THE INVASION OF BOULOGNE.
From Henry Dobbs, Stoker on Board the City of Edinburgh Steamer, to Bill Ball, Touter to the Commercial Company in London.
"O Criky Bil—ven i tuk my Last tender partin off yew down in the cole ole off the citty off Heddinborow and Himprinted that here kis on the hafecshonat mouth of yewr sister kate vich she sed she wood nevver wash off the Blak til it wore away in the riglar Coarse off natur, litel did i think i shood evver cum to be puld up afore a lot of frensh Beaks and cald upon to comit Purgatory by swaring my name was mountseer Hornree Doe insted of plain Harry Dobbs. Arter a deal of bother and giberish, Gilty or not gilty, ses they. Parly voo fronsy, ses i, at vich the juge de Pay (so cald i supose becaws yew ar obleegt to Bribe him befour yew can get anny justiss out off him) busted out a laffin; arter vich the Porkipine du Raw repeted the kestin, Gilty or not gilty, ses he, Non mi recordo, ses i, at vich off vent the old juge agen, wors nor evver the Lord mare and mister obler, tho i ust to Think they vas the Rumist chaps for Larkin a feler off to the gallass as evver i seed. Thinks i if yew vonts to cum down uppon me with yewr Burns justiss i shal cum down uppon yew vith my Cokes.
"But to Begin at the beginin. at Blakvall ve tuk on board a Grate menny of the mountseers, most on em cummin down by the Stand-up train—vich gravesend Dito and Dito Dito hern Bay and margit. Bean my 1st interduxion in frensh sosiaty i may say i vos tuk ½ a turn astarn at fust But sune got my steem up and vos awl rite in no time. Vot i most admires in the frensh carekter is vot devvels they ar to Drink! theyde got lots off sperrits vith em, and ass i say Ven yewr goin a Long viage theres nothink like sumthink Short. Afore ve vos fairly out off the rivver the gemmen vos ½ seas over, and sich Rummy felers for Brandy i nevver clapt my iis on. Allso hosions of lemmonaid and neguss, and ass nateraly concludes amung so menny papishes lots of pop-ery. The same of soder vater and ginger bear, spannish juce vater and O sucree, so that ass the capten sed instid off bean at Hern bay yew mite have fancied yewrself at the Cove of Cork. And deer Bil alow me to say in regard of Drinkin there aint no cumparrison between the O D V and the O Sucree. The fust is rely a cappital O.
"Onfortinat the vind began to get up ven ve got into Blew vater, and sune arter cummin on a gale vas a deth Blow to their merryment, the grate guns sune clering avay their pokket Pistols. From ramsgit ve run to Rye, vich yew mite hav told by the Rye faces, and the fowl vether continnying the mountseers vos awl sicks and sevens. Arter a vile there vos a bit of a lul, vich yung Bony tuk the hopertunity of the sea sicknes makin him a litel moor Sober to adres his joly cumpanyons everry 1, vich such ass dared ventur their ankerchers from their mouths Waved em in the air cryin ip ip huray! in their frensh lingo, and then awl vent down into the salloon and sune arter cum up agen Togd out ass genralls and Kernels, vich vos fine Nuts for our felers, and deer Bill my opinyan is they vood hav tuk franse prisoner Esy anuff only for 1 thing vich is this, Bean awl Listed ass Comandin ofisirs and no Privets their vosent nobdy to obay orders ven the vord vos gev to Fire, and next time they atemts a hinwasion they must take out less Musk and moor Muskits, and not fancy they can konker a kingdum vith nothink but sedlits Powder.
"The 1st land ve made in franse vas Cape Greeny,[[4]] vich vos werry appropo. But dident go ashore til ve got to neer Bulloan, ven the chap ass had got the Live egle in the cage bean too Drunk to make him Go threw his performenses and me haveing tuk the hopertunaty of Toggin myself out in 1 off the hoffisirs castoff sutes, jined the xpedishun ass a Vollunteer, vith the egle atop off my hed and 1 off the Cole saks under my cote to Bring avay the Lewy nappolions in. Ve then marcht to Bulloan and jined by several werry Respectabel fish wimmen enterd the barrax, vere there vos a Rigler shindy betwixt the sham solgers and the Real vons. Yung Bony shot 1 poor feler, ass he sed for the Meer fun off the thing and to kepe the game alive, vich deer Bil it seems werry Ard dont it for a chap vot refusis a Napolion to be put off vith a Pistole. Ass sune ass wede got kikt out of the barrax Prince lewy gev a Permotion in honner. 1 chap vos created a Leegun of honner, a nuther a Shivvileer, a nuther a Gennerrallissimmo and so on, and deer Bill i beleav i vos created Sumthink, but not bean quite perfict in my frensh ar unable to say vot i am, so pleas Direct at pressant ass nuthink but Nite off the egle, and ven i No myself Betor vil drop yew ½ a hounse to inform.
[4]. Query—Cape Grisnez?—Rig. Fun.
"Ve next marcht to the Hi toun vich tawk of frensh Perlitenes they shet the Dore in our fases; and then Repared to the Grand collum Bilt by the riginal Bony to comensurate the Grand viktry ass vos to have bean hobtained by the Grand army ass vos to hav hinvaded ingland. Hear, arter bilkin the dorekeper out off his 6 pense, the chap vot carred the standerd mounted up to the top, and me Thinkin that vos the safist place for the pressant Followd his leder vith the egle, vich as sune as ve arived at the sumat had a Werry hextensif vew off Prinse lewy a cuttin his unlukky, folowd by his folowers at Hi pressure spede, and awl makin for the coast ass if the devvle ad em. In coarse the collum vos sune surounded and ve vos sumond to cum down. Poor mountseer havein the frensh union Jak found upon him vos sune tuk up and sent to Prisn. But deer Bil takin the Hopertunaty off a rigement off the nashonal gards and a kumpny off the John Dams and a batalyan of the perventif sirvis Rushin on the poor standerd barer at the Botom of the collum i Let fly the egle from the Top and takein out the cole sak Blakt myself awl over and rented my cloas into a meer Stoker, so ass ven they come to xamen me Found nothink like Proof pozitif, and insted off bean brote in a frensh Hero shal turn myself out to be nothink but a Halibi.
"Ass for the Grand army most off em ran into the vater and vos Tuk prizners by the bathin wimen. Sum got Pepperd by the John Dams and sum got Salted by the oshun, but deer Bil to conclude i shal nevver jine a Bony party agen as lungs i breathe, and Prinse lewy will xcuse me sayin he showd himself a Propper goose for ingagin in sich a war of Propper gander.
"yewrs Truly,