"Indeed, Mr. Dewar,
It's out of my power,
For my wife's away with the key."
Drinking by Candle Light
The taverns to which Edinburgh lawyers of a hundred years ago resorted were generally very obscure and mean—at least they would appear such now; and many of them were situated in the profound recesses of the old town, where there was no light from the sun, the inmates having to use candles continually.
A small party of legal gentlemen happened one day to drop into one of these dens; and as they sat a good while drinking, they at last forgot the time of day. Taking their impressions from the candles, they just supposed that they were enjoying an ordinary evening debauch.
"Sirs," said one of them at last, "it's time to rise; ye ken I'm a married man, and should be early at home." And so they all rose, and prepared to staggerger tavern, they suddenly found themselves projected into the blaze of a summer afternoon, and at the same time, under the gaze of a thousand curious eyes, which were directed to their tipsy and negligent figures.
Disqualified to be a Country Preacher
The gentleman who has been rendered famous by the pen of Burns, under the epithet of Rumble John, was one Sunday invited to preach in a parish church in the Carse of Stirling, where, as there had been a long course of dry weather, the farmers were beginning to wish for a gentle shower; for the sake of their crops then on the eve of being ripe. Aware of this Mr. Russell introduced a petition, according to custom, into his last prayer, for a change of weather. He prayed, it is said, that the windows of heaven might be opened, and a flood fall to fatten the ground and fulfill the hopes of the husbandmen. This was asking too much; for, in reality, nothing was wanting but a series of very gentle showers. As if to show how bad a farmer he was, a thunder storm immediately came on, of so severe a character, that before the congregation was dismissed, there was not an upright bean-stalk in the whole of the Carse. The farmers, on seeing their crops so much injured, and that apparently by the ignorance of the clergyman, shook their heads to one another as they afterwards clustered about the churchyard; and one old man was heard to remark to his wife, as he trudged indignantly out, "That lad may be very gude for the town, as they say he is, but I'm clear that he disna understan' the kintra."
Grim Humor
An English traveler was taking a walk through a Scotch fishing village, and being surprised at the temerity of the children playing about the pier, he said to a woman who stood by: "Do not the children frequently drop in?"