Miss Dorothy Shuttle (as "Belinda"). "Well, I'm sure; I never was so spoken to afore. (To her imaginary children.) Did the horrid man scold them, then, pretty dears? (To Debenham.) You a Colonel? You ain't fit to be a General in the Salvation Army. Imperence!" [Exit, wheeling an imaginary perambulator.
Boldero (enthusiastically). Excellent! That couldn't have been done better. When we get the perambulator and the babies, it's bound to go. (Miss Dorothy Shuttle is much pleased, and foresees several stalls being taken on the occasion of her next benefit.) Now, then (to Spinks, who thinks it a mistake that a Stage Manager should stop to praise anybody, with one exception, of course, at rehearsal), Spinks, hurry up a bit, hurry up!
Spinks. My dear Boldero, I'm perfectly ready to begin as soon as ever the talking stops. I know my cues, I fancy; but it's quite hopeless to get on if everybody wants to talk at the same moment. (Resumes his part as "Colonel Debenham," shaking his fist at the departing Belinda.) "Impertinent minx! (Turns furiously on Gushby, who is on the stage in the character of Tilbury, the comic Squire.) And you, Sir, what in the name of fifty thousand jackasses, do you mean by standing there grinning from ear to ear like a buck nigger? But I'll not stand it any longer, Sir, not for a moment. D'ye hear, you miserable turnip-faced bumpkin, d'ye hear?" (Carried away by histrionic enthusiasm, Spinks brings his fist down violently on the precise spot where a table ought to be, but is not, standing. As a natural result, he hits himself with much force on his leg. The others laugh, and the Ladies turn away giggling, feeling that they ought to be sympathetic. The unfortunate Spinks hurts himself considerably, and is furious. Coming, as it were, right out of the part, and being temporarily himself again, only in a rage, he addresses the Stage Manager.) Upon my soul, Boldero, this is perfectly infamous. How often have I begged you to get that table placed there at all costs, and time after time you forget it. I know what it is; you want to make me ridiculous. But you'll be d—— (suddenly remembers that ladies are present, and substitutes a milder expletive)—confoundedly sorry for yourself when you find I'm too lame to act, and the whole of your precious piece will be ruined. You'll none of you get notices worth twopence from the critics. [Limps up and down the Stage.
Miss Amelia Slimper (rather a novice, and anxious to make useful acquaintances among the distinguished Amateurs—to Miss Kitty, whispering). Are they very keen about notices?
Miss Kitty (experienced in Amateurs). Keen! I should think they were. They talk about nothing else when it's over.
Boldero (peaceably). Well, Spinks, you know you smashed two tables last week, and I thought we agreed to rehearse without one. But I'll see it's there next time. Now then, Jarp! Where's Jarp? This is his entrance. Where the deuce is he? (Enter Jarp as "Mr. Binns, Butler to Lord Shorthorn"). Dear me, Jarp, what have you been up to?
Jarp (vexed). What have I been up to? I'll tell you. I've been learning my part, and it would be a good thing if everybody were to follow my example, instead of talking all day.
Boldero. Jarp, don't be sarcastic. It doesn't suit you. Let's see if you know your part, after all this.
Jarp (as Binns, without moving a muscle). "'Er Ladyship's compliments, Colonel Debenham, and she would like to see you."
Spinks (as Debenham). "Very well. Tell her I'll come."