OR, HOW I KNEW THE DOCTRINE OF ENTIRE HOLINESS, AS TAUGHT BY JOHN WESLEY TO BE TRUE.
My conversion to God was as clear as the sun at noon-day; “Old things passed away and all things became new.” As I looked out the next morning upon the fields and woods, all seemed to be praising God. My soul was completely ravished with his love. I had been “translated from the kingdom of darkness to the kingdom of God’s dear Son.” I was emphatically a new creature in Christ Jesus; all the aspirations of my soul were changed. I wanted to tell everybody what the blessed Jesus had done for me; I felt like crying continually, “Behold the Lamb!” God helped me to tell the story of the cross, which kept the fire burning within—Glory to God! “As I came to Zion, songs and everlasting joy was upon my head,” and in my heart. For days
“Not a cloud did arise to darken my skies,
Or hide one moment, my Lord from my eyes.”
“And I could not believe
That I ever should grieve,
That I ever should suffer again.”
I thought that I never should have any more bad feelings; I expected to rejoice evermore. This state of things continued about three weeks; when at family prayer in the evening I was very much blessed. “Heaven came down my soul to greet, and glory crowned the mercy seat.” I was praising God with a heart overflowing with love, when suddenly my jaws closed; I wanted to continue praising God, but could not; my jaws were set together like a steel trap; they would not open. I thought it would be some relief if my wife or sister would pray. I tried to turn around to see why they did not, but could not; I was immovably fixed on my knees. I began to wonder what was the matter. The devil told me it was a paralytic stroke. I said, “Yes, I guess it is;” then darkness came upon me. I did not feel quite as well after that. The next accusation was I had got a fit of apoplexy, to which I said, “Yes, I guess I have;” then darkness spread over me afresh. He said that I was a fit subject for apoplexy, and probably I was very near my end, as they generally died with the third fit. I consented to all he said as true, and before this passed off I was feeling bad, all through ignorance and unbelief. I do not know how long I remained in this helpless condition, but when I came out I felt that I had been shocked with a heavy battery. While in this condition I was in full possession of every faculty of the mind, and remember distinctly all that occurred. I was a disbeliever in the power of the Holy Ghost to slay people, notwithstanding I had been accustomed to seeing such things from youth, but really believed it to be mesmerism or excitement. After I came out of this it occurred to me that perhaps what I had just experienced was the power of the Holy Ghost; and if so, I had done wrong. I went immediately to have the matter settled. I told my father that I wanted to be right, and if what I had just passed through was the effect of the Holy Ghost, let it come on me in the same way again. I felt it coming as before; and he that said it was a fit of apoplexy, now said, “Look out, it will kill you.” I sprang to my feet and cried to the Lord to stay his hand. It seemed to me that I could not live under the pressure, under that weight of love that God was letting down into my soul and on my body. I went to bed, but not to sleep. The accuser was after me; he told me that my duty was very plain. “Ever since God converted you, you have been continually asking Him to bless you; it has come very near killing you, and will if you continue in this way; now you must ask God not to bless you.” I very soon learned that these suggestions were from the devil; and that to be the Lord’s entire, to follow the Lamb whithersoever he would lead us, was to place ourselves in direct opposition to the mass of those that profess the religion of Jesus Christ. I began to realize that the religion of Jesus Christ was peculiar; unlike the world; and if I saved my soul, I must be peculiar. The question came with force: Are you willing to be peculiar for God? My spirit seemed to be willing, but the flesh rebelled. I thought much of my good name. Now I saw, that to be a real child of God, was to suffer and bear reproach. O, how I writhed in agony. What! to have my good name cast out as evil, to be misunderstood, considered as filth, rejected of men. Here was dying; this was painful, to bring all my powers to submit to the will of God. I thought, when I was converted that I had given all to him; but here was something that I did not see at that time. I had commenced a pilgrimage, and had no disposition to go back. I had left Sodom, and still the command was ringing in my ears, “Escape for thy life, look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain; escape to the mountain lest thou be consumed.” As the light was shining upon me, and the way, and after much wrestling in prayer, not only my will responded to the will of God, but I could say all through me—
“Lord, obediently I’ll go,
Gladly leaving all below.”