Rank and Talent; A Novel, Vol. 2 (of 3)

by William Pitt Scargill

There are always to be found about town, great, lubberly, weak, idle men of family, with whom such men as Dr. Crack may be on most excellent terms. Such a one was Singleton Sloper, fourth or fifth cousin of Lord Sloper. Singleton Sloper was about five-and-thirty years of age; as ignorant as it is possible for any human creature to be. He had not even received the benefit of an education at a public school; but when he was a boy, he did by means of much roaring, blubbering, and grumbling, prevail with his indulgent parents to let him go to a nice, neat, quiet, comfortable, little boarding-school for young gentlemen, where the strictest attention was paid to the health and morals of the pupils, and where the milder arts of persuasion were substituted for the needless severity of public schools. It was one of those schools to which mammas are so partial. The young gentlemen were kept so nicely, and no rude boisterous play was allowed. All the books were so prettily embellished, and the young gentlemen, instead of learning a little Greek and Latin as they do at public schools, were instructed so prettily in all the arts and sciences, that they became in a few years universal philosophers. But we must turn our attention to Mr. Singleton Sloper, who had not, we are sorry to say, profited so much by this excellent system of instruction as young gentlemen usually do. For in general it is found, that though there may be some slight lack of ideas in persons thus instructed, they generally remember some words which might be useful if they knew how to apply them; but Dr. Crack's great friend, Singleton Sloper, had even forgotten all the words which he had learned. He had certainly been very wisely taught by the interrogatory system, which answers finely in the holidays, but unfortunately as Singleton grew up he forgot it, or questions and answers were in his cranium so jumbled together, that he could not tell which was which. Those there are who may be a little surprised that the learned and eloquent Dr. Crack should find pleasure in associating with so stupid a creature as Singleton Sloper. We were astonished when we first heard of it; but the fact is, that the pleasure of an intimacy with a gentleman related to nobility was enough to counterbalance every other consideration. And though Singleton was a sottish, low-minded, and ill-looking being, yet Dr. Crack, who was a smart, spruce dapper-looking, dandy-like animal, was absolutely proud of strutting about in broad daylight with this poor, empty-headed creature. To his capacity and comprehension did the doctor endeavour to adapt himself, and with him would the doctor talk about all the vulgarities and coarsenesses of low-minded, high-born, indolent people. The doctor was really proud of this acquaintance, and to lower people would boast of his intimacy with his friend Sloper. This worthy was not absolutely cut by all of his own rank, because it was possible that in the course of time he might become possessed of large estates and great influence: but such were his low and vulgar habits, that few took much notice of him; therefore, he was accessible to plebeians. Being for his vulgar habits and coarseness of mind and manners treated superciliously by persons of rank with whom his birth gave him a right to be on terms of intimacy and feeling, that his own manners were such as could not recommend him to persons of gentlemanly mind, he was very much addicted to declaim among his vulgar associates on the pride and haughtiness of the great. Dr. Crack too, who had not found rank quite so accessible as he had desired and expected, joined in the declamation, and expressed his contempt for all kinds of pride. It was amusing enough that Dr. Crack, who had consigned to oblivion all his poor little cousin Cricks to the four-and-twentieth ramification of relationship, should turn up his nose at the pomposity and exclusiveness of persons of rank and fortune.

One day when the doctor and his high-born friend were sauntering about in Pall Mall, and watching the carriages as they drove to the British Gallery, they stopped nearly opposite to the entrance, so that they could see the persons who went in. The doctor put his glass to his eye, he might as well have put it into his mouth for any use it was to him. As he was gaping at a carriage just that moment drawing up, Singleton said, or rather drawled,

"Crack, do you know whose carriage that is?"

"Oh yes, that is my friend Lord Trimmerstone's carriage. There is the Countess I see; but who is that on whose arm the Countess is leaning?"

"That," said Singleton Sloper, "is a perfumed puppy, called Tippetson. I almost smell him at this distance. I wonder that Trimmerstone lets him be always there. He is everlasting dangling after the Countess. He is a fellow of low birth, but he has found out the art of intruding himself into better company than his father ever kept. He is really becoming quite fashionable. I should not be much surprised if he runs away with Lady Trimmerstone. It has been talked about some time."

Our readers will hardly believe us, when we inform them, that upon receiving this intelligence concerning Mr. Tippetson, our friend, Dr. Crack, immediately felt a very strong desire to become acquainted with him, and to set him down among the number of his intimates: it is however a fact. The reason for this may be found in the peculiar ambition of the doctor's mind. His passion was for fashionable society. He had heard and read of the vices and follies of fashionable life; and these being to the eye of the multitude the most prominent features in the portrait of high life, he considered them as essential characteristics of that class, and was pleased whenever it was in his power to identify himself with them. It immediately entered into his mind that it would contribute much to his own celebrity, if he should be intimately acquainted with a gentleman who should immortalise himself by eloping with a countess. Without expressing to Sloper this wish, he proposed, for the sake of consuming half an hour, to go into the Gallery and look at the company. The Gallery was very much crowded, and Dr. Crack felt sorry that he had not left word at home where he might be found: for it would be so delightful to be called out amidst so apparently splendid and fashionable an assemblage. The doctor soon found the Countess sitting on a bench, and Mr. Tippetson standing by her, and making himself as absurdly ridiculous as he possibly could. The doctor addressed himself to the Countess, and her ladyship was most gracious and condescending. Mr. Tippetson retreated a few steps that he might have room to lift his glass to his eye, and look through it at the doctor. Sloper paid his respects to the Countess, and soon retired, leaving the indefatigable physician enjoying the luxury of paying court to a titled lady.

After a few minutes' conversation about nothing at all, the Countess beckoned to Henry Augustus, saying,

"Tippetson, let me introduce you to my friend, Dr. Crack: you have heard of the celebrity of the doctor, and his fame in nervous cases."

"Exactly so," said Mr. Tippetson; and then turning to the doctor, he continued: "I am most happy in the introduction; doctor, I believe I must consult you on the subject of my nerves, for I am growing worse and worse. The other day, when I was setting my watch by the clock at the Horse Guards, an old acquaintance, presuming on his intimacy, gave me a violent slap on the shoulders, and positively I almost fainted. I could not recover my strength all the rest of the day; and when I was endeavouring to raise a glass of claret to my lips, my hand trembled so that I spilled the wine, and so I was betrayed into taking a second glass; a piece of intemperance, of which I am not often guilty."