XXVIII
THE HON. MARS
San Francisco, September 30th.
To Editor New York Newspaper who make me to think of astronomical subjecks.
Dearest Sir—Considerable scientists has been making observations of Hon. Planet Mars by very recent time; so I have also been doing so by use of opera-glasses which I borrow secretively from Sydney Katsu, Jr., Japanese dentistry. For time of several nights I have regarded this Star with fixed eye for long moments together, but I have not enjoyed to discover them famous Canals because I not could see them, thank you. And yet perhaps this was no fault blame of Hon. Mars, but of them disgusting Katsu glasses what are dimmed all over and enjoy breakage of right eyelid. This must make very wrong astronomy.
However is, I am excited to wrote Popular Science about Hon. Mars because any intelligent person can do so after turning eye-glasses to heaven.
Is Hon. Mars inhabited by people? is question for Japanese Boy. Even if-so it is, why should Americans become excited about it? We know by thoughtful knowledge that nearly all places is inhabited by something. Are we not-so familiar with fact that Ireland is inhabited? No excitement about that! Does we not know exactly that New Jersey is inhabited? No excitement about that, except on Presidential year! Then why should Hon. Mars receive all this free advertisement? I ask to know.
American scientist say, “In near adjoining future we shall make talk with them Mars persons.” So foolish to try! We are acquaintanceship with too many people already. Then why should we travel by telescopes trying to make back-talk with stars? Maybe Americans will be peevishly careful about associating with Mars persons when they see them. Maybe American labour unions will send letter of protest to Emperor of Mars about allowing them disgusting immigrants all over California. Maybe coolie gentlemans from Mars will try get job of work in Vancouver cannery and enjoy kick-out by race-riot. Oh! such delicious laugh for all Japanese Boys!!
No, Mr. Editor, it is a very nervus task for these U. S. to encourage foreign relations with stars, planets, islands and other heathens what they do not know nothing about. America one time did open up Japan in them careless manner and very soonly she have one Yellow Peril on fingers. By same operation she open up Philippine Islands and immediately Hon. Taft become embarrassed by enormous family of brown complexions. If Hon. Roosevelt is appointed Emperor of America once more-time would it be convenient to send Hon. Taft on trip to Mars to make once more Manila speech about “Our Little Green Brother?” I ask no reply.
No human person have yet been to Mars with exception of Hon. H. G. Wells, who stops at nothing. So he write freely for the Magazines. He go to Mars, he say, with letter of introduction to Mayors, Politicians, etc., and have intimate & confidential chatter with them inhabitants. These Mars persons, say Hon. Wells, lives in elaborate cities what closely resembles Coney Island. They are very swift about place-to-place movements which is done by shooting the chutes. By government they are Socialistic with a Pianola attachment. Children of these Mars persons is born in incubators and educated by Absent Treatment. The inhabitants of Mars is delightfully different from the inhabitants of Maine. The inhabitants of Maine talks through their noses while the inhabitants of Mars talks through their ears.