The spokesman's secretary

by Upton Sinclair

And there is another guy that is a big mill-owner by the name of Senator Buttles and he has been the Spokesman’s real boss and now is the political manager and he is supposed to run the machine and all the other politicians and the other senators. But he is a flop at the job because you see he is one of these hard-boiled guys that is used to running a factory and to say for things to be done just so and if you dont like it you can get the hell out of here. But the other senators aint used to the job being done that way they is mostly old guys of the sporting sort that buy their bootleg liquor right in the lobby and they dont like the Spokesman and His blue-nose cheese-paring crowd that He has brought along from the artic regions and there is war between them and Mr. Edgerton has to work hard to keep it from busting into the papers some day.

And Mr. Edgerton says the Spokesman is very worried about that story about the camelephant. He thinks maybe the people will think it is not dignified for the greatest Man in the world to be riding on a camelephant in His pajamas in His bedroom. And I says, “Well I should of thought that is just where they would think He should ride,” I says. “The undignified part would be if He was to ride a camelephant on the street in His pajamas.” And Mr. Edgerton says that is quite true and I always think of things in just the right way and if I am sure that the plain people will see it that way the Spokesman will be less unhappy.

Mr. Edgerton says there is nothing in the whole world that worries the Spokesman so much as being made fun of because He is very serious about His job and wants people to be serious about Him. And I says, “Of course He would have to be,” I says, “for it is no joke to know that a hundred millions of people is waiting for you to teach them what to think and a Man that has got to talk to all the reporters of all the newspapers of the whole world has got a job that will keep Him looking serious.”

“Well that is just what it does,” says Mr. Edgerton and he says, “You feel quite sure that it wont hurt Him about the camelephant?”

I says, “Anybody that laughs about such a thing will be no good American,” I says. “The plain people like I know back in the gas-house district of Camden New Jersey,” I says, “will think that a Man that has to teach them and govern them and manage their international affairs should be a sober Man and a moral Man with no time for foolishness,” I says. “I dont suppose He rides that camelephant for fun,” I says.

And Mr. Edgerton says, “No it is for His liver.”

And I says, “Exactly He has got to take care of His liver of course,” I says. “And while He rides He will have His mind on the government and He will not let Himself be worried by no laughing jackasses along the roadside.”

Mr. Edgerton says that when the Spokesman saw the story in print He was fearful peeved and could not talk about nothing else all day He demanded to know who had give that camelephant away to the reporters and He told Mr. Edgerton to go and find out. And Mr. Edgerton went first to Mr. Grandaddy Prows and the old gentleman said he was not at liberty to say but in strict confidence he had an idea that it was Senator Buttles that had give it out. And then Mr. Edgerton went to Senator Buttles and asked him who had give it out and Senator Buttles said that he was not at liberty to say but in strict confidence he had an idea that it was Mr. Prows that had give it out. And gee Mom would you think that a palace would be so much like the Elite Beauty Parlors?

Well Mom I could of listened all day to international affairs like this but I had got nervous about all this intreeging and I looks about and there at one of the tables is sitting the same feller that I seen at the table the other night trying to listen in on our talk. “Mr. Edgerton,” I says, “we are being shadowed again.” And after that he was so uneasy that his mind was not on what I was saying. And he says, “When we go out you must let me put you into a taxi because it will not be so easy for him to follow you and I will go another way and lose him in the crowd,” he says.

So he gives me money for the fare and we goes out and he puts me into a cab and away I go and pretty soon I look back and there is the lights of another car behind us and so I watches and that car follows us all the time so I tell my driver not to take me no farther but to let me out and I will save most of my fare. And when I get out I see that the other car stops too and waits to see where I am going and then it follows slow.