"Mr. Ephraim Leatherstring labored under the hallucination that he had a call to preach the gospel to the heathen. He had hitherto hid his 'light under a bushel' in the worldly occupations of mending fences, felling trees, driving cattle and shoeing horses. Conceiving that the chief qualifications for his new office were a pair of green spectacles, and a long, petticoat-y, ministerial cloak, he forthwith equipped himself in this spiritual armor, and presented himself before 'the Board;' by whom, after examination, he was pronounced a perfect—shingle! and forthwith set apart for the work.
"His passage was spoken in the Sea-Gull for the Ourang Outang Islands, and his sea-chest duly stored with 'Village Melodies' and penny tracts, when it was intimated to him by 'the Board' that it would be advisable for him to provide himself with a help-meet before starting. Whether they feared his yoking with an unbeliever, or—well—no matter; any way, two days' grace were allowed him to find Mrs. Ephraim Leatherstring. Letters of introduction to three damsels were given him, whose parents' principles were known to be 'dyed in the wool.'
"Now this little matrimonial luxury had not been thought of by Ephraim; or, if it had, was quickly banished from his mind as a temptation of Satan, and quite incompatible with his new calling. However, coming to him recommended by such high authority, 'Barkis was willing!'
"His first call was upon Miss Charity Church. She was absent on a visit. Unfortunate female!! No chance for her to see the Ourang Outang Islands! Ephraim began to feel nervous, for, now he had made up his mind to be a victim, he didn't like to be disappointed.
"Nothing daunted, he wended his way to Deacon Pettebone's. His daughter Merinda was as round as a barrel and much the same shape, as rosy as an apple and quite as sweet, and had been brought up by the deacon, and that's enough said! Eph. made known his errand to the deacon, who was highly delighted at the honor about to be conferred on his family, and left him alone with his chubby daughter, not doubting that she would be of the same opinion. Now Ephraim, (spite of his long cloak and green spectacles,) had made the acquaintance of several other damsels in the course of his earthly pilgrimage; but he knew that this missionary wooing was to be got up on a new principle; so he decorously seated himself in the farthest corner of the room, placed the palms of his hands together, allowing the two forefingers to meet, and began to tell 'his experience,' by way of solemnizing her mind, to all of which Merinda appeared to listen with becoming gravity. He then informed her, that he and 'the Board' had decided to invite her to be his co-worker and fellow-laborer in the Ourang Outang vineyard. Then, peering over his green spectacles at Merinda, who sat stuffing the corners of her checked apron in her mouth, he said, 'Silence gives consent. Let us pray.' When he arrived at Amen, and turned his head to reward himself with a long look at his future wife, Merinda was among the missing; rolling on the grass at the back part of the house, in a perfect paroxysm of laughter! Eph. had no more time to waste on such a sinner, so he picked himself up, and his cloak was soon seen fluttering in the wind, in the direction of Parson Clutterbuck's.
"Now it was foreordained that Kezia should be the chosen vessel. She was always at home, and there he found her; as straight and perpendicular as if she had swallowed the meeting-house steeple. His errand was soon made known—the form slightly varying from the first order of performances. Kezia straightened down the folds of her stiffly-starched neckerchief, and said meekly, that 'she felt inclined to think it was the path of duty for her;' which Eph. ventured to subscribe to, with the first holy kiss; when he started back in consternation, on observing that her red hair was curled around her face. He shook his head ominously, and said, 'he was afraid 'the Board' would think it had a carnal look,'—but upon Kezia's informing him that it was a defect she was born with, they made up their minds that a little patience and pomatum might, in time, remove this obstacle to their usefulness, and forthwith embarked on the sea of matrimony, 'fetching up' at the Ourang Outang Islands, just in the wane of the honeymoon, strong in the belief that the fate of heathen millions, long since unborn (as Mrs. Partington might say,) lay in their matrimonial hands."
XXXIX.
WHAT FOWLER SAYS.
Fowler, the phrenologist, who, probably, never saw Fanny Fern, sanctions and publishes the following from one of her friends—honest John Walter, we suspect. The reader who has perused the preceding pages can judge of its truthfulness:
"Fanny Fern is the most retiring and unobtrusive of human beings. More than any other celebrity we have ever known, she shrinks from personal display and public observation. During her residence in this city she has lived in the most perfect privacy, never going to parties or soirees, never giving such herself, refusing to enlarge her circle of friends, and finding full employment as well as satisfaction in her domestic and literary duties. She has probably received more invitations to private and public assemblies, and her acquaintance has been more frequently sought by distinguished persons, during the period of her residence here, than any other individual. To all solicitations of this kind she returns a mild but decided negative. In the hotels at which she has resided, no one, neither landlord nor guest, has ever known her as Fanny Fern. Indeed, she has an abhorrence of personal publicity, and cannot be persuaded to sacrifice any part of the comfort of an absolute incog. We cannot but approve her resolution.
"Fanny Fern is a sincerely religious woman, the member of an evangelical denomination, and a regular attendant at church. We never knew any one who believed in a belief more strongly than she in hers, or who was more deeply grieved when that belief was treated with disrespect. No one stands less in awe of conventionalities, no one is more strict on a point of honor and principle than she. She is a person who is able to do all that she is convinced she ought, and to refrain from doing all that she is sure she ought not. In strength of purpose, we know not her equal among women.