The laugh was against Jack, and he bore the punishment with good temper, collecting himself, however, for a renewal of hostilities. After tea, as was the custom on such occasions, the ladies and such of the young men as preferred female society withdrew to another apartment, while the majority of the elderly gentlemen, including the clergymen, the doctor, and Snap Rivers, collected round the host to enjoy the comforts of the bottle; and as the steam began to rise, the hilarity of the party got up in proportion. After various gay sallies, Rivers said,
“Well, Master Galen, how goes trade now? You-oo and the se-hexton are se-heldom idle, I believe.”
“Always doing a little,” said the good-natured doctor, “but nothing worth notice. Any snaps with yourself of late, my conscientious friend?”
“Good, doctor, good; seldom at a loss for a sly hit. A-a-and to tell you the truth, I have mere trifles to boast of since I diddled the fellows in the pa-harish of Billy.”
“I am not aware of the circumstance; pray what was it?” said the doctor.
“Lil-lil-let our brilliant host tell you; he was a witness to the transaction,” said Rivers; “besides, unfortunately, my tongue was not made by the same craftsman that manufactured my brains.”
“How happy for your neighbours!” said the priest; “could your tongue give ready expression to the subtle plottings of your skull, we would be deluged with a torrent of knavery. But, Mr Anderson, do favour us with the story.”
“By my conscience, then, it will do but little credit to Jack, in any honest man’s mind; but if you will hae it, then you must hae it. About three months ago there was a property to be sold by public cant in B——ls, and, to be sure, the devil drives it to Jack’s ears. Weel! the lease was a perpetuity, very valuable, and fifty pun’ o’ a deposit was to be paid doon on the nail. Very weel, he comes owre and engages me to gang alang wi’ him to buy the place. But on the morning of the sale when I called on him, what was my surprise to see him dressed up in a rabbitman’s coat, tied roun’ wi’ a strae rope, a hat owre the red nightcap, no worth thrippence, wi’ breeks, shoes, and stockings that would disgrace a beggarman. Weel, in spite o’ a’ I could say, aff he starts in that fashion, and you’ll grant a bonny figure he cut among respectable men; but diel hait he cared; for while the folk was gathering, he sets himsel up on a kind o’ a counter, and begins beating wi’ his heels, and glancing roun’ him like a monkey, and jabbering the purest nonsense. I actually thought I would hae drapped through the earth wi’ perfect shame, though I was a little relieved when I saw he was set down for an idiot, and heard the gentlemen freely crack their jokes on him. Weel, the auction commenced, and when twa or three bids were gi’en, he looks up at the cant-master so innocently, and says, in his ain style, ‘Ho, ho, may I gie a bid?’ ‘To be sure, my fine fellow,’ says the man, laughing doon at him; ‘bid up, and nae doot ye’ll get the property.’ The bidding was up to £150. ‘£200,’ cries Jack, the roars o’ the company. ‘£250,’ says another. ‘£300,’ says Jack, and he skellied up at the cant-master in such a fashion as nae living man could stand. You could hae tied the hail gathering wi’ a strae, while Jack kept glowering about and whistling, and beating time to the tune wi’ his heels.”
“And what tune did he whistle?” said the doctor.
“The diel a mair or less nor ‘the Rogue’s March,’” said the narrator. “But when the roars had subsided, the cant-master, to humour the joke, takes up Jack’s bid, and he says, ‘Three hundred pounds once—three hundred pounds twice—three hundred pounds, three—three—three—all done?—three times!’ and down, in fine, he knocks a property worth three thousand, adding, ‘The place is yours, my man.’ ‘Yes, by my sowl,’ says Jack, springing off the counter, ‘the place is mine;’ and pulling a bag out of a side pocket, and placing it on the table, he added, ‘And there’s your required deposit for you!’ But he may tell the rest himsel.”