A lawyer was defending a man accused of housebreaking, and said to the court:
“Your Honor, I submit that my client did not break into the house at all. He found the parlor window open and merely inserted his right arm and removed a few trifling articles. Now, my client’s arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by only one of his limbs.”
“That argument,” said the judge, “is very well put. Following it logically, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled, and with his lawyer’s assistance unscrewed his cork arm, and, leaving it in the dock, walked out.
The Old Man Knew Best
“I took three bottles of your medicine, and I feel like a new woman,” read the testimonial. “John,” she said in a shrill, piping voice, “I think this is exactly what I need. I have been feeling bad for quite a spell back, and the lady was symptomated just exactly as I feel. I believe I will try three bottles and see if it will make a new woman out of me.”
“Not much, Maria,” said John, with tremendous earnestness. “Not if I know it. I don’t mind spending three dollars on you if you feel bad, but I ain’t a-goin’ to have you made into any of these here new women, gaddin’ about the city to women’s clubs and savin’ the country that don’t need savin’. You jest mix up some sulphur and molasses and take it, and you will feel better, but don’t let me hear no more of this new-woman nonsense.”
Watch and Pray
A pompous old Bishop was one morning breakfasting at a country inn where it had been his lot to spend the night. As he approached the table he found at his place a fine trout well cooked and tempting. He closed his eyes to say his grace before meat, not noticing a Quaker gentleman seated opposite, who, with a mischievous smile, reached over quickly and scooped the fish over to his own plate.
Having finished his prayer the Bishop opened his eyes and prepared to enjoy the trout, but to his surprise and dismay it had disappeared.