He dreamed of visiting numerous urinals running from one to the other. This dream portrays him as searching for something. It appears that he is trying to trace down a particular infantile scene. He relates how obsessed he becomes with the desire to go from lavatory to lavatory until he finally sees the longed-for scene. He is seldom satisfied. Often there follows a feeling of disappointment and disgust. Occasionally an uncommon sense of peace during which he is able to gather his thoughts.
“I did not tell you the truth when I denied transvestitism (Verkleidungstrieb). I often entertain such fancies. I am particularly fond of Salome and I often portrayed myself in that rôle with keenest interest. My teachers were the prophets whose cold, severed head I kissed.”
This trend distinctly sadistic is fortified by numerous small details. He is jealous. He saw once his friend entertaining himself in friendly and lengthy conversation with a lady and the thought occurred to him that perhaps his friend was in love with her. He figured that he would be justified to take his friend’s life for he loved him more than any one else in the world. He pictured to himself that deed and what he would do to his friend. The chief motive he confessed reluctantly: “I should abuse sexually his body.” With that fancy there is linked also the portrayal of immense sadness.
The two features he mentions today are represented in the Merchant of Venice. A scene which always excited him, representing transvestitism. Portia as judge and the Jew bent on carving out a pound of flesh. Shylock and Salome. The bloody head of John is obvious enough.
Today, too, he is in a hurry and must get through quickly. He is always relieved when the hour is over. This raises the suspicion that he is trying to cover up further revelations....
He relates particulars regarding his homicidal fancies against his friends. His favored phantasy is the thought of pushing his favored friend into an abyss. They often take walks on the seashore. At a certain spot the coast is very steep and rocky and a fall there would mean certain death. He is also obsessed with the reflection: what would he do afterwards? Run away? No ... he would jump after his friend to be united with the latter in death....
The next dream carries us deeply into the structure of his homosexuality. First he relates the dream as he had written it down and then he adds reluctantly the portion indicated as “additional.” The addition usually contains the most important features.
The dream just before falling asleep:
Place: the grotto across the Schönbrunn Castle. I was descending the rocky incline and reached the lowermost declivity. I was very much afraid of falling into the water basin. I was wondering what to do, and I had the feeling that back of me, instead of rocks there were high stairs which I could never climb up. Suddenly I found myself on level ground, beyond the water. An automobile passed me by noiselessly and with lightning rapidity disappearing specter-like in the bushes. I saw no driver and nobody else in the machine. It seemed very uncanny but presently I knew that I was at home and in my bed. I should have liked to keep on dreaming but the wish to hold on to what I had dreamed thus far prevailed over all other desires. I was afraid I should forget my phantasy so far as it had unfolded and that I should have nothing to report to my consultant.
Shortly afterwards I fell actually asleep and i dreamed a great deal. I have tried to recall some of the things in the morning. It seems noteworthy that the dreams were but lightly intimated rather than carried out; there was always still something more about to take place but the next dream picture intruded before the previous one was all done.