OUR AGRICULTURAL COLUMN.
MEMORABILIA OF "WHAT I KNOW ABOUT FARMING."
To avoid the charge of plagiarism I have concluded to adopt the above, as the title of the following statistics.
Many persons have trifled with the subject of agriculture; notably among these may be mentioned the "self-made" man and the innocent who has been abroad. I propose to attack the subject seriously, and to lay before the readers of PUNCHINELLO information which will make their hair (if it be of a carroty hue,) stand on end, and will certainly appease their curiosity.
There are several ways in which agriculture may be attacked. 1st, Scientifically, (but then you are likely to get to Lie-big.) 2nd, Theologically, (and a vast deal of theology may be picked up on a well-located farm, for do we not find "sermons in stones"?) 3d, Humorously, (which is the way in which the aforesaid "self-made" man advances to it,) and 4th, Practically, (in which way, I think, that innocent gets at it.) Now, when, during the war, I was building forts at the Dry Tortugas, my overseer informed me that a fort was most easily taken when attacked on all sides, so I have concluded to pitch into agriculture from every quarter. Therefore my remarks may be considered as made in a Scientific-theological-humorous-practical sense.
Postponing a description of soils to a future time, I proceed to elucidate, first,
CORN.
Of this vegetable there are five varieties, viz.: hard corn, soft corn, chicken corn, pop corn, and Indian corn. It is a very useful production, as it affords occupation to a large number of itinerant persons, who have peculiar ways of sub-soiling it, some by a knife, some by washes, and some by plasters. This vegetable is generally planted early, (shoemakers having a monopoly of the cultivation,) and, curiously enough, the larger the crop the less the owner likes it. Rainy weather is good for this vegetable, as a damp day swells it very rapidly. It requires a deep soil, for you cannot have any corn without at least one foot, though two feet will probably produce a much larger crop.
The best treatment for hard corn is to subsoil it with a hatchet, though a little judicious paring is good; soft corn sometimes does the pairing itself, though not judiciously. Soft corn is sometimes called sweet corn, on the principle, "sweet are the uses of adversity." The variety of this vegetable cultivated by roosters is called chicken corn, though no farmer can give a reason therefor, as no chicken ever had anything to do with a shoe, unless, perhaps, "shoo-fly." Corn cultivated by an old maid is irreverently called pop-corn. Why Indian corn should differ from white corn, I have never yet been able to discover. It flourishes under the same circumstances, and requires the same kind of care, and, except in color, cannot be distinguished from the white. Probably RED CLOUD could have told us the difference, if he had been properly interviewed.
Scientifically, corn is tumorus in footibus; theologically, it is a "condemned" nuisance; humorously, you can't plant your foot without planting corn; practically, everybody treads on it.