| To cure seasickness: Turn the entire system inside out and hang it over the rail of the ship where the salt spray can drench it. Under this treatment the patient is pretty sure to feel somewhat relieved within a few days after the time of going ashore. Persons troubled with poor circulation should ascertain how to increase the same by consulting the editor of their favorite Sunday newspaper. Weak respiration may be improved by a diet of onions. They are highly recommended for strengthening the breath. For insomnia try snoring, which is always a symptom of SOUND sleep. To prevent hay fever: Go not in the way of the kittenish grass widow. Care should be taken to prevent the occupants of the penitentiary from getting the measles. It would make trouble should they all break out at once. | Financial Note: For "dust" in the house, ask hubby. Art Note: An artists' model is not necessarily a model of good behavior. |
| SUNDAY | |
| MONDAY | (862 B.C.) Jonah took the first trip in a submarine. |
| TUESDAY | (753 B.C.) Romulus and Remus open a milk route. |
| WEDNESDAY | |
| THURSDAY | |
| FRIDAY | (1709) Pianoforte invented by Bartolommeo Cristofori. His assassination soon follows. |
| SATURDAY | |
| SEPTEMBER | |
| It is better to laugh at a joke you don't understand than to weep over the efforts of your friend to explain it. |
LITTLE STUDIES IN NATURAL HISTORY
| How to Trim Rich Relations. This is a very dangerous and delicate operation as the subjects can only be approached when they are asleep. Provide yourself with a black-jack, a bottle of chloroform and a sponge. About three in the morning enter the room where the Richest Relation is sleeping. Going noiselessly to the bed, hold the sponge saturated with chloroform above the Richest Relation's nose. As his sleep becomes more profound, lower the sponge, and finally, with a quick motion, jam it in his mouth. Then strike his head with the black-jack, using all your strength. Rich Relations are suspicious and you cannot be too careful in business matters. This done, cut out the gold, silver, or bills, from his pockets, and any jewels or trinkets that you may find. Note: In most cases it will not be necessary to kill the subject before you can do the trimming. | Health Hint: While sleeping it is best to lie on the right side; also while awake. |
| SUNDAY | (1629) First theater in America established in Boston. Patti opened theater with first farewell performance. |
| MONDAY | |
| TUESDAY | "The bathing dresses are very pretty, but I'm
sure I can't imagine where they buy such long
stockings." —Aunt Mary's letter from the seashore. |
| WEDNESDAY | |
| THURSDAY | |
| FRIDAY | (1593) Anthony Comstock would have indicted Shakespeare for writing Venus and Adonis. |
| SATURDAY | |
| SEPTEMBER | |
| Those who live in glass houses should conduct themselves accordingly. |