Bill the Minder

by W. Heath Robinson

'Well, here goes then.' And he commenced his tale in the following way:—

'I am that King of Troy who ruled over his subjects with such wisdom and justice that the greatest happiness prevailed amongst them!'

'We've heard that before,' murmured Chad, but ignoring the interruption, the King of Troy continued his story:—

'Safely protected from baseness of every description, from robbery, from the ill effects of envy, and from unworthy tricksters of every colour, by the stern, yet just rule under which they happily lived, the Trojans throve and pursued their various trades with unvarying success. All amassed a considerable fortune, and as their wealth increased, so did their pride in the beloved city of their birth. All contributed most willingly to the upkeep of their sovereign, and the ever-increasing state which I was expected to

hold was paid for down to the last farthing by the noble fellows.

'The well-meaning creatures at length gave no rest to their poor old king, and as their prosperity grew, they raised him to a more and more exalted, and at the same time increasingly uncomfortable, position above them. Heavier and heavier grew the robes of state to suit the swelling dignity of the city: more and more overloaded with gold, with jewels, with filigree silver and enamelled bronze became the crown, until so ponderous had grown the regalia that I could hardly support it. But no pity had the gallant lads. Mistaking the signs of my gradually drooping spirits for the signs of undue modesty, they slapped me on the back again and again, and with joyful shouts endeavoured to instil into my dejected soul some of their own abundant ardour.

'With my own personal dignity, the number of ceremonials and functions I was expected to endure also increased. Town hall after town hall was built, and bazaars without end were held especially to be opened by myself. But in time even this doubtful relaxation ceased, and so high did my subjects raise me that few of them dared to approach me, and then only on bended knees. As for speaking familiarly with me, none had the temerity to attempt it. Perpetual state I was now compelled to keep, and never for an instant permitted to leave my throne or doff my royal robes, except for one short hour in the

morning to perform ablutions in the regal tub, and even then I was not allowed to remove my crown. Seated on my throne from morning until night, overburdened by the weight of my crown and the heavily brocaded and bejewelled robes, I felt as lonely as a stranded limpet in the middle of the Sahara desert.

'At last things came to such a pass, that, except perhaps to bring me food or drink, not one of my subjects would dare to draw nearer than to the outer door of my ante-room, and even there they would fall upon their faces and grovel in the dust and quake, so that the very clicking of their bones could be distinctly heard from my place upon the throne, as they trembled in every joint.