Not the Learned Pig, ladies and gentlemen, this time. Oh dear no! I should think the public had had about enough of him for some time to come, and—— Oh, I forgot! (Aside: He'll have to be trotted out again presently, so I'd better shut up, and not spoil the market for Misther O'Morley.) As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, not the Learned Irish Pig, but the Learned Welsh Goat!
A goat, you know, is a nimble creature, which, in a state of nature, mounts pinnacles, and leaps from rock to rock, like the poor gentleman in the Contrabandista. This one could climb a church steeple, and balance itself on the weathercock—if permitted to do so. Couldn't you, Taffy? (Aside: I hope the blessed brute won't butt me. He's been a bit restive of late.)
No, ladies and gentlemen, Esmeralda's goat was really not in it with mine, for nimbleness and nous, much less the goat in Dinorah. As to Robinson Crusoe's much talked of animal—— Here, I say, Taffy! Crwych llnwyddfohw ychonbompthyy kckonobommthygy! That means, "Mind your 'p's' and 'q's'," ladies and gentlemen, or, in Welsh, "Mind your 'l's' and 'y's.'" But my goat understands English quite well, as you'll see presently, and, moreover, is not, as Lord Rosebery says most other members of the Liberal Party are, floored by words of two syllables. Taffy is equal to five—at least! Most Welsh words, you know, are in about twenty. At least, they look so, to non-Welshers—I mean, non-Welshmen. (Aside: Hope they won't ask me what is the Welsh for "Ploughing the Sands"!)
Now, you see, ladies and gentlemen, here are sixteen letters, scattered, "in pie," as it were, forming a word of five syllables, which has been familiar in our mouths as "All the Year Round"—I mean household words—of late. (Aside: Indeed it has! And if they knew what a bore it has become in Cabinet Councils and other places where they squabble—— Well, no matter!) Behold the letters, ladies and gentlemen!
M. B. L. E. A. T. I. S. H. D. I. S. S. E. N.T
Now, Taffy, what can you make of that? Watch him, ladies and gentlemen! Mark his sagacity! And remember, it is all done by kindness! (Aside: Yes, "by Cadwallader and all his goats," it wouldn't do to try anything else with this animal, or we should all be sprawling in no time!)
Plbymbch y llnrnwtclfly, Taffy! See, he starts with "a big, big D." No profanity intended, I assure you. This is a Noncomformist goat, and carries a conscience! D. I. S. Ah! that, too, hath an ominous sound, Taff! But you're not through yet. E. S. T. A. B! How carefully, yet how confidently, he picks them out. No hesitation, no indecision. Ah! Gallant Little Taffy knows his book! D. I. S. E. S. T. A. B—— Well, and what's the next letter, Taffy?
[Left spelling it out.