After this no one seemed disposed to move, and the High Sheriff declared Toby, M.P., duly elected. There were loud cries for the Member, who, overcoming natural and usually insuperable diffidence, got on his hind legs.
"Brother electors," he said, "it is an old saying, 'What Barkshire thinks to-day, England will do to-morrow.' Obviously some inaccuracy underlies the aphorism, since whilst you have to-day thought me worthy of being elected your Member, it's no use England coming round to-morrow and asking me to represent it in the Commons House of Parliament. This is the fourth time Barkshire has done me this honour; and base indeed is the man—(A Voice, 'Who pays')—who could be insensible to such testimony of confidence and esteem. Brother electors—(A Voice, 'Who stole the Emperor William's uniform?' Disturbance at the end of the hall. Another Voice, 'Chuck him out.') No, electors of Barkshire, let him stay. If he is put outside, he loses the opportunity of observing your behaviour, and learning how gentlemen comport themselves when publicly assembled in discharge of a solemn duty. (Loud cheers. A Voice, 'That fetches 'em!') I was about to observe, when our friend's feelings temporarily overcame him, that since I entered the room I have had a number of questions handed up to me. They are a little late, since I am no longer a candidate but am duly elected. That, however unusual the case may be, makes no difference. The first question is: 'Will you, if elected, see that every man in Barkshire over fifty years of age has three acres of the best land in the parish, with a cow for every adult child and a calf a-piece for each infant in arms?' Certainly; I hope I may live to see established those desirable conditions as between man and man. (Cheers.) Another esteemed friend asks: 'Do you understand Local Veto to mean that a man may go into the public-house, take his noggin or what not, and when asked to pay may refuse?' I could not if I tried put my views on the situation more clearly. The Veto, as you all know, is a Latin word meaning to vete, or, as we say in English, to refuse to stump up. A public-house is, according to 19 Vict. c. 190, a locality. Local Veto is, therefore, the inalienable right of the English citizen as defined by my friend. (Loud cheers.) 'Are you in favour of Equalisation of the Rates?' To be frank with you, my idea of rates is that they should be equalised to the extent that makes them absolutely impalpable. ('No, no.' 'Yes, yes.' Uproar under the gallery. Cries of 'Judas!' A free fight, during which a man was ejected, omitting to take his coat with him.) Don't put him out; don't put anyone out. If there's a renewal of the interruption, form a ring round the man; then we will see where we are. Here's another question: 'Do you approve of Ice Creams made in foreign prisons smuggled over here in barrel-organs and ground out in our streets, ruining the digestion of our working men?' That is a question which hardly seems to need reply from a patriotic Englishman. But I will say—and you observe I say it emphatically—No. (Loud cheering.) 'Are you in favour of a Second Chamber, or do you go the length of Tenification?' That is a very nice question. It shows how deeply and intelligently the men of Barkshire study the questions of the day. It is not a matter on which I, for one, care to dogmatize; I will therefore content myself with saying, that between two and ten we might find the happy medium. (More cheering, the audience rising to their feet, waving hats and handkerchiefs.) Now, gentlemen, that's all the questions I have, and I hope you'll agree that I have answered them frankly. Ah! here's another one coming up. (A dirty piece of paper is passed from hand to hand till it reached the hon. Member.) 'Could you lend me five bob till Saturday night?' (Laughter, in which the hon. Member heartily joined.) I think, gentlemen, it is time we now proposed a vote of thanks to the High Sheriff." (This was carried unanimously, and the meeting broke up. A torch-light procession conducted the popular member to his family seat, The Kennel, Barks.)
A LITERARY TURN.
There was a case in the Edinburgh Court of Session the other day, which shows what is thought of authors north of the Tweed—and not by publishers, either. A witness remarked of a "defender" that "he was of a literary turn of mind, and he thought that spoiled him." Many persons have had similar thoughts, but they have generally refrained from uttering them quite so bluntly.
Mistress Hathaway rejoiced in a daughter christened Anne,
Whose proceedings she regarded with concern;
Quoth she—"That Willum Shakspeare as a son-in-law I ban.
Why? Because he has a literary turn."
Growled Sir W-ll-m, on perusal of a certain Life of Pitt—
"Well, we all unquestionably live and learn;
But, in spite of Dizzy's precedent, I don't believe one bit
In a Premier with a literary turn."
Said W-ls-l-y, when a recent work he blankly had surveyed—
"To answer this biography I yearn.
What an admirable soldier H-ml-y might, perhaps, have made,
If he had not had a literary turn!"
"Just on the Cards."—Herr Iff's orchestra. In how uncertain a state of mind would a telegram from Herr Iff leave the giver of the entertainment who, having requested wire informing him whether Herr Iff and his band could come, should receive this reply: "If can come will be there at hour stated." This supposes that some well-informed, grammatical, telegraphic young lady-clerk has corrected the spelling of "Iff." À propos of Iff, a complete entertainment would be a recital by the Veteran Howe of Watts' poems, accompanied by Iff's band; and a reading from Le Château d'If.
Intelligible, but not Clear.—"I think," said Mrs. R.'s married niece, "that good singing is quite wasted on an ordinary evening party. Now I remember an evening when Santley sang in a crowded drawing-room at our house, and a pin might have dropped!"