Bill the Minder

by W. Heath Robinson

'Ah, how I missed the old days,—the cheerful cup of tea, the pipe of baccy and the homely game of dominoes with that primest of all Prime Ministers. How gladly would I have snatched from the royal board the dainties now prepared for me,—the asparagus truffles, the prawn cutlets, the anchovy jelly, and suchlike, and hurled from me the trivial and shimmering mass, tweaking my old rascal of a waiter by the nose, and calling for a hunk of bread and some cheese. Even my sparkling and frolicsome old chum, the Prime Minister, had seemingly quite forgotten our loyal chumship and never appeared before me now except upon his hands and knees and with his head bent low to the ground. And what of my old friend the Secretary of State? Where were his

gibes, his playful fancies, his quirks and rare conceits, the droll! Alas, only rarely now could I glimpse the rogue, and with real sorrow did I see his erstwhile bonny and jovial old face distorted by expressions of the most abject servility. And that respectful mute, the Minister of Education, does he dream that I forget his winsome pranks and jokes? Does he imagine for a moment that those glorious evenings, when the four of us used to meet and gladden the very stars by the sounds of our joviality, were nothing to me? Alas, in my solitude what would have befallen me but for those sweet memories!

'One evening the Prime Minister appeared on his hands and knees at the door of the throne-room, bearing on a little plate upon his back the slight supper that was served to me in this strange manner every evening. With drooping head, and visibly

quaking with awe, he gradually crawled near, and when at the foot of the throne placed the supper (a mere anchovy truffle on toast) before me and fell flat on his face, writhing at my feet.

'Who can describe my feelings as I bent over him and witnessed this degradation, this prostration before me, of one who had revelled with me, who had slapped me on the back in pure amity, and who, in days of yore, had gambolled, frisked, and carolled the most enchanting glees with me. A great hot tear fell from my left eye as I gazed, and the startled wretch leapt to his feet as it splashed upon his bald crown and trickled down its glossy sides, leaving a red and glowing spot where it had fallen. No words of mine could describe the misery expressed on the face of the unhappy man as he took one hasty glance at me, full of the deepest meaning, and rushed from the room weeping bitterly. Alas! he, too, remembered.

'No heart had I now for the anchovy truffle, nor indeed for the toast, both of which I tossed lightly from me. I gave up my mind to most melancholy reflections. Night drew on, and one by one I could hear the ministers and domestics creeping up stealthily to bed, and at nine o'clock all the electric lights in the palace were switched off, and I was left in total darkness and in solitude. Still I brooded on my throne, unable to sleep for the weight of my robes and for the sad thoughts that passed through my mind, and mechanically counted the hours as they stole slowly by.

'At length the clock in the hall downstairs struck eleven, and as the last beat echoed through the empty rooms, a light appeared underneath the door opposite the throne. Little heed did I give to this at first, imagining that one of the ministers, on retiring, had omitted to remove his boots and leave them in the hall, and was now returning to place them there. The light, however, remained, and to my increasing wonderment some one tried the handle of the door, which was then opened very cautiously and in there crept, on hands and knees, my old friend the Prime Minister. As soon as he was well within the room and had quietly closed the door, he leapt to his feet and executed the most astonishing capers that were ever danced. With the liveliest satisfaction expressed all over his mobile features, he pirouetted round the room with the greatest animation, and daringly accomplished the giddiest somersaults that were ever turned. At last, nearly exhausted with this vigorous performance, he ran up to the throne, grasped me by the hand, which he wrung most heartily, and for all the world was his good old self again.

'He now bade me follow him, and in utter silence we both crept out of the throne-room, through the ante-room, down the stairs, across the hall, and out by the front door into the garden.