“To be sure,—that is just what I was saying to myself. Doctor, you are my last hope. And yet, I am already losing patience and feel like running off. It is less than two weeks since I went to purchase a revolver intending to shoot myself. The plan fell through only on account of my lack of adroitness. I was unable to procure a revolver. The saleslady demanded to be shown a purchase permit and I did not have one. There must have also been a tremor in my voice. I was so excited.... If I had been able to procure that revolver I would not be now sitting in your office.”
“Why did you want to die?”
“A life full of trouble! No friends! No prospect of improvement! The everlasting depression!”
“And did you not think of the suffering you would have caused your mother? To your mother who sacrificed her life for you?”
“No, I was indifferent about that. It would have only served her right, because it is she who has ruined my life. It might have been the end of her too.... But I was truly sorry for my friend. He has so many cares and so much to think about. It would have shaken him up. He is a writer and is now at work on a new novel. It would have certainly thrown him out of the writing mood and it would have interfered with his creative activity.”
“What has your mother done you that you should want to punish her so severely?”
This brings out the last repressed grudge against the mother who came near separating him from his much beloved friend.
“Mother has ruined my whole life,” he continues, “she has separated me from my only and best friend. You have no idea what I suffered. He came daily to our house. He accompanied me on the piano so that we enjoyed unforgettable evenings together. Father was once a good singer. As there was no accompanist at hand he neglected the beautiful gift. Now we resurrected the old songs once more. Every evening was a festival. On account of a pulmonary apical catarrh I had to go to Egypt. During my absence a catastrophe occurred. Mother found that my friend was robbing her of a son’s love. She was jealous because he heard more often and received longer letters from me than the parents. She compelled my father to write Ernst a curt letter forbidding him to come to the house any longer or to correspond with me. From Ernst, to whom I wrote regularly three times weekly while he answered once, I received next an ironic letter, stating that I ought to enclose the parent’s permission next time I write him. Only then will he write me again. I did not understand what that meant until I read the enclosed father’s letter. I felt like one against whom the gates of heaven have been suddenly closed tight. I returned to Copenhagen at once, but did not dare to take openly a stand against mother. She had a bad heart spell the first time I reproached her bitterly and all the relatives called me her murderer. I made up secretly with Ernst and met him on the street. But mother found out. She followed me stealthily and when she discovered that I was meeting Ernst there followed terrible quarrels which I am unable to relate. I was thus very badly embittered and that innocent relationship was turned into a morbid whim. You will appreciate, therefore, that I cannot but hold a grudge against mother....”
“Have you not tried to rebel openly against the situation?”
“I was too weak for that. Father begged me not to disturb the happiness of our family circle. It was a terrible situation and I did not see my way out of it. That happened when I was 19 years of age. I have since told mother that I must meet Ernst once in a while. She is against the idea and wants to link me up to other friends. I am brought into contact with girls in the hope that I will take an interest in them. But the very fact that they are brought in my way under mother’s patronage, as it were, makes them repulsive to me from the outset. Moreover, I know that mother would be equally jealous if I should really love a girl. She will stand for no other love besides her. I am too broken up to ever break away and be self-reliant. So I remain everlastingly a mother’s boy. But I cannot endure this sort of thing any longer. I have had enough of this torture and want to see an end to it....”