During the course of Mr. Crawford's remarks he paused in his discourse and said: “Men, I heartily sympathize with you for being in the unfortunate condition you are, but (and the speaker pointed his hands at each side of the room where the guards were stationed) if these high-toned gentlemen in blue uniforms were dressed in the same clothes you are and placed among you, why I couldn't tell the difference between you!”
This unintentional joke at the guards caused a great deal of applause, but when Mr. Crawford's remarks are [pg 58] examined by cold, logic, it will be found that he simply told the truth and that the dissimilarity is a question of clothes and nothing else.
FEEDING THE DONKEYS.
When the prison band was first organized the inmate musicians made a noise that was something indescribable. It sounded like a sawmill blowing up, or a handsaw striking a 60-penny spike. One day one of the highly-strung nervous chaps went up to the deputy warden and asked permission to buy a bale of hay.
“What do you want hay for?” asked the deputy.
“Why,” replied the prisoner, “I would like to present a bale of hay to those jackasses in the park who are making all that confounded noise.”
TRICKS OF PRISONERS WHO SHAM ILLNESS
A prison is not an admirable place for those disinclined to work. A man occasionally succeeds in hoodwinking the authorities for a time, but this rarely occurs. Whenever there is a reasonable doubt the prisoner is given the benefit of it. A case in particular is that of one Mr. B., who complained that the entire lower part of his body was paralyzed and that he was unable to walk. He was given a pair of crutches and put in the hospital ward, where he lived well, his wants supplied by the attendants and where he had absolutely nothing to do. The doctors suspected that he was faking and secretly applied tests to verify their belief. Evidently the man was on his guard and fully acquainted with the various modes of procedure in such cases, for he stood the tests unflinchingly.
Finally Warden Wolfer took his case under personal charge and evolved a plan that the clever prisoner had not figured on as one of the possibilities of detection. The strategy was this: A newly-appointed guard was dressed in a third-grade suit of convict clothes on the day when the prisoners in the crank department were given their weekly shave. Mr. B. was sitting on the bench waiting to be shaved. The deputy warden stepped into the room with the alleged third-grade prisoner and gruffly ordered him to be seated, then turned to the barber and told him to shave the third-grade man next, as he was in a hurry. Not an inkling of suspicion flashed across Mr. B.'s brain. In the door leading into this ward a small peep-hole is arranged, enabling the guard to look into the room without entering. The warden was stationed behind this door to observe the results of this scheme. As the third-grade “prisoner” sat down to be shaved he suddenly seized one of the barber's razors, and, with a whoop, jumped out of the chair and made for the “helpless” Mr. B., who immediately cast aside his crutches and rushed down the corridor to escape from the supposed demented “prisoner.” The fact that his legs were paralyzed and that he was acting a part was entirely forgotten.
At this stage of the proceedings the warden entered the room and informed the crestfallen Mr. B. that the comedy was over. At first he was inclined to continue the paralytic roll, but when informed that he had the option of going to work or taking an indefinite stay on a bread-and-water diet he wisely chose the first alternative, and for the remainder of his term gave no more trouble.