“I worked very cautiously, and kept it very quiet, but my room during Junior year was scarcely better than a downright gambling den. Late into the nights we played, with drawn curtains, and our stakes ran even higher than had been known in the games of Rapello and Leisenring. I always forced the play boldly, taking pride in my reckless daring and the luck that almost invariably attended it. A change, however, came at last, and toward the end of Junior year I began to suffer heavy reverses. The passion for play had by this time taken thorough possession of me, and I could not give up the game. My position as the leader, moreover, made it doubly difficult for me to retire, had I wanted to. At the beginning of Senior year, when I returned to college, I had lost all I had ever won.
“Thinking that my luck would turn, I began the game again in my rooms. Only a few college students rejoined me, for the stakes had grown high, so I sought a few companions among some of the men of the town. They were older than I, and had, as a rule, considerable money. After a month or so the game was transferred from my room—where it was risky—to a place in town. Here my ill luck began again, and all during the winter I continued to lose, until I had nothing left. Then, still unable to give up the game, and always hoping to recover my lost ground, I began to play on borrowed money. This continued until my credit was gone amongst my friends, then I played for a while without money, paying my losses in promissory notes.
“As I saw these notes coming due, and found myself unable to meet them, I grew desperate, and stooped to a number of half dishonest devices in order to secure the cash needed. I can’t mention all these. They made me feel ashamed at first, but necessity forced me, and I soon became used to it. Things that had previously seemed mean and despicable to me, became matters of indifference. I found myself excusing acts that had always aroused my contempt. At length I got down to cheating—I couldn’t help it. I had to have money. I didn’t cheat in the games with town men. I couldn’t do that—they were too sharp for me; but I would play smaller games with under classmen and win money by unfair practices. In doing this I was very careful, and was never suspected. Those from whom I have obtained money in this way are good friends, and have never supposed me guilty of dishonorable dealing. But it weighed on me and destroyed my peace of mind. I was always uneasy and in fear of being detected, so I looked about me for other means of obtaining money.
“It was then that tennis occurred to me. I began to bet on my playing, not in small sums—I had done that often before—but heavily. Some one dared me to play you, saying that you could beat me. I made a bet of twenty-five dollars on the result, and invited you to play me. That bet I lost, as you know, and you refused to give me an opportunity of recovering that loss. At that time I was specially hard pressed for money, and ready to do almost anything to secure it. Suddenly an idea occurred to me that seemed to promise well. If I could interest the college in contributing to lawn tennis I might make use of the money appropriated for this purpose, and obtain temporary relief from the debts that were pressing me so hard. I did not contemplate actually stealing the money. I only wanted to gain time until I could raise more money in some other quarter.
“I had it all arranged that I should be nominated for treasurer in case the college took up with my idea, and I would have no difficulty in being elected, as I had always been so prominent in tennis. I took advantage of the fact that baseball stock seemed low, and tried to draw the college toward tennis. You know how my effort failed, but you do not know how desperate that failure made me. I was angry with everybody, especially with you, whom I believed to be chiefly to blame—you see I don’t mind telling all this. I can do myself no harm now.”
“But Howard,” cried Ray aghast, “could even that bring you to such an act as this? Could——”
“No. The worst is to come. That only made me angry, and it was because I was angry with you that I intercepted your letter about the baseball meeting. It was merely to get square with you. It was mean and small, I know, but it isn’t the worst I have done.
“Of course I was compelled to carry my debts for a while longer, and as this was becoming more and more difficult on account of the growing impatience of my creditors, I was at my wits’ end to know what to do. Some notes had come due, others were impending, and the men—who had been friendly enough at the start—refused to extend the time, and threatened to force me to payment. Of course I did not fear legal prosecution for a debt contracted at cards, but I dreaded exposure, and the disgrace that would follow. So it continued until last Wednesday night.
“It was then that I cast all caution to the winds, and determined to make a bold move at cards. I had not been playing lately, for I had no money, and the others had refused to trust me for any further amounts. But Wednesday night I received a little money from home and I went to the usual place. I feared that they would keep me from the game on account of my unpaid debts, so I told them that I had only fifteen dollars, and as they seemed to be in a good humor they let me in, each of my creditors, I suppose hoping that I would win enough to pay off his claim. I was reckless of consequences, and had come to win by any means fair or unfair. As I might have supposed, in such an experienced crowd, I was detected before I had cheated half a dozen times, and then a terrible storm arose. I thought I would be torn to pieces. They rose in a body, calling me a swindler and blackleg, and put me out of the place. Before leaving they dictated the terms of payment of the money I owed them. They told me that unless the notes that were due were paid by Saturday they would expose me to the town and faculty and so ruin my character as well as my chances of graduation.
“I knew not where to turn. My first impulse was to run away, anywhere, so as to be free from the terrible burden that was growing on me. Every resource had been exhausted, and exposure and disgrace awaited me. Oh, such a night of agony as I passed! I lay awake, racking my brain for some method of escape. Suddenly I thought of Professor Fuller. It was humiliating to think of visiting him on such an errand, but I knew that I must obtain money somewhere, and that he had been kind to the boys, so I resolved to call on him. I did so the next morning. I did not tell him the story, but said I owed money to tradesmen in town, that they were pressing me hard and threatened trouble, that I didn’t want to ask my father at once for more money, as I had just received some from home; and I solicited his help for a short time. The more pressing debts amounted to $100, and this sum he lent me.