Convict Life at the Minnesota State Prison, Stillwater, Minnesota

by William Casper Heilbron

IMAGINES HIMSELF PRESIDENT.

At present there is a life prisoner confined in the Minnesota State Prison who constantly imagines himself the President of the United States. He is a Russian, was considered quite harmless until a few years ago, when he threatened to kill the deputy warden, and was removed to the crank department. His conversations were very ludicrous, continually promising the boys who talked with him that “as soon as he was pardoned (which was always soon) he would appoint them” to the various positions at the disposal of the chief executive. As a humorist he was on a par with the inmate who imagines that his cell is full of ghosts. Every now and then this man proceeds to drive out these unwelcome intruders, and swears at them roundly. He becomes very noisy during this driving out process and the night guards [pg 56] frequently command him to desist. When assured that the ghosts are all out of his cell he remains quiet the rest of the evening. These spells occur frequently, and there is little question but that the man really believes that ghosts are in his cell.

PRISON HUMOR.

Several years ago there was an inmate in the Stillwater penitentiary who unconsciously perpetrated one of the best jokes that had been heard at the institution for some time. He was a German and a hard-working carpenter by trade. He was honest to a fault and led a model life while on the outside. The crime for which he was sentenced was assault on a fellow workman, and for this offense he received a two-year sentence at the Stillwater penitentiary. He was immediately put to work for the Minnesota Thresher Co., being assigned work in one of the carpenter shops. One day he forgot to take his plug of chewing tobacco with him to the shop, having left it laying on the small table in his cell. That evening when he came in from work he found the plug of tobacco missing. He at once began calling for one of the night guards, and on that gentleman's arrival the prisoner remarked:

“Say, Mr. Guard, dere must pe thieves in dis here blace. Mine tobacco's she was gone, und I harms noboddies. I dink ve petter send for dere bolicemans und catch sum uf dem rascals.”

The foregoing story is absolutely authentic, and was told again and again by the prisoners who appreciate a good joke as keenly as their free brothers. It also brings out rather forcibly the fact that, notwithstanding the man was in prison, he was still honest.

THE VERSATILE PRISONER.

It is quite generally known that the prisoners at the Minnesota state prison are prohibited from talking, and what conversation there is, generally takes place on a holiday or is permitted in cases where their work makes talking necessary. One day there was committed to the prison a man who was proficient in a dozen different languages. The deputy warden was examining the man as to his birth, nationality, religion, etc., and when he asked the prisoner his nationality he replied that he could talk in several different languages. “Hump,” grunted the deputy, “we talk English here and d— little of that.”

CAPT. “JACK” CRAWFORD'S JOKE ON THE GUARDS.

Several years ago the poet-scout, Capt. “Jack” Crawford, delivered a lecture in the prison chapel to the inmates. In passing it is well to state that this well-known lecturer makes it a point to visit the various penal and charitable institutions throughout the country free of charge, hence his friendly call at the Stillwater prison.