A Satisfactory Explanation
A trial took place before a bailie, who excelled more as a citizen than as a scholar. A witness had occasion to refer to the testimony of a man who had died recently, and he spoke of him frequently as the defunct.
Amazed at the constant repetition of a word he did not understand, the bailie petulantly said: "What's the use o' yer talkin' sae muckle aboot the man Defunct? Canna ye bring him here and let him speak for himsel'?"
"The defunct's dead, my lord," replied the witness.
"Oh, puir man, that alters the case," said the sapient administrator of the law.
Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff
Sandy Gibb, master-blacksmith in a certain town in Scotland, was summoned as a witness to the Sheriff-Court in a case of two of his workmen. The sheriff, after hearing the testimony, asked Sandy why he did not advise them to settle, seeing the costs had already amounted to three times the disputed claim. Sandy's reply was, "I advised the fules to settle, for I saw that the shirra-officer wad tak' their coates, the lawwers their sarks, an' gif they got to your lordship's haunds ye'd tear the skin aff them." Sandy was ordered to stand down.
A Grammatical Beggar
A beggar some time ago applied for alms at the door of a partisan of the Anti-begging Society. After in vain detailing his manifold sorrows, the inexorable gentleman peremptorily dismissed him: "Go away," said he, "go, we canna gie ye naething."
"You might at least," replied the mendicant, with an air of arch dignity, "have refused me grammatically."