Miss Henrietta Julia Wiggins, on her Travels, to Miss Adelaide Theresa Ditto, in Bucklersbury. With a short Postscript from Mamma, and another from Papa.
"Ma chère Sœur—According to promise, I now send you the journal of my tour; but, hélas! if you expect it has been a happy one, you trompez yourself most sadly. Mon dieu! the sufferings we have undergone! Mais voilà the journal.
"Monday, Sept. 1.—Embarked on board the "Emerald" steamer at London Bridge for Boulogne, at one o'clock in the morning, after having passed a miserable night in packing up, and trying to go to sleep in easy chairs. Pa complaining of symptoms of lumbago.—All the berths taken, mostly by gentlemen—or rather, by monsters in the form of gentlemen. Mon dieu! what brutes the English men are! to suffer us poor helpless femelles to pass the night on deck, while they are snoring away comfortably in the cabins! Ma's blue silk pelisse was soon put hors de combat by the nasty tar and stuff, and my new French-white bonnet was turned into a regular London smoke in ten minutes by the horrid chimney.—Ma has made the acquaintance of a very nice Dame Française, who speaks pretty good English, and abounds in anecdotes about la grande nation. Also, has kindly taken charge of one of Ma's sacs de nuit; as she says the French douaniers won't allow people to land more than one carpet-bag a-piece, and Ma not choosing to leave her valuables at the mercy of those vilains bêtes, the custom-house officers. Moi aussi, j'ai fait connaissance with a charming fellow, the Marquís de Mandeville, a young militaire, in black moustaches and a green foraging cap.—Marquis beginning to make himself very agreeable; in fact, becoming quite amoureux, when both taken suddenly ill, and obliged to part. Ah! Adelaide dear! it's a sad change, from love-sick to sea-sick! French lady very kind, and asked me if I had the mal de mere—thought she meant "my mother's complaint," which you know is rheumatism in the hips—answered accordingly, and got horribly laughed at by a lot of rude fellows in make-believe sailors' jackets.—Ma next attacked—Pa next—tout le monde soon in the same plight. Sensation dreadful—headache worse and worse—Ma wanted to be set down at Dover, but Captain wouldn't hear of it. French lady very attentive—would fetch tumblers of brandy and water for Pa and Ma and me—couldn't drink a drop—she did, and wasn't sick at all. Obliged to stop my journal—so very ill.
"Tuesday, Boulogne—Landed here half dead, having lost the tide, and obliged to pass another night at sea. All very ill. Pa's lumbago confirmed, and Ma's rheumatism très mal.—Unable to go to Paris; and our places having been paid for all the way, obliged to forfeit the money; Pa very cross, Ma very uncomfortable. 5 o'Clock, p.m.—Pa has just been in to say that the French lady refuses to give up Ma's sac de nuit, containing all her valuables; and that, as it was landed in her name, there's no remedy.—A call from Marquis—advises us not to make a rumpus about it, for fear of being taken up as smugglers. His lordship's valet not being yet arrived, under the unpleasant necessity of borrowing five pounds of Pa. Pa very suspicious, until Marquis showed us his passport, where they have taken him two black eyes, a nose aquilin, black cheveux, and five feet three inches of taille. Only think, Adelaide dear! what a picture of a lover!
"Wednesday.—Passed a dreadful night, not having been able to sleep a wink for the punaises. Ma bit all over, and her face as big as two. Moi aussi, my eyes completely swelled up, all but one little corner, just enough to see what a fright I am in the looking-glass. Unable to get any assistance from the people at the inn, our manuel du voyageur not containing any dialogue between a chambermaid and a lady bitten by bugs; and Pauline, Ma's maid, that she hired by advertisement, having left us the moment we landed, her only motive in engaging herself at all being to get her passage paid back to her native country.—Can't get anything that we can eat at the inn, and reduced to sea biscuits and water. I have again tried to make our wants known to the fille de chambre, but without success, they do speak such very bad French in the provinces—quite a patois, in fact. Hope we shall do better in Paris.—Marquis called, and recommended Pa to hire a valet de place. Kindly undertook to provide him one, who speaks French and English, and understands the horrible patois of the Boulognese. This will take a good deal off my hands, who am obliged to be interpreteur to the whole party.—Alexis, the new valet de place, arrives.—Got something eatable at last, and are to start for Paris demain matin.
"Thursday.—Up at five. Déjeûner, and start for Paris at seven—Marquis in same diligence. Weather dreadfully hot. Rival diligence got the start, and will keep before us all day, the French laws not allowing one coach to pass another. Dust dreadful—and worse for us than any of the rest, as we had taken our seats in front of the voiture, for the sake of seeing the country—and, after all, no country to see. Proposed to some gentilhommes inside to change places with Ma and me; but met with a flat refusal. Begin to think French gentlemen are not much more poli than English ones.—Dined at Abbeville, and arrived at Amiens late at night, very tired and ill.
"Friday.—Up at five, after a sleepless night. Started at seven. Heat comme hier—dust ditto: two diligences before us.—Dined, or rather table d'hôte'd (which is a very different thing) at Clermont. Didn't eat an ounce all three of us, but obliged to pay five francs a-piece for our dinners—and, as we had no francs left, the people kindly consented to take English shillings instead.—Ma and I quite ill, from heat, and dust, and fasting, and one thing or another; and Pa's lumbago much worse since the heavy thunderstorm which soaked thro' his waterproof hat, and ran off his Mackintosh into his shoes, till they were all of a squash.—Seeing our distress, three French gentlemen inside kindly consented to relinquish their seats in our favour, an offer which we gladly accepted. The French are really polite, après tout!—10 o'Clock, à la nuit!—Arrived in Paris at the Hotel de Lyon, the Marquis very politely handing us out, and seeing us to our room.—Rather annoyed by Pa's coming in and kicking up a rumpus about the gentlemen who had taken our paid places on the première banquette, and who had left him to pay for the three insides all the way from Boulogne.—Marquis very aimable, and gave us all a pressing invitation to pay him a visit at his château in La Vendée.
"Saturday.—The Marquis to breakfast.—With his Lordship to the Jardin des Plantes, where we had no sooner arrived among the lions and tigers than it began to rain cats and dogs. The noble Marquis very kind in holding the umbrella over him and me, and sending Pa to call a coach at the neighbouring coach-stand. Pa très long-tems away—at last saw him coming along in the custody of two gend'armes, covered with mud and dirt, and bleeding profusely. Learned that poor Pa, instead of calling 'cocher,' as he ought to have done, had called the man 'cochon,' which, you know, means 'pig;' at which the coachman at first laughed; but Pa persisting in calling him 'cochon,' he at last got down in a rage, and attacked Pa most furiously. I am sorry to say, poor Pa got terriblement maltraité. Ma has been in fits ever since, and Pa won't be able to go out for weeks. Pour moi, I am as ill as any one can be—nothing but the Marquis's kindness keeps me alive...."
"P.S.—Sunday.—My dearest child! Your unhappy mother sends you this. Your deluded sister disappeared last night with the Marquis de Mandevil, leaving this unfinished letter on her table, and your Pa and me both heart-broken. I am too ill to write any more.
Your miserable mother,