As specimens of the retort courteous and the retort uncourteous, observe the two which ensue:
"Two of the guests at a public dinner having got into an altercation, one of them, a blustering vulgarian, vociferated: 'Sir, you're no gentleman!' 'Sir,' said his opponent, in a calm voice, 'you are no judge!'"
Talleyrand, being questioned on one occasion by a man who squinted awfully, with several importunate questions, concerning his leg, recently broken, replied:
"It is quite crooked—as you see!"
If you have ever been a pic-nicking, reader, you will appreciate the annoyances set forth in these lively lines by a modern poet. We went on one of these excursions in August, not many years ago, and while addressing some words that we intended should be very agreeable, to a charming young lady in black, seated by our side, on the bank of a pleasant lake, in the upper region of the Ramapo mountains, a huge garter-snake crept forth at our feet, hissing at our intrusion upon his domain! How the young lady did scamper!—and how we did the same thing, for that matter! But we must not forget the lines we were speaking of:
Half-starved with hunger, parched with thirst,
All haste to spread the dishes,
When lo! we find the soda burst,
Amid the loaves and fishes;
Over the pie, a sudden sop,
The grasshoppers are skipping,
Each roll's a sponge, each loaf a mop,
And all the meat is dripping.
Bristling with broken glass you find
Some cakes among the bottles,
Which those may eat, who do not mind
Excoriated throttles:
The biscuits now are wiped and dried,
When shrilly voices utter:
"Look! look! a toad has got astride
Our only plate of butter!"
Your solids in a liquid state,
Your cooling liquids heated,
And every promised joy by Fate
Most fatally defeated:
All, save the serving-men, are soured,
They smirk, the cunning sinners!
Having, before they came, devoured
Most comfortable dinners.