"St. Paul says they who marry do well enough, but they who don't marry do WELL-ER! Sensible man that. Nevertheless, had I flourished in those times, I would have undertaken to change his sentiments; for those old-fashioned gentlemen were worth running after.
"One half the women marry for fear they shall be old maids. Now I'd like to know why an old maid is to be snubbed, any more than an old bachelor? Old bachelors receive 'the mitten,' occasionally, and old maids have been known to outlive several 'offers.' They are both useful in their way—particularly old bachelors!
"Now I intend to be an old maid; and I shall found a mutual accommodation society, and admit old bachelors honorary members. They shall wait on us evenings, and we'll hem their pocket hand-kerchers and mend their gloves. No boys under thirty to be admitted. Irreproachable dickeys, immaculate shirt-bosoms and faultless boots indispensable. Gentlemen always to sit on the opposite side of the room—no refreshments but ices! Instant expulsion the consequence of the first attempt at love-making! No allusion to be made to Moore or Byron! The little 'bye-laws' of the society not to be published! Moonlight evenings, the sisters are not at home! the moon being considered, from time immemorial, an unprincipled magnetiser!"
XXXVII.
A WOMAN WITH A SOUL.
"A new affectation is to speak of the soul as feminine. For example, the London papers announce the third edition of 'The Soul, HER sorrows, and HER aspirations.'"
I always thought John Bull was a goose; now I know it! A woman with a soul! I guess so! (made out of an old spare-rib!) What on earth does she want of a soul? First thing you know, she'd be eating of the 'tree of knowledge,' and we had enough of that in Eve's day; I tell you there are none but masculine souls.
"It is a matter of astonishment and thanksgiving to me that men condescend to notice us at all. I trust all the sisters feel their inferiority, and know how to keep their place, as well as I do! It's next door to martyrdom when they speak to me, I'm in such a 'fluster' for fear I shall make some wretched blunder. It is as much as ever I dare to LOOK at them, but when it comes to TALKING, I'm entirely nonplussed! If by good luck I catch an idea, I chase it round till I lose it; and if I were to swallow a whole dictionary, I couldn't clothe that idea in words! Oh, dear! wish I had a 'soul,' just to see how it would seem! It would be so refreshing to have a new sensation!"
XXXVIII.
CLERICAL COURTING.
The following sketch, published by Mrs. Farrington under the name of Fanny Fern, is a graphic life-picture. We are informed that a worthy gentleman connected with her family by marriage, sat for the portrait of Ephraim.