But now, a Fair One will appear,
About her four-and-twentieth year;
Though, whatsoe'er may be her age,
She must be brought upon the stage,
Blooming and gay and form'd to please,
By the old man was call'd his niece,
And, though there were some doubts we know,
It turn'd out she was truly so.
All saw that he was fond of Miss,
Would often give and take a kiss,
And even with his money part,
To purchase smiles and make her smart.
Abroad she was not us'd to roam
But Novels read and stay'd at home.
The pantry's boon, so lean and spare,
Was forc'd on her unwilling care;
For when Old Avarice complain'd
Of the great cost his life sustain'd,
He ne'er forgot, 'mong human ills,
The baker's and the butcher's bills:
But 'twas her interest to be
The slave of his œconomy.
—An errand-man and one poor maid,
Were all who gave the household aid:
They were to am'rous purpose bent
So fed on love and were content;
And as Quæ Genus touch'd the Money,
Which was his fount of Milk and Honey;
His easy stomach never car'd
How lean the joint on which he far'd.
—It was his interest to agree,
In all things with Miss Emily,
As she could humour Uncle Squeeze,
And now and then possess the keys:
Nor could she shape her main design
Unless Quæ Genus would combine
The hobbling Old One to deceive,
And let in Friends without his leave.
She gave him physic, tuck'd his bed,
The pillow smooth'd to rest his head;
Then all around the curtains drew,
And having spoke the night's adieu,
Would gaily hasten down below
To smile upon the favour'd beau
Whom her commanding Billet-doux
Had summon'd to an interview.
From Uncle John's great hoard of wealth,
And the old man's declining health,
'Twas thought she soon would be a prize
Which smart young men might idolize;
That a great fortune Miss would be
From heirdom or by legacy:
While lovers, therefore, not a few,
Had pass'd before her in review,
Her kind warm heart might not disown
That she had fix'd her thoughts on one;
And he it was who had the power
To share with her an evening hour.
But to the point, which even love
Could not from her keen thoughts remove:
The Lady did not long delay
Thus the prime secret to convey,
"I have a precious plan, Quæ Genus,
And if 'tis manag'd well between us,
We may, as I know how, contrive,
vTo make our mutual int'rests thrive.
I have already something done,
As you will hear, for Number ONE,
And there's another scheme will do,
As you will know, for Number TWO.
My uncle's wealth is that of Crœsus,
But how he'll leave it, Heaven bless us,
I know not, nay, the trembling elf,
May not as yet be sure himself;
Though he, perhaps, may leave the whole
To Charity, to save his soul.—
Some folk have thought to make a will,
Is signal given for Death to kill,
But should he an intestate, die,
The long expecting family,
Will feed the greedy, gaping maw,
Of griping, grinding, hungry Law.
For though I am the next of kin,
Such various claimants will rush in,
Such troops of distant, country cousins,
Will haste by scores, at least by dozens;
So many Lawyers may appear,
To promise each an ample share,
That in what way these things may end,
If fortune be my foe or friend,
I wish, by all means, to ensure
Some independent sinecure,
And as you must the labour bear,
You will a just advantage share.
But not an atom of his wealth
Must we attempt to take by stealth,
No, though we could this night convey,
As a sure, undiscover'd prey,
His iron chest with all the gold
And brilliant treasure it may hold.
I only ask my views to aid
But a small portion of his trade,
And while above his riches flow,
We may make mod'rate gains below,
And what of that by us is done,
Must be from funds which are our own."
—The parties were at once agreed,
And the scheme fail'd not to succeed:
Nay, had stern fate the stroke delay'd,
A decent fortune they had made;
But as it was, their transient gain
Gave them no reason to complain.
—Now, ere twelve months or more were past,
John Squeeze, alas! had breath'd his last;
And though they search'd the mansion round,
A Will was no where to be found;
And relatives in numbers came,
Their rights to prove, their shares to claim;
While the shrewd Miss Amelia Squeeze
Lock'd ev'ry box and kept the keys.
—With angry threats the house resounded,
It was confusion worse confounded;
While she secure in prudent savings,
Calmly beheld their idle ravings,
As different ways they did pursue,
Which diff'rent Lawyers bade them do.
—And here we cannot overlook
The wary way the lady took.
Her favourite swain, it must be known,
A Pleader was of some renown;
To whom this offer she propos'd,
With which the learned Lawyer clos'd.
"If of the wealth of Old John Squeeze,
Of whom you know I am the Niece,
You prove me to be lawful Heir,
My charms and fortune you shall share."
—Thus she was left amid the paws
Of Lawyers and the tardy Laws,
With chance that when ten years were past,
A husband she might get at last.
—Not as such union often ends,
She and Quæ Genus parted friends:
But ere Old Squeeze'em was dispos'd,
Ere the cold marble o'er him clos'd,
Our Hero had a gracious tender
From Jacob Levi, Money-Lender.
He, having had some kind of feeling
With John in his usurious dealing,
Observ'd Quæ Genus, who had been
Just such an useful go-between,
As would find favour in the sight
Of the keen, cautious Israelite,
Who, therefore, with inviting grace,
Offered him his vacant place.
The proverb says it is a curse
To go at once from bad to worse,
And though, at first, he did not feel it,
Time was determin'd to reveal it.
—Of late, or more or less, 'tis true,
Distress was in his frequent view,
But then in its prevailing feature,
It was but of a transient nature.
A proud man for a whole week's date
Might cease, perhaps, to eat off plate,
Still, Dresden service could supply
A varying scene of luxury:
Or vanity might not resort
To aid the splendour of a Court,
From absent state of decoration,
Required by certain rank and station:
But, for a time, well-fram'd excuses
Custom or fashion ne'er refuses;
When soon again the plate is seen,
The silver-smith has made it clean,
And in a week, or month, or so,
It will resume its usual show.
Again the glitt'ring gems display
At the gay Fête the dazzling ray,
On having done the appointed duty
To ease the wants of pride and beauty. |
