"I find that nobody, unless he is a Peer's son—(who may do what he likes, for you will find, Mr. Punch, that it is one of the great beauties of our University system, that it allows no distinction of persons, but puts the sons of the ignoble and the noble on equal terms; but I am digressing!)—I find 'Statutum est,' that 'Nobody shall wear any other clothes than those of a black, or "subfusk" colour' (coloris nigri aut subfusci), 'or imitate (in their dress) what is extravagant or fast:' (that seems to be the meaning of the words 'fastum aut luxum;' but, as I said before, my Latin is rather rusty). Now, since this is the rule, I would ask how it is, Mr. Punch, that young Bellingham Grey (my neighbour's son) should, at the end of every term, bring home from Christ Church (where by the way, he is ruining his father, but that is no affair of mine!) suits of clothes of every colour but black or 'subfusk' (not that I exactly know what colour that may be), and remarkable solely for their extravagance and 'fast-ness?' I want my lad to dress like a gentleman, but I don't always want to see him putting in an appearance like an undertaker, or counter-skipper, or like the man in the play (is it Hamlet? though, probably, Othello?) continually clothed in 'an inky suit of black.' And, if he swears to observe such a Statute as the above, why, of course, the authorities will see that he obeys it, and dresses accordingly.
"It is next ordered, that 'Nobody shall follow that absurd and proud custom of walking in boots in public.' (Insuper, ab absurdo illo et fastuoso publice in ocreis ambulandi more, abstinere compellantur. I give you the very words, Mr. Punch, lest you should not believe me.) Now, where on earth is the harm of my lad wearing Wellingtons? But I suppose that every one in Oxford (I do not know the place) wears the 'Oxford Shoes,' and that this Statute has been inserted to keep up what is, doubtless, the staple trade of the city. For, of course, the Statute is observed, or they would not make the students swear to obey it.
Nobody shall follow that Absurd and Proud Custom of walking in Boots in Public.
"'Statutum est' also, that 'Nobody shall wear the hair long or in curls (in capillitio modus est, nec concinnos, aut comam nimis promissam alant). Now, Sir, my son Peterloo has been favoured by Nature with a particularly curly head of hair. I wish to ask you, Do you think that this misfortune, which it is evident can be from no fault of his own, will shut him out from all the privileges of the University? It is a momentous question for a father to make, and one which may interest the bosom friend of the present Chancellor—I mean Mr.—I beg his pardon, Dr. Disraeli. One thing is plain: that the advertisements of 'Do you want luxurious hair?' can be of no use in Oxford, and that bears'-grease must be at a discount. And if my son Peterloo should fail to observe any of the above Statutes touching his personal appearance, or the giving himself airs, he will, when he is a graduate, have to pay 6s. 8d. for each offence (pœna 6s. et 8d. plectatur, toties quoties), and while he is an undergraduate he will, for such offences, have to suffer corporal punishment (pœna corporali). Good gracious, Mr. Punch, I have read that the great Newton was horsed when he was a Cambridge undergraduate; but I thought that such a degrading custom was either confined to that University, or had passed away with the dark ages, and oil-lamps, and Protection, and all that sort of thing. Does not Oxford—the Mother of Science, and (for what I know) the Aunt of Literature, and the Grandmother of the Arts—does not Oxford, I repeat, keep up with the progressive enlightenment of the age? I almost repent that I have entered Peterloo there (at St. Vitus' College), and I tremble to think of the effect that corporal punishment, will have on him when he is become a man. As an Eton boy it (perhaps) does him good; but as a man! I thought such disgrace only attached to the army. For, of course, the corporal punishment cannot be inflicted only in the Statutes.
Nobody shall wear the hair Long or in Curls.
"I then find that it is 'Statutum est,' that if any one should happen to introduce a new and unwonted style of dress, that the Vice-Chancellor and the Heads of the Colleges and Halls shall thereupon hold deliberation and give their opinion; and that the Vice-Chancellor shall then forbid the cutters-out and the tailors, making these kind of garments (Deinde, Vice-Cancellarius scissoribus sive sartoribus vestiariis hujusmodi vestes conficiendi potestate interdicat); and that the Heads shall prohibit their scholars from wearing them; but that if the young men, with a morbid pertinacity (morbi pertinacia), persist in clothing themselves in the aforesaid garments, the Vice-Chancellor shall, after three monitions, expel them.
"The motherly care shown by Alma Mater that her sons should not fall into scrapes by making Guys of themselves, is here very strongly evidenced; and I think it would be a profitable subject for inquiry, if Mr. Hume would move for a return of the number of times that the Vice-Chancellor and the Heads of Houses have met, in accordance with the above Statute.
"The remainder of Tit. XIV is taken up with the cut of the gowns, &c., but is as unlike a ladylike page of Le Follet (which Mrs. Brown takes in) as anything can be.