Mr. Editor, some weeks in passed-by Hon. Taft & Hon. Bryan wrote a delicious page of large tipe for your paper on subjeck, “My Conception of the Presidency.” Of surely them two Presidents know what-is they are talking about. Speeches of Hon. Taft is found in rolls of Fame, and speeches of Hon. Bryan is found in rolls of Edison Phonograf. And yet there was something deceptive & sidewise about them articles they wrote for your paper because they sounded so. Hon. Taft say:
A President should be like Hon. Roosevelt, only less so. He should be like a piano of upright build with some grand square qualities. He should be the First Magistrate and also the Principal Policeman in the kingdom. He should be good as he are lonesome. He should treat all Trusts in a beastly manner and uphold Truth & Justice so long as it do not hurt National Prosperity. I shall do all these things, thank you, orders promptly attended to, telephone service day & night. Also I shall look just as much like Hon. Abe Lincoln as health & strength will permit me to do it.
Hon. Bryan say:
A President should be like Hon. Theodore Roosevelt only more so. Malefactors, etc., needs not cringe off from me for fearful that I will burn up America when I am elected. Because I can’t. A President are only a bluff. He don’t amount to a rolling-pin. Hon. American Govt. are a system of checks & balances, so a President are deliciously powerless when he wish to reform it. I promise to be helpless as possible. Could I reform Hon. Currancy from jaggy path of debochery by feeding him Gold Cure or something? Ah no! What could I do with them naughty Currency when Senator Alrich are tempting him away with rakish eye-wink? To increase weakness of my position I am willing to consult Hon. Vice-President on all matters of no importance and talk kindly to him on National subjecks where common-sense are not expected. I believe in deep breathing & outdoor exercise, but I are cross about that woolley tariff of sheep and should be insulted if offered a second term. Otherways I are willing to act like a Majority on all occasions and what I think about Brownsvill Affair are a matter of private conscience which I refuse to discuss by advice of Hon. Campaign Manager.
Mr. Editor, I entertain some scolds for you. How sinful to ask them there Hon. Candidates to write such opinions! When a man expect to be a President do you expect him to tell the candied truth about what he think of the job? When a man are nominate for Dog Catcher he are often sly and deceptive before election—how then you expect a Nominee for Pres. of the U. S. to make crystal speeches which might be saw through at once and spoil everything? Nobody what are wistful about a job will tell exact truth about what he think. If I ask for job of Hon. Window Wash at Mills Bldg & Janitor Boss say: “Hashimura, told me transparently what you think of this job”—what I answer for reply? I-say: “It are a very delicate job of extreme fineness. It are a high-horse privilege for Japanese Boy to be able wash windows for Hon. Mills. Though it require great skill & couredge to shine such lofty glass pains, yet I flatten myself that I got such a power more briskly than other Japanese Boys which is apt to be laxy in sense of duty where it should be tightest. Hon. Janitor, I feel myself unworthy of such a jobs, yet I know I ain’t. Therefore give it to me because of merit.”
I say all them things, Mr. Editor, because I am a candidate for them high post of Window Wash. Therefore I am prejudicial about it. But if Hon. Janitor ask Cousin Nogi, who do not desire such a jobs because of his lazy spine, what-say Cousin Nogi? He-say: “A Window Wash require some muscles, but very little intelligence. Hashimura Togo are not safe to stand on such a altitudes because he thinks poems; therefore if he gets it he will swim off of 10th story window & burst his fooly neck.”
Hon. Taft & Hon. Bryan are too sympathetick with such jobs to talk straight. Why not ask some gentlemans what never expects to be White Housers to give view on Presidency? Hon. Hearst on “My Conception of the Presidency” would be very bright & could get Hon. Brisbane to write it for him. Hon. Alt. Parker, Hon. Patty McCarren, or Hon. John Wanamaker would talk deliciously true & sinical. But do not ask Hon. Forker, please, because he would write it “My Conception of the President” & decuss other nigger problems which are no longer a delicacy.
I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, where I go for get my cheek whittled, say-me: “Who could express such a conception about being a Pres., and not lie about it?”
“I could,” is answer for me. “I am best befatted for such a talk because I are entirely unsympathetick & not entitle to a white vote like Hon. Booker Washington and other darks.”
“Why you no write such a conception for newspaper?” is snuggestion from him.