no sooner had he put on his specs, and begun to focus his fowl, than he suddenly started up, rang for the cook, and after having vociferated at her carelessness, and lectured her for being so extremely perfunctory and disorderly in not keeping the cat out of the cupboard, till his appetite for scolding was pretty well satisfied, he paused for her apology: the guardian genius of the pantry, to his extreme astonishment, informed him, that his suspicions concerning the hideous appearance which had so shocked him, was erroneous: such unsightly havoc was not occasioned by the epicurism of a four-legged brute, and that the fowls were exactly in the same state they came from the table, and that young Master Johnny had cut them up himself.
Those in the parlour should recollect the importance of setting a good example to their friends at the second table. If they cut bread, meat, cheese, &c. fairly, it will go twice as far as if hacked and mangled by some sensualists, who appear to have less consideration for their domestics than a good sportsman for his dogs.
A prudent carver will distribute the dainties he is serving out in equal division, and regulate his helps by the proportion his dish bears to the number it is to be divided among, and considering the quantum of appetite the several guests are presumed to possess.
If you have a bird, or other delicacy at table, which cannot be apportioned out to all as you wish, when cut up, let it be handed round by a servant; modesty will then prompt the guests to take but a small portion, and such as perhaps could not be offered to them without disrespect.
Those chop-house cormorants who
“Critique your wine, and analyze your meat,
Yet on plain pudding deign at home to eat,”
are generally tremendously officious in serving out the loaves and fishes of other people; for, under the notion of appearing exquisitely amiable, and killingly agreeable to the guests, they are ever on the watch to distribute themselves the dainties[412-*] which it is the peculiar part of the master and mistress to serve out, and is to them the most pleasant part of the business of the banquet; the pleasure of helping their friends is the gratification which is their reward for the trouble they have had in preparing the feast: such gentry are the terror of all good housewives; to obtain their favourite cut they will so unmercifully mangle your joints, that a lady’s dainty lapdog would hardly get a meal from them afterward; but which, if managed by the considerative hands of an old housekeeper, would furnish a decent dinner for a large family.
The man of manners picks not the best, but rather takes the worst out of the dish, and gets of every thing (unless it be forced upon him) always the most indifferent fare by this civility, the best remains for others; which being a compliment to all that are present, every body will be pleased with it; the more they love themselves, the more they are forced to approve of his behaviour, and gratitude stepping in, they are obliged, almost whether they will or not, to think favourably of him.
After this manner it is that the well-bred man insinuates himself in the esteem of all the companies he comes in; and if he gets nothing else by it, the pleasure he receives in reflecting on the applause which he knows is secretly given him, is to a proud man more than equivalent for his former self-denial, and overpays self-love, with interest, the loss it sustained in his complaisance to others.
If there are seven or eight apples, or peaches, among people of ceremony, that are pretty nearly equal, he who is prevailed on to choose first, will take that which, if there be any considerable difference, a child would know to be the worst.