“When I went to sharpen my knife the other day in the cutting room I noticed a big mosquito on the frame of the grinding stone. He was evidently getting his proboscis in shape for the peek-a-boo season.”
“Eddie Foy, the famous comedian, used to sing, ‘There are [pg 97] Moments When One Wants to be Alone.’ This is the place for that Eddie. You need not look any farther or advertise Morning Telegra(w)ph.”
“Out of of a total number of one hundred and twenty-six tramps arrested in Philadelphia the other day, eighty-seven of them were baby carriage mechanics. The new woman has put this industry on the bum.”
“One of the inmates who is doing time for horse stealing, had a serious case of nightmare the other evening, Evidently he imagined he was again handling horses on the range and sheriff was gaining on him.”
“ ‘I am pleased to note,’ said Tailor Nelson, ‘The Mirror is keeping in touch with the latest sartorial fashions in this institution through this department. Coats will be worn longer by some than others is all I can say at this time.’ ”
“Uncle Sam is not seeking trouble, but he is something like the Irishman who threw his bonnet on a barroom floor and shouted, I am not looking for a fight, but there is going to be one if there is a man in the house who dares to jump on that old hat.”
“A big longshoreman in New Orleans by the name of Tim O'Keefe has challenged Jack Johnson to a rough and tumble fight. Tim has a hand as big as a ham and when unloading a vessel he uses a three hundred pound bale of cotton for a shoulder pad.”
“A woman in the east recently made her pet dog a present of a diamond collar that cost two thousand, five hundred dollars. Now I have reformed, still if I were hungry and did not have the price of a meal, I would be tempted to sandbag Fido for his sparks.”
“Cal, the sorter in shop H, who is an old sea dog himself, says that the only practical experience Sin Bad and other local fishermen ever had in the whaling line was throwing the harpoon into one of these miniature whales that are habitats of Liver Brown's free lunch counter.”
“One of the villagers here who has been accustomed to having a liquid nightcap before entering upon his nocturnal visits to Morpheus says he is compelled to have a nightcap here just before retiring—and therefore he wears one—made up of a towel. His imagination does the rest.”