It must be a source of calm satisfaction to General GRANT to know that he is considered the "great and glorious GRANT" by Mr. DANIEL DOUGHERTY; although DANIEL once considered Mr. BUCHANAN, poor man! to be equally "great and glorious." So DANIEL also considers SHERMAN to be "immortal," and SHERIDAN "unconquerable," and MEADE "glorious." Adjectives are cheap, you know; and D.D., Esq., has evidently a great stock of them in his Wandering Bosom. Only, great soldiers, who know the precise value of Mr. DOUGHERTY'S military opinions, might not care to have them laid on too thickly.
Mr. PUNCHINELLO has written to Mr. DOUGHERTY'S Family Doctor to inquire into the state of Mr. D's health after this tremendous effort, and he sends us a bulletin that Mr. D. is "as well as could be expected." We do not know what he means by this; it seems to us to lack scientific precision. The point upon which we wished to be informed was, whether Mr. D. did or did not break any thing—not the tumblers on the table, for that we should expect; but any thing in the way of blood-vessels. Not to put too fine a point upon it, How's the Bosom?
AMERICAN CUTLERY IN FRANCE.
The great pride, the dulce decus of Americans, has long been in their pocket hardware, and the skill with which they use it. But we must henceforth look to our laurels. France is competing alarmingly with us in the use of the revolver. They were always a revolutionary people, were the French, and revolving seems, therefore, to suit their temper to a T, (Gunpowder T, of course.) Since the slaying of NOIR by BONAPARTE, the affectation of readiness with the pistol has become quite the thing in Paris. New-York and Paris will soon be exactly alike in the bullet business—especially Paris. PAUL DE CASSAGNAC, it seems, has been invited by some anonymous person to meet him at a certain hour in front of the mairie of the Seventeenth arrondissement, for the purpose of having his brains removed with a revolver. PAUL declined to go, however. The Mairie mentioned in the cartel was not the one for PAUL. Probably he would have gone to VIRGINIA, had he been invited to do so; but never a MAIRIE for the faithful PAUL. And might have come by way of New-York, where he would soon have grown so used to having his brains removed with a revolver that the process would have become a pleasure to him.
PHILADELVINGS.
PUNCHINELLO cannot help liking Philadelphia, and always feels a pang of sympathy whenever any thing happens to that plain old city. One reason for this is, (and he is not ashamed of the weakness,) that Philadelphia likes PUNCHINELLO and takes, weekly, he would not be vain enough to say how many hundred copies of his journal. And now Philamaclink, as her natives love to call her, is afflicted with a terrible disease—a fearful attack of chronic Legislature. Even when the active symptoms of this dread malady have subsided, the effects linger, and the consequent suffering is excruciating. One of the direst of the effects of the last attack is a dreadful bill—not a bile—which has caused a utilization sewage company to appear upon her body corporate. It is almost impossible for sister cities to understand the torments of such an affliction. Nobody can now clear away their own dirt—Councils, Board of Health, or any body else. If rooms are swept, the sewage company must take up the dust; if a pig-pen or a stable needs cleaning, the company must do it; if the lady of a house throws the slops out of her breakfast cups, the company must carry them away; if a man knocks the ashes from his cigar, he must save them for the company; if, anywhere in the city, a foul word is spoken, the company must have the benefit of it. Even the birds in the squares must not cleanse their nests without a printed permit from the company. If a bedstead is cleaned, the company must have the bugs. Only one dirty thing is safe from this all-powerful corporation, and that is the legisiative delegation from the city. If the refuse matter were taken from that, there would be nothing left. It has been proposed that the Legislature itself should be purified; but this idea is Utopian, PUNCHINELLO fears. If Niagara were squirted through its halls, the water would be dirtied, but the halls would not be cleansed. Alas, poor city! Trampled under the heels of the aristocratic HONG and PENNY BUNN, what is there to hope for it?
But all has not been told. There are about eight hundred thousand inhabitants in the place. Some twenty thousand of these owe small sums for unpaid taxes, averaging about nine and a quarter cents to a man. To collect these sums, an army of seventy-two thousand able-bodied men, at salaries of one thousand dollars per annum, has been commissioned by the PENNY BUNN Legislature.
Alas, poor city! But all has not been told. A private firm has prevailed upon the imbecile old farmers from the western and interior counties to give them the right to build a private freight railroad through many of the principal streets of the Quaker City. This road will run through several school-house yards, and the time-tables are to be so arranged that trains shall always be due at those points at recess time. Every fiftieth private house along the lines is to have a road-station and freight-depot in its front-parlor, and all male residents on said routes are to serve in turn, without pay, as brakesmen and switch-tenders. The owners of all vehicles injured by the trains are to be heavily fined, and the families of individuals allowing themselves to be killed are to be mulcted in heavy damages.