me the favor I ask of you. Come and amuse yourself with the good company I shall have; if you had once been with such people, you would have been so pleased with them, that you would give up your friends for them.’—‘Say no more about it,’ said I; ‘I cannot be present at your feast.’
“I gained nothing by gentleness. ‘Since you will not come with me,’ replied the barber, ‘you must allow me then to accompany you. I will go home with the provisions you have given me; my friends shall eat of them if they like; and I will return immediately. I cannot commit such an incivility as to suffer you to go alone; you deserve this piece of complaisance on my part.’—‘Good heaven,’ exclaimed I, on hearing this,’ am I then condemned to bear this whole day so tormenting a creature! In the name of the great God,’ said I to him, ‘finish your tiresome speeches; go to your friends; eat and drink, and entertain yourselves, and leave me at liberty to go to mine. I will go alone, and do not want any one to accompany me; and indeed if you must know the truth, the place where I am going is not one in which you can be received; I only can be admitted.’—‘You are joking, sir,’ replied he, ‘if your friends have invited you to an entertainment, what reason can prevent me from accompanying you? You will give them great pleasure, I am sure, by taking with you a man like me, who has the art of entertaining a company and making them merry. Say what you will, sir, I am resolved to go in spite of you.’
“These words, gentlemen, threw me into the greatest embarrassment. ‘How can I possibly contrive to get rid of this infernal barber,’ thought I to myself. ‘If I continue obstinately to contradict him, our contest will never be finished. I have already waited till they have called the people to noon prayers for the first time,’ and as it was now almost the moment to set out, I determined, therefore, not to answer him a single word, and to appear as if I agreed to every thing he said. He finished shaving me, and he had no sooner done, than I said to him, ‘Take some of my people with you to carry these provisions home; then return here; I will wait, and not go without you.’