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Dear Farmer Billy—As an honest tiller of the soil, perhaps you can tell me the difference between an apple and a girl?—Ann Arbor.
Sure, you have to squeeze an apple before you can get cider. But with a girl, you have to get “side” ’er before you can squeeze her.
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Dear Captain Bill—I live in Milwaukee and a neighbor of mine is always making home beer. Who should I report it to?—Adam Sapple.
Notify the American consul.
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Dear Sir and Captain—My husband, whenever he comes home intoxicated from moonshine liquor, kicks me in the stomach. What would you advise me to do?—Abused Wife.
Turn your back on the brute.