Bi-sexual love; the homosexual neurosis

by Wilhelm Stekel

She relates numberless occurrences of this character which always end in uncontrollable nausea and vomiting. She has a long list of admirers, young and old, rich and poor, educated and some less so, every one thinking he can conquer her as she is very free and open in her talk and does not avoid sexual topics in her conversations with them. She is a member of various women’s organizations, like Mutterschutz, which is devoted to the protection of the unmarried mother, she is a champion for women’s sexual freedom and also a Shannaist. But every one of the men she dangles on her string who tries to pass from theory to cold fact discovers, much to his astonishment, that there is quite a difference between this woman’s views and her practical conduct. She circumvents all occasions which might prove embarrassing to her. An office colleague invites her to his home. He is an art collector, she is interested in painting, and he would like to show her his collection. She finds all sorts of excuses to postpone accepting his invitation and finally appears at his house ... accompanied by a girl friend.... She had dwelt so much on all the possible consequences of a visit of this kind that at the last moment she lost her courage.

It is interesting that her mental state developed first after an engagement. Until the age of 23 she was fairly normal, very much like any other girl. At that age she made the acquaintance of a man of good standing in whom she became much interested. She became engaged to him and this made her happy for she was in love as much as any girl could be who thought she had found her ideal.

The man had but one serious fault. He was tremendously jealous. He tortured her with questions about her whole past life and she had to relate to him with particularity everything that she had experienced as a girl. She frankly told him that once she was in love with her piano teacher and also with her school teacher, a girl, but that there was nothing else of any significance in her life. Nevertheless he kept torturing her with further questionings insisting that she must tell everything before marriage and he will forgive her absolutely everything, but he did not want to be deceived, he wanted perfect candor and truth between them.

One night she woke from a dream in which her brother and she had figured in a rather intimate role. This brought to her mind an occurrence she had entirely forgotten. She was visiting her married brother in the country. His wife had gone to some relatives and he suggested that she should sleep in his wife’s bed. She did so without having any particular erotic notions, since this was her brother with whom she had always been frank, not as she was with her other brothers, for she had four others. During the night she felt her brother’s hand touching her. He crawled in to her bed and kissed her. She was sleepy and thought she was dreaming. He kissed her again and sleepy as she was, she responded. They embraced warmly. She knows that she took hold of his membrum. She thinks her brother must have exercised wonderful control over himself after that and that he crawled back in his own bed. The whole experience of that night is rather unclear. That much she is certain, no coitus took place.

This remembrance awed her for she knew then that she had lied to her man. It happened only once for next day she left the place and her own brother advised her to do it. She went to visit a friend of hers in the neighborhood and returned only after her sister-in-law was back home. But since her young man had such complete faith in her, she felt that she must tell him the whole truth. She told him of the occurrence relating how it took place as in a dream. He began to investigate and to question until it drove her to distraction and there were times when she herself wavered in her recollection as to what really occurred. But she could only repeat the one thing: she knew positively that they kissed and touched each other that night, but could not say that between her brother and herself matters had gone beyond that.

Her bridegroom stayed away a few days. Then she received from him a note stating that he does not feel that he can take her to the altar after her confession and he considers himself therefore a free man. He sent her back the engagement ring and demanded the return of all his gifts and letters.

This was like a physical blow to her. That was the thanks she received for her complete candor! She had taken at his word the man whom she dearly loved. How could she help thinking that he merely sought an excuse in her eyes, and in his own, a pretext to declare himself free?

For a time after that she hated all men. She made no exception, including in her hatred even that brother who was responsible for her misfortune, in the first place.

Then she arrived at a second deduction: “it is not worth while to be honorable! Better be easy going, like all your women friends!”

Shortly after that she apparently ceased hating all men and her great yearning began causing her to think continually of nothing but men. At the same time there began also her uncontrollable vomiting.