His typical dreams are concerned with pursuit by men and breaking in. A particular dream made a strong impression on him: He was pursued in bed by a great mass of bedbugs and finally himself turned into a bedbug.[[35]] Like all homosexuals he had for a time the fear of infection and especially of tuberculosis. He was almost convinced that he would die prematurely of tuberculosis.
We are also familiar with tuberculosis (as well as syphilis) as the representative of what is evil, of incest and homosexuality. But for the present our patient sheds no light on this aspect of the subject. We do not care to influence Sigma and therefore do not disturb the course of his associations. Sigma shows but little interest in the analysis. He is mistrusting and hesitant. He does not have much time and seems relieved when the sitting is over.
The next sitting opens as follows: “I have come to ask you to make an appointment with me for tomorrow. I want to skip today. I must take a little rest and gather strength. Yesterday’s sitting has sort of taken me to pieces....”
During the first couple of sittings I had hardly spoken a word and had allowed Sigma to do all the talking. But the flight reflex, which dominates all homosexuals, because they are afraid of the truth, is here already coming to surface:
“What roused you so yesterday?”
“That you kept so quiet. It was an uncanny silence....”
“Would you have preferred to see me excited?”
“No.... I know, of course, that the physician must keep his balance. But that is precisely what I lack. What an awful impression I must have made on you!”
Hinc illae lacrimae! The subject is concerned over the impression he makes upon the physician. He wants to know whether the physician has sympathy for him, whether he is impressed or indifferent. He is afraid of making himself appear ridiculous. The physician becomes the chief person around whom his own life interests are being centered for the time.
“But that is irrelevant. You want to get well; and that has nothing to do with personal matters.”