FIG 4. THE AVERAGE MONTHLY MAGAZINE.
Do any of you ever go to smoking concerts? Yes? Very well, you will appreciate the next scientific diagram for its mathematical exactness. I have a friend called Smith—he spells it Smythe, but that's nothing—and the diagram refers to certain events which (as the descriptive reporter would say) sometimes transpire.
Fig. 5 A shows the number of keyholes observed in the door by Smith (or Smythe) as he is about to operate with his latch-key on returning home from business at 5 p.m. Fig. 5 B shows the number he sometimes sees when he returns from his club about 11.30 p.m. As a rule he attempts, on this occasion, with great perseverance to put the right key in the wrong hole, or vice versá. Fig. 5 C shows the number he doesn't see when he returns home even later than 11.30 p.m.
THE TRAGEDY OF A KEYHOLE.
Fig. 5 represents the number of keyholes seen by Smythe in the same door at different times of the day and night.
Let us change the subject, my friends, as it must be very painful to you to read such things about my poor friend Smith (or Smythe). I can easily change it—it is all the same to me. I will now give you an "easy one"—so easy that it can be comprehended by a person of the meanest intelligence. Fig. 6 merely shows in a simple and unobtrusive manner how many beans make five. There is no answer to this.
We may now attempt something more difficult and elaborate. In point of fact, let us proceed to "trace a curve," as we say in the differential and integral trigonometry. The curve explains itself, and to those who are not acquainted with the Higher Mathematics the diagram may seem a bit mixed; but the same may be said of most things in this wicked world.
It is evident that diagrams such as Fig. 7 might be manufactured ad infinitum, also ad nauseam.
At this stage of the proceedings I may say that I challenge and defy the whole world to controvert, deny, or disprove any one of my statistics.