The Formative Period.—The period prior to marriage is the formative period, the character building years. Matrimony is to be the test of how we have built our castle. The success of the matrimonial venture—for every marriage is an experiment—depends absolutely upon the result of the first year. We would, therefore, seriously, and earnestly, request the young wife to think deeply upon this problem and not to ignore the fact that the success of the venture is absolutely dependent upon her efforts to a very large degree. Some may assert that the husband is the essential equation, so far as happiness and success is concerned in the matrimonial venture. We do not think so. A home is what the woman makes it. A man may not be an ideal husband, or even a good father, though his home, to his children, may be heaven itself if the wife is a born mother and a good woman. On the other hand a man may be patient, hard working, self-sacrificing, good father, but he cannot make a happy home, for his children, if his wife is not the right kind of a woman.
A true marriage implies love and confidence, and in the vast majority of marriages these qualities can be regarded as tangible, and may be used as any other business equity is used, for a certain time. The length of time depends upon the use to which this asset is put during the early months of marriage. It is the utilization of this time, how best to employ it, that concerns us here.
A word as to a wife's true position in the household may be opportune. There is no question but that her status has changed in the last generation. Whether this change is for the better is a matter of opinion. It is too large and too intricate a problem to be fully discussed in a book of this character. Any opinion on such a subject must of necessity, in our judgment, be a warped one. There are few, very few, absolutely happy and congenial homes. It has been estimated that only five per cent. of all marriages are successful. If five per cent. make a success of marriage why could not the other ninety-five? The reasons are not fundamental or serious—they are trivial as a rule. It is making the right beginning that counts. If this is the secret, and every married person of experience will testify to this truth, the young wife should give the matter her serious consideration. In the life history of every couple there is a period of adaptation, which is sooner or later passed through at the expense of one or the other, or both, resigning themselves to an acceptance of the stronger, or positive, elements in the other's disposition.
Differences of Opinion.—If a woman discovers, for example, that her husband has very decided views upon certain matters, and these views do not in any way conflict with the law, moral or otherwise, and the adoption of them does not necessitate the denial of a principle, it would be far better for her to acquiesce in these views, rather than to obstinately adhere to her opinions,—especially if she cannot, in a friendly way, offer an argument strong enough to convince him he is wrong. One or the other of every married pair will have to be willing to give in, in all trivial matters that come up from day to day, if a harmonious degree of existence is to be reached.
It is certainly natural to assume that ordinarily the wife will be the one to concede most. She is supposed to be endowed with all the gentler attributes. Therefore our advice,—irrespective of all the arguments which may be made, and which we need not even hint at, here, but which are at the tongue's end of every so-called advanced woman,—is for the young wife to gratefully concede a great deal to her husband.
If a man's daily life is clean, and if his ambition is to work in order to provide a comfortable home for his wife and children, he is deserving of the love and confidence of any true woman. And inasmuch as you have chosen this man for your husband, for your guide and for the father of your unborn children, it behooves you to find out how you may quickly accommodate yourself to be his helpmate, his friend, his confidant and companion, throughout all the years of your life. Let us assure you without fear of contradiction, that you will endear yourself to him by your willingness to be advised and guided by him. Such an attitude will engender a tangible confidence that may be drawn upon to weather temperamental contests that might otherwise prove to be serious obstacles in building up a mutual respect and trust and which is essential to peace and happiness. He will look for your word of cheer, and he will willingly tell you more and more of his inmost thoughts and ambitions, and unconsciously he will rely upon your judgment, your womanly intuition, your help, in every move he makes. The time when you will have to "give in" will have passed away. You will have made yourself part of his life, his mentality, you will have reached the goal of domestic happiness, and that is as near paradise as most of us reach in this world. It all depends upon "how you go about it" in the first few months of married life.
Consider the other picture. If a wife cultivates, or has the inherited inclination to argue trifles, to bicker over mere matters of opinion, even if she wins occasionally, what does she gain? Nothing! The husband resents the tendency to argument. His pride is wounded at the thought that his wife needs to be convinced of every opinion he advances. Such an attitude completely breaks down the tangible confidence that is essential to peace and happiness. Soon he begins to keep his opinion to himself; the serpent enters the home; the wife finds he is interested in things of which he does not inform her. Jealousy, lack of confidence, doubt,—the skeletons of all domestic peace and happiness soon accomplish their terrible and tragic work, and the end is not difficult to imagine.
Most of the things regarding which husbands and wives quarrel are of no special moment. They are not momentous subjects,—it is usually a trifle that mars the domestic peace. It takes but a few years for most women to appreciate that many of the things that cause heartaches are not of any consequence at all. They originate, as a rule, in one or the other failing to appreciate that the other has certain individual rights which demand some degree of respectful consideration. The ego element in human nature is responsible for a very considerable portion of the domestic infelicity that mars the home life of a large proportion of the people.
Trivial Differences.—Many homes have been broken or rendered permanently wretched by trivial differences. The husband may like to play games, the wife may want to read. One may like to go out to parties and theaters, the other may want to stay at home. Before marriage these differences appear to merest trifles and are the subjects of good-humored bantering; after marriage they cause constant dissension, constant friction. A trifle is the usual beginning, a divorce may be the end. A little lack of tact, an unwillingness to sacrifice self in a small measure "at the right moment" and friction would have ended.
It is a reflection upon our intelligence, and it is rather significant that it should be the little, trifling things that cause most of the troubles and heartaches in the world. We rarely quarrel over the important episodes Of life; the real things, the things that constitute the measure of our manhood and womanhood. Ask any of your friends, be they Jew or Gentile, Catholic or Protestant, Baptist or Episcopalian, Democrat or Republican, whether, in their best judgment, it is better to be honest or dishonest, clean or dirty, false or true, intelligent or ignorant, an idler or a worker; whether it is better to be gentle and kind or brutal and cruel, a gossip and scandal monger or to mind our own business and to speak kindly of our fellow-man, whether, in short, it is better to be good or bad? And yet these are the real, the fundamental qualities that brand a man, or a woman, or a race of people, as worthy and true and Christ-like.