HOW TO BEHAVE AND HOW TO AMUSE.

HOW TO BEHAVE
AND HOW TO AMUSE.

A HANDY MANUAL OF
ETIQUETTE AND PARLOR GAMES.
IN TWO PARTS.
COMPILED BY
G. H. Sandison.
—————
PUBLISHED BY
THE CHRISTIAN HERALD.
Louis Klopsch, Proprietor,
BIBLE HOUSE, NEW YORK.

———————————————
Copyright 1895,
By Louis Klopsch.
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Press and Bindery of
HISTORICAL PUBLISHING CO.,
PHILADELPHIA.

PREFACE.

Etiquette has been tersely defined as “the art of doing the proper thing in the proper way.” An acquaintance with the rules of etiquette is of the greatest service to all who are brought into contact with Society, and in these days few, if any, are wholly outside of the world of social usage and convention.

In this little Manual, it is not intended to lay down, in the fullest sense, rules for the guidance of the reader in all stations of social life, but rather to furnish hints that may prove useful in dealing with those social events that are of most frequent occurrence. The etiquette of the parlor, the assembly chamber, the street, the social function, is something all should know, since to be ignorant concerning such matters is to class one’s self as uninformed on many things that go to make up the sum total of everyday life, and to know and practice which adds greatly to the pleasure of living. The well-bred man or woman is always welcomed, whereas the person who has no acquaintance with even the most ordinary social rules is quite differently regarded by the majority of people.

Nor is there any reason why an acquaintance with social usages should longer be confined, as in the past, to certain classes. The farmer’s boy, the intelligent mechanic and the humblest clerk or artisan, in these days of widely-diffused knowledge, may familiarize themselves with the customs and observances of polite society to an extent that will go far toward placing them on a level with those who would otherwise be regarded as their superiors. Refined manners are the boundary line between the ignorant and the cultured, and it is within the power of all to aspire to belong to that class of men and women whose presence is always agreeable, and who combine, in rare degree, that charm of manners and morals which is always allied with true nobility of character.

CONTENTS.

HOW TO BEHAVE.

Introductions.

Ladies who are on a social equality are introduced to each other, and so also are gentlemen. The latter, however, are always presented to ladies.

When the difference between the parties is a debatable one, it is the formal custom among many to say, “Mrs. A., this is Mrs. H.; Mrs. H., Mrs. A.”

Where a gentleman is presented to a lady by another gentleman, permission must first be secured from the lady, and afterward the presentation is made complimentary by this formula: “Mr. Mortimer desires to be presented to Mrs. or Miss Fairfax.” Or if the individual making the presentation desires the unknown parties to become acquainted for his or her own personal reasons, this form can be used: “This is Mr. Mortimer, Mrs. Fairfax. It gives me pleasure to present him to you.” The married lady, if she be glad to know Mr. Mortimer, says so frankly and thanks the presenting party, after which the latter retires. The young lady expresses a polite recognition of the gentleman presented, by bowing, smiling, and mentioning the name of the new acquaintance as a response. The expressed gratification must come from the gentleman, who will say some complimentary thing to her in regard to the ceremony.

Hand shaking is not so common as it was formerly.

In introductions generally the younger is introduced to the elder, except when a publicly admitted superiority exists. The unknown is always presented to the famous. The single lady is introduced to the married one, and the single gentleman to the married, other things being equal.

A person must conduct himself or herself, while remaining in a house on invitation, as if there were no more exalted society than that present.

To converse above the comprehension of others is an unpardonable egotism, and to try to give the impression that superior surroundings are the only ones with which you are familiar is evidence to the contrary.

Bowing and Salutations.

Bowing means recognition and nothing else, and it is the lady’s prerogative to offer this, and the gentleman’s to accept it. Between intimate friends it is immaterial which bows first, the gentleman or lady. The lady may be distant or cordial in her salutation, and the gentleman must be responsive to her manner, and claim no more attention than she offers.

If a gentleman lifts his hat and stops after a lady has recognized him, he may ask her permission to turn and accompany her for a little, or even a long distance. Under no circumstances should he stand still in the street to converse with her, or be offended if she excuse herself and pass on.

At entertainments a gentleman who is a formal acquaintance waits for the lady-guest to recognize his presence.

On entering a parlor to pay a visit, a gentleman should always carry his hat, leaving overshoes, overcoat, and umbrella in the hall if it be winter time. The lady rises to receive him, unless she is an invalid, or aged, in which case she receives him seated. If she extends her hand to him, he takes it, but does not remove his glove. He never offers his hand first. If it be a brief call, and others are present, he seldom seats himself, and takes leave very soon after another gentleman enters, the lady not extending her hand a second time. Hand-shaking is falling into disuse in ordinary visits.

A lady should never accompany a gentleman to the door of the drawing-room, much less to the vestibule, unless she entertains a special regard for him. She introduces him to no one, unless there be some reason why this formality should take place; and he talks with her other guests just as if he had met them before. No after recognition is warranted between gentlemen, or between ladies. If the parties desire to be presented to each other, the hostess should not refuse this formality if asked to perform it.

There may be cases when a gentleman may lift his hat to a lady, even though he cannot bow to her.

It not infrequently happens when gentlemen are driving, that they cannot touch their hats because too closely occupied; but a cordial bow satisfies under such circumstances. When riding in the saddle he may lift his hat, or touch its rim with his whip. Etiquette permits either style of greeting.

In passing a group of mourners at a door-way, where their dead is being carried forth, or a funeral procession in a quiet street, a gentleman should uncover his head.

A gentleman should always lift his hat when tendering a service, however slight, to a strange lady. It may be the restoration of handkerchief or fan, the receiving of her change, opening her umbrella or any other courteous act. To say “Thank you!” is not now considered necessary; it has ceased to be etiquette.

A gentleman will open a door for a strange lady, hold it open with one hand and lift his hat with the other, while she passes through. He always quickly offers her the precedence.

A gentleman who is walking in the street with a lady, touches his hat, and bows to anyone she salutes in passing. This is done in compliment to her acquaintance, who is most likely a stranger to him. If accompanying her across a drawing-room, and she bows to a friend, he inclines his head also but does not speak. He always raises his hat when he begs a lady’s pardon for an inadvertence, whether he is known to her or not.

Calls and Calling Cards.

It is a rule among the best people to call upon the stranger who is in town. If the visitor brings letters of introduction, an entree to society is easy through the usually observed forms. If strangers who have come to reside near us, or even to visit our locality, bear credentials of respectability, courteous and hospitable residents will call upon them, after sufficient time has elapsed for the recently arrived to have adjusted themselves to their new positions. No introduction is necessary in such a case. The resident ladies call between two and five o’clock, send in their own with their husbands’ or their fathers’ or brothers’ cards, and if they find the strangers disengaged, a brief and cordial interview ends the first visit. This must be returned within a week, or a note of apology and explanation for the omission is sent, and the return-visit is then paid later on. If a card be sent in return for this visit, or is left in person without an effort to see the parties who have made the first visit, it is understood that the strangers prefer solitude, or that there are reasons why they cannot receive visitors.

A gentleman should not make a first call upon the ladies of the family of a new-comer without an introduction or an invitation.

When should a lady call first on a new desirable acquaintance? She should have met the new acquaintance, should have been properly introduced, and should feel sure that her own acquaintance is desired. The oldest resident, the one most prominent in society, should call first. Good expedient for a first call is the sending out of cards, for several days in the month, by a lady who wishes to begin her social life in a new place. These may be accompanied by the card of some well-known friend, or they may go out alone. If they bring visits or cards in response, the beginner has started on her career with no loss of self-respect. First calls should be returned within a week.

After a dinner-party a guest must call in person and inquire if the hostess is at home. For other entertainments the lady can call by proxy, or simply send her card. In sending to inquire for a person’s health, cards may be sent with a courteous message. No first visit should, however, be returned by card only.

Bachelors should leave cards on the master and mistress of the house, and the young ladies. To turn down the corners of the card has become almost obsolete, except, perhaps, where a lady wishes it understood that she called in person. The plainer the card the better. A small, thin card for a gentleman, not glazed, with his name in small script and his address well engraved in the corner, is in good taste. A lady’s card should be larger, but not glazed or ornamented.

Style of Cards.

Ladies’ cards should be nearly square (about 2½ x 3 inches), of smooth-finished card-board, medium weight, pearl-white in color, and the engraving plain script.

A gentleman’s card is smaller and narrower, (about 1½ × 2¾ inches), of heavier card-board, and the engraving larger and somewhat heavier.

If the surname is short, the full name may be engraved. If the names are long, and the space does not admit of their full extension, the initials of given names may be used. The former style is preferred, when practicable. In the absence of any special title properly accompanying the name—as “Rev.,” “Dr.,” “Col.,” etc.,—“Mr.” is always prefixed. Good form requires this on an engraved card. If in any emergency a man writes his own name on a card he does not prefix “Mr.”

Omit from visiting-cards all titles that signify transient offices, or occupations not related to social life; using such titles only as indicate a rank or profession that is for life; and which has become a part of the man’s identity, or which is distinctly allied to his social conditions. Thus: the rank of an officer in the army or the navy should be indicated by title on his card. His personal card is engraved thus: “General Green”—the title in full when only the surname is used; or, “Gen. Winfield Green,” “Gen. W. S. Smith”—the title abbreviated when the given names, or their initials, are used. Officers on the retired list, and veteran officers of the late war who rose from the volunteer ranks, retain their titles by courtesy. The official cards of political officers and ambassadors, with the title and office of the man—with or without his name—should be used only on official or State occasions, and during the term of office.

Professional or business cards that bear ever so slight an advertisement of occupations are not allowable. The three “learned” professions, theology, medicine, and law, are equally “for life,” and should appear on the card. On the other hand, the callings of the clergyman and the physician respectively, are closely allied to the social side of life, closely identified with the man himself. Therefore “Rev.,” or “Dr.” may with propriety be considered as forming an inseparable compound with the name. The title is an important identifying mark, and its omission, by the clergyman, at least, is not strictly dignified.

It is not good form to use merely honorary titles on visiting-cards. In most cases, a man should lay aside all pretension to special office or rank, and appear in society simply as “Mr. John Brown.” An engraved address implies some permanency of location. Those who are liable to frequent changes of address would better omit this addition to the visiting-card, writing the address in any emergency that requires it. No messages should be written on a man’s card, and no penciling is allowed, except as above, to give (or correct) the address, or in the case of “P. P. C.” cards, sent by post.

Cards for Ladies.

A woman’s name should never appear on a visiting-card without either “Mrs.” or “Miss” prefixed. The exception would be in the case of women who have regularly graduated in theology or medicine. Such are entitled, like their brothers, to prefix “Rev.” or “Dr.” to their names.

A married woman’s card is engraved with her husband’s name, with the prefix “Mrs.” No matter how “titled” the husband may be, his titles do not appear on his wife’s visiting-card. The wife of the President is not “Mrs. President Washington,” but “Mrs. George Washington.”

A widow may, if she prefers, retain the card engraved during her husband’s lifetime, unless by so doing she confuses her identity with that of some other lady whose husband is still living. It is more strictly correct for a widow to resume her own given name, and to have her card so engraved. An unmarried woman’s card is engraved with her full name, or the initials of given names, as she prefers, but always with the prefix “Miss.” The address may be engraved or written in the lower right corner.

If a society woman has a particular day for receiving calls, that fact is announced in the lower left corner. If this is engraved, it is understood to be a fixed custom; if written, it may be a transient arrangement. If a weekly “at home” day is observed, the name of the day is engraved, as “Tuesdays.” This means that during “calling hours” on any Tuesday the hostess will be found at home. A holiday, a birthday, a wedding anniversary, or other event in a friend’s life may be remembered by sending a card, upon which is penciled “Greeting,” “Congratulations,” “Best wishes,” or some similar expression. Such cards may be sent alone, or may accompany gifts.

Any brief message may be penciled on a woman’s card, provided the message is sufficiently personal to partake of the nature of a social courtesy. But the card message should not be sent when courtesy requires a note.

In strictly formal circles a young woman, during her first year in society, pays no visits alone. She accompanies her mother or chaperon. She has no separate card, but her name is engraved, or may be written, beneath that of her mother (or chaperon) on a card employed for these joint visits. After a year or so of social experience the young woman has her separate card, subject to the general rules for ladies’ cards.

During the first year after marriage cards engraved thus: “Mr. and Mrs. James Wills Gray,” may be used by the couple in paying calls, or returning wedding civilities. Such cards are also used when jointly sending presents at any time. For general visiting, after the first year, husband and wife have separate cards.

Cards are to be left in person in the following cases: After a first hospitality, whether accepted or not; calls of condolence, and after-dinner calls by cards. In such cases, when personal card-leaving is impossible, the card is sent by a private messenger, and an explanation, or apology, sent by note. Cards of condolence may be sent by mail by friends at a distance; but not by persons residing in the near vicinity. In cases where personal card-leaving is not imperative, cards may be sent either by messenger or by mail.

Social observance allows a man to delegate the distribution of his visiting-cards to a near female relative, whenever it becomes impracticable for him to attend to the matter personally. Only the women of his own household, or a relative with whom he habitually pays visits, can thus represent him by proxy.

Men’s Dress.

Good clothes are not alone sufficient to gain one admittance to the better circles of society, but without them admittance is impossible. When we go out into the world, it is not sufficient to do as others do, we must also dress as others dress. The man is best dressed whose dress attracts least attention. One’s dress must be seasonable, appropriate, conform to the prevailing fashion, without going in the least beyond it, and appear to be comfortable.

To dress well requires sense, taste and refinement. Dress is a safe index of character, and few dress really well that would not be considered persons of culture. The golden rule is to avoid extremes. The man of sense and taste never wears anything that is “loud,” flashy, or eccentric; he yields always to fashion, but is never a slave to it.

One good suit of clothes does more service than two cheap suits. The low-priced suit never looks well, while the high-priced suit looks well to the last, if kept clean and occasionally pressed into shape.

Linen is a test of good taste. Shirts should fit well and be of good quality. Let your collars always be strictly within the fashion; cuffs should be no larger than is necessary to admit of slipping the hand through them when buttoned. Colored shirts may be worn traveling, in the country, but most men of taste prefer white. The pattern of colored shirts should be small and the color quiet. If the coat, trousers and vest of business and morning suits are not made of the same cloth, the coat and vest should be of the same goods, and darker than the trousers. Men who cannot spend much money with tailors should always select dark stuffs. A dark morning suit may be worn on many occasions where the wearing of a light suit would be in bad taste.

Single-breasted overcoats, made with a “fly,” are most worn, and most desirable. A man of taste always selects for his overcoats dark, quiet colors. His boots and shoes are made long, broad in the sole and in the shank, and with a big and only moderately high heel. Pinched toes are an abomination. The shoe that does not look comfortable never looks well. There are many women who wear shoes that distort the feet and are most uncomfortable; such shoes, however, are rarely, if ever, seen on the feet of well-bred ladies.

A man’s hat should be fashionable, and his jewelry should be good and simple. False jewelry is vulgar. A watch, to be thoroughly in good taste, should never be very large, nor very thick, nor elaborately chased, nor should it have a hunting-case unless his business or pleasure renders him liable to break a crystal, when he is out of the easy reach of a jeweler to replace it. The watch chain should always be small and the pattern plain. Indeed, the young man who wears a big elaborate chain and attaches it in one of the lower button-holes of his vest has made an egregious blunder. Watch chains that go around the neck are no longer worn. The vest chain should be attached nearly as high up as it will reach, in a button-hole. If a locket or seal is worn, it should be very plain. A man’s ring should be on the third finger of the left hand. All kinds of rings are worn by men except cluster rings; they are worn by women only. Scarf-rings and collar-buttons with settings are in doubtful taste. Diamond studs are now very little worn by men of the better sort, and they never wear them except with full evening dress. Three studs in a dress shirt are to be preferred to one. Imitation diamonds are the extreme of vulgarity.

Nowadays, with few exceptions, men wear the hair very short, and the exceptions are not found among men of taste. The most artistic and becoming cut is that that trims the hair very short on the sides and back of the head, and leaves it comparatively long on the top, for the reason that a high head is always more pleasing than a low, broad one. The “parting” should be high up—in the middle, if one chooses to put it there. Pomatums and other inventions of the barbers are no longer used. Most men look best with a full beard, if it is kept properly trimmed and is well cared for. A man with a beard that reaches down over his chest, or a moustache so long as to be in his way, is a disgusting object to look on. If a man shaves a part of the face only, he should shave that part that is most prominent. A man with a prominent chin and thin cheeks should shave his chin and let his beard grow on the sides of his face; on the other hand, a man with a retreating or a light chin and full cheeks should shave his cheeks and let his beard grow on his chin. In short, the beard should be so trimmed, if worn full, or so cut, if only a part is worn, as to give regularity to the outline of the face. Every man, no matter who he is, should learn to shave himself quickly and well. Shaving should be as much a part of the regular morning toilet as the brushing of the hair. Much depends on having a good strap and knowing how to use it.

The finger nails should be kept moderately long, and be so cut that they are a little more pointed than the upper ends of the nails are. They should not be scraped, and in cutting, care should be taken not to encroach too much on the angles.

Canes should be strong, plain, stiff, light and small. Very big canes are in very bad taste, especially for young men.

A full-dress suit consists of a swallow-tailed coat, a low, white or black single-breasted vest, black trousers, a white necktie, a stand-up collar, a high black hat, and a pair of light kid gloves. This dress should never be worn until evening, and never before the dinner hour. A white necktie should not be worn except with a full-dress suit, save by clergymen and a few elderly men who never wear any other color. Black trousers should not be worn except with a dress coat, save at funerals. A high hat should not be worn with a sack coat. A low hat should not be worn with a long coat—a double-breasted frock, for example. Dark suits are preferable for Sundays, especially in town, and light suits should never be worn to church anywhere. Double-breasted frock coats should always be black.

At small informal gatherings most men regard themselves as sufficiently dressed when they wear black frock coats and dark trousers. At public entertainments where ladies wear bonnets, the man who wears a black frock coat, dark trousers, and light kid gloves is better dressed—because more appropriately—than he that wears a full-dress suit.

No man who has any regard for the proprieties will ever appear at table, even at home, whether there are strangers present or not, or will show himself to any one with whom he is not on a familiar footing, in his shirt-sleeves.

A Young Lady’s Début.

Social custom, both here and in Europe, has fixed the time for a girl’s formal introduction to society as between the ages of seventeen and twenty. Abroad, the daughter’s début means much more than with ourselves, and the launching of a clever and prepossessing young girl into the fitful sea of social life is quite an important function.

The mother invites only suitable people to her house, where she may present her daughter to them as a member of their circle. This act conveys the information to the polite world that the young lady has been graduated in all the accomplishments and knowledge necessary as the equipment of a woman of society.

Just previous to her formal presentation or début, her mother and her elder unmarried sisters—if any—pay visits, or at least leave their own with their fathers’ and brothers’ cards, upon all acquaintances whom they intend to invite to be present at the début. Engraved invitations follow this formality, and they are issued about ten days previous to the event. If they are sent by mail, an extra outer envelope incloses all the invitations that are directed to one family. If delivered by messenger, the outer wrap is no longer used. The mail has become as suitable a method as any for conveying social messages. One envelope is directed to Mr. and Mrs. A. If there are more daughters than one, the address is, “Misses A.,” or, if preferred, “The Misses A.” Each son receives a separate invitation; it is the custom. Replies are sent in the names of the parties addressed on the envelopes. The invitation is engraved in script, or, if crest or cipher be used, it may be placed on the envelope, and is in form similar to that used for parties. Cards have been used on which the special purpose of the party is stated, with the name of the young lady who is to make her début engraved upon them; but this is seldom done, and is not considered in the best possible taste. The following is the formula if such a card is used:

MR. AND MRS. B. N. JONES
request the pleasure of presenting their
eldest [or second, etc.,] daughter,
Miss Ada Anna,
to
...............................................
on Wednesday evening, April 11, at half-past
eight o’clock.

No. 2002 Fifth Avenue.

A preferable method is simply to inclose the card of the young lady in the envelope containing the invitation.

The reply is written and forwarded directly, and corresponds in style to the invitation, in the following manner:

MR. AND MRS. E. DE PEYSTER
accept with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. B. N. Jones’
kind invitation for Wednesday evening,
April 11th.
No. 969 Irving Place. March 12th.

The young ladies use the same form, and commence their note with “The Misses Jones,” or in whatever style the invitation is sent to them. Young gentlemen follow the same custom. Intimate friends may send flowers on the day of the young girl’s first appearance, if they please; but it is not an inflexible custom.

The young lady stands at the left of the mother during the reception of guests, and is presented to her elders and to ladies. Of course, welcomes and brief congratulatory compliments are offered to her by each guest, and then place is made for the presentation of others who are arriving. When supper is announced, the brother or father escorts the young lady to the table, and the mother follows, accompanied by some honored gentleman guest. If the brother takes the young lady in, the father leads the way with the eldest or most distinguished lady of the party.

Visits of ceremony paid to the hostess following this entertainment should include this young lady, but during her first season in society she has no card of her own, and does not pay formal visits alone. If she be the eldest unwed daughter, her name is engraved as Miss Jones, beneath that of her mother. If she have elder sisters at home, her name is engraved as Miss Ada Anna Jones. During this first season she does not receive visits from gentlemen without a chaperon under any circumstances. If her mother be unable to receive with her, she politely declines a visit. After the first season, her own separate card may be left, either alone or with those of other members of her family. This formality past, she may be considered launched into the world of social intercourse.

Young gentlemen on the other hand, enter society without formality, and without much difficulty. A youth usually begins by endeavoring to assist his mother at her entertainments, and by being an escort to his sisters on informal evening visits among lady acquaintances where his agreeable traits win him a future invitation.

Dinner Parties.

Next to a wedding, there is probably no social duty that taxes to a larger extent the cleverness and originality of the mistress of a modern household than a fashionable dinner. As a preliminary step to such an event, she is careful to catalogue all the names of those to whom she desires to extend the hospitalities of her house. From all these she selects and groups those who will affect each other pleasantly. The differences in social conditions often go far toward deciding upon the groups, and the combinations of guests may be based upon mental accomplishments, or family connection. In either case the etiquette is the same.

To give a dinner in honor of some person, or “to meet” a particular party, as the invitation should explain (provided the guest be not well-known and famous), has an especial advantage in that it settles who shall, and who need not, be present. This is a simple method of disposing of our first difficulty when issuing invitations. In such a case the card of invitation should be in the usual form with the addition of an extra card as follows:

TO MEET
MR. ARTHUR MAYNE,

Of New Mexico.

thus intimating that the dinner is to be given in his honor. The regular invitation should always be given in the name of the host or hostess, thus:

Mr. and Mrs. Clarence Fitch
request the pleasure of
......................................
company at dinner,
on ..................................
at seven o’clock.

No. 94 Florida Avenue.

The custom of engraving the initials, R. S. V. P. (Answer, if you please), on the lower left-hand corner is less followed than formerly. Another and also quite proper form, when the dinner is given in honor of some distinguished person, is to issue an invitation in this style:

MR. AND MRS. CLARENCE FITCH
request the pleasure of
MR. AND MRS. ROBERT HENDERSON’S
company at dinner, on Tuesday,
January 12th, at seven o’clock, to meet the
HON. MR. AND MRS. GREGORY.

No. 94 Florida Avenue.

The form used in writing an immediate reply is as follows:

MR. AND MRS. ROBERT HENDERSON
accept with pleasure
MR. AND MRS. CLARENCE FITCH’S
invitation to dinner, at seven o’clock, Tuesday
evening, January 12.

If unable to come, the refusal should be worded in a manner expressive of disappointment. The following is the popular style:

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Henderson
regret that a previous engagement
[or illness, or an unfortunate event]
prevents the acceptance of
MR. AND MRS. CLARENCE FITCH’S
invitation for Tuesday evening, January 12.

The answer, whether affirmative or negative, should be addressed to the mistress of the house, and dispatched, if possible, within twenty-four hours of the receipt of the invitation. Having accepted an invitation, be punctual. “To be too late is a crime, and to be too early a blunder.” You should not fail to arrive within a very few minutes after the time named, say within five, or ten at most. Well-bred people, and people that dine out frequently, make a point of arriving in good time. It is not well, however, to arrive before the hour named. On entering the drawing-room, go and pay your respects to the hostess, then to the other members of the family, and finally to any acquaintances present. Do not offer your hand either to hostess, host, or to any member of the family; any offer to shake hands should come from them. On leaving, offer your hand, if you choose, to those of your entertainers that offered their hands to you when you arrived. But it is well to confine your leave-taking to the hostess and host. Do not go the rounds and take leave of the whole company individually; such a course is vulgar. If you have a lady with you, do not enter the drawing-room arm in arm nor side by side. The lady, or ladies will enter slightly in advance.

Gentlemen do not wear gloves at dinner-parties.

Dinner being announced, the hostess gives the signal to leave the drawing-room. The host or the hostess choose partners for their guests. Offer either arm to the lady. In entering at doors a gentleman takes the lead, until reaching the dining-room, when he may let the lady pass first. If there are steps, you may allow the lady to pass first, or you may go a step or two in advance. If you go down side by side, give her the side next the wall.

In the dining-room, assist the lady to be seated, and wait till the other ladies are in place before taking your seat. The host remains standing until all are seated. He also selects the places for his guests.

Sit erect and close to the table. Unfold your napkin and spread it over your lap, or over one knee, as you prefer. Before being served and during the intervals between the courses, do not toy with the knives, forks, or spoons, or with anything on the table. As soon as helped, begin to eat, but not hastily. Do not wait till your neighbors are served.

Dinners usually begin with a soup. This, you should sip from the side of the spoon, without noise. Not only soup, but everything else eaten with a spoon should be sipped from its side when practicable. The plate should never be tilted to get the last teaspoonful. If the soup is too hot, do not blow it, but wait till it cools. In eating it sit upright, and do not rest your forearms on the table.

Fish is eaten with a bit of bread in the left hand and a fork in the right. Neither soup nor fish is ever offered twice at a formal dinner.

As the fork is now used almost exclusively to convey all kinds of food that have any consistency to the mouth, it is very desirable that one should know how to use it properly. It should not be used in the left hand with the tines pointing upward. Food conveyed to the mouth with the fork in the left hand should be taken up either on the point of the tines, or on their convex side. In the right hand, the fork may be used with the tines pointing upward or downward, at will. It need hardly be said that eating with the knife is a social offence not to be overlooked.

Eat peas with a dessert spoon, and curry also. Asparagus may be handled with the fingers of the left hand; also Saratoga potatoes and olives. Green corn should be cut from the cob and then eaten with a fork. Cheese is eaten with a fork, or is placed, with a knife, on bits of bread and carried to the mouth with the thumb and finger. Pies and pâtés, as a rule, are eaten with a fork only. Sometimes it may be necessary to use a knife to divide the crust.

How to Set the Dinner Table.

There is no pleasanter sight than an artistically set dinner table just before the guests are seated and the repast is served. To set it is, indeed, an art of itself. It should first be covered with a mat of double-faced cotton flannel wide enough to fall several inches below the edge, all around. This greatly improves the appearance of the table-cloth, which can be laid much more smoothly over this soft foundation. Small table mats for the purpose of protecting the cloth are not fashionable at present. The table-cloth should fall about half way to the floor all around. For a square or extra wide table a large floral centre-piece, either round or oblong, is usually chosen, with endless varieties in its component arrangement. It may be low and flat, like a floral mat, in the middle of the table, or may be lofty. Small fringed napkins of different colors are used with a dessert of fruits. Napkin rings are discarded by many hosts. Fancy doylies of fine linen embroidered with silk are sometimes brought in with the finger-bowls; but these are not for utility, the dinner napkin doing service, while the embroidered doyly adds a dainty bit of effect to the table decoration. Good quality of chinaware and artistic glassware are also essential. Any ostentation in the use of plated ware is vulgar. But one may take a pride and satisfaction in the possession of solid silver. Every ambitious house-keeper will devise ways of securing, little by little, if not all at once, a neat collection of solid spoons and forks.

After the floral decorations and possibly a centre-piece of pond lilies or other flowers have been put in place, with fruits and bonbons to balance the flowers, and here and there at convenient points cut glass decanters of fresh sparkling water, the next step is the laying of the covers. The courses in their order are soup, fish, entrees (served on hot plates), roast (which is carved at the side table), and game (if in season). The heavy courses end, the table is swept for crumbs and dessert is brought in. Finger-bowls and doylies are brought in on the dessert-plates. Each person at once removes the bowl and doyly to make ready for whatever is to be put on the plate. Strong coffee is served last of all, in small cups, fashion directing that café noir or black French coffee be used.

The Wine Question.

The wine question is one that disturbs many a dinner-giving family. Shall wine be served or not, is a growing problem. Society has at last reached the point where it is not considered a breach of good form to serve a dinner without wine. Such a course is sanctioned by the example of many high social leaders; and when it is the result of a temperance principle it has the respect of every diner-out. No lady or gentleman will find fault with the absence of wine at his host’s table. It is good form for a host to serve or not serve wine, just as he chooses. Apollinaris can be made to take the place of stronger waters, and no embarrassment follow. The hostess who simply does not offer wine to any guest under any circumstances, is using her influence effectively and courageously in the cause of temperance and in support of Christian principles.

Notes for Diners.

At a dinner served in courses, it is better, as a rule, not to take a second supply of anything. It might delay the dinner.

Bread should be broken, not cut in small pieces. To butter a large piece of bread and then bite it, as children do, is something the well-bred never do.

In eating game or poultry do not touch the bones with your fingers.

Never gesticulate with your knife or fork in your hand, nor hold them pointing upward, keep them down on your plate.

A gentleman wears a dress suit at dinner. A lady wears a handsome gown, “dinner dress” being “full dress;” differing, however, from the evening party or reception gown in the kind of fabrics used.

Gloves are removed by both ladies and gentlemen, after being seated at the table, and they need not be replaced again during the evening.

Never load up your fork with food until you are ready to convey it to your mouth.

Never send your knife and fork, or either of them, on your plate when you send for a second supply. Do not hold them meanwhile in your hand, but lay them down, with something under them—a piece of bread, for example—to protect the table-cloth.

Don’t use a steel knife to cut fruit if there is a silver one.

Don’t hold your elbows out; keep them close to your sides.

When you eat fruit that has a pit or a skin that is not to be swallowed, the pit and skin must be removed from the mouth with the fingers of the left hand, or with a spoon or fork in the right.

Tea, coffee, chocolate, etc., are drunk from the cup and never from the saucer. Never blow your tea or coffee; wait till it cools.

Don’t tip your chair, nor lounge back in it, nor hitch up your sleeves, nor call “Waiter!” nor try to talk with a full mouth, nor masticate so loudly that others can hear you, nor lay bones or bits of fruit on the table-cloth, nor pick your teeth at table. If you must do the last-mentioned, do it unobserved, if possible. Should you unfortunately overturn or break anything, make no apology, but let your regret appear in your face. Never fold your napkin where you are invited for one meal only, but lay it loosely on the table. When the ladies withdraw from the table, the gentlemen rise. Remain in the drawing-room at least half an hour after dinner before bidding host and hostess good-by.

Breakfasts, Luncheons, Teas and Suppers.

These, and all similar entertainments of the “At Home” order, are much less formal than the dinner event. The breakfast invitation should read in the customary form, and at the right hand lower corner the words:

“Breakfast at ten o’clock,
March 15.”

This breakfast should not be elaborate, but dainty in its food and appointments. The best of everything, prepared in the choicest of styles, but nothing heavy, nor excessive in quantity, should be prepared. Walking costumes are worn by both gentlemen and ladies, also visiting-gloves, which are removed at table. The descent from the dressing-room and greetings between the hostess and guest are just the same as at a dinner-party.

Suppers are usually gentlemen parties; and from nine to ten o’clock is the usual time for them to be served. There are game suppers, fish suppers, and several other kinds of suppers, each one of which differs in the appropriate supplies for the table. But the formalities of the occasion, or, rather, the informalities, are all of the same kind. The invitations may be made at interviews, by friendly notes, or by the host’s visiting-card, with this, written upon it:

SUPPER AT TEN O’CLOCK,
Thursday, September 16.

If it is a fish supper, only little food except that which once lived in the water is provided; salads and fruits, without a sweet dessert, complete it, with the addition of coffee.

It was surely a gracious social benefactor who introduced the afternoon reception which, between the hours of four and six, summons a host of friends to cross one’s threshold and meet informally, over a social cup of tea, each group giving place to others, none crowding, all at ease, every one accorded a gracious welcome from the hostess, who thus has tacitly placed each guest on her evening list for the season. The afternoon reception is much the same, whether it be a tea merely, or a musicale, or a literary occasion. Conversation and the chat of society, the greeting of friends, the tea and its pleasant accessories, fill a half-hour or so very pleasantly. When a musicale is given, it is usually in honor of some favorite amateur, a pianist, singer or reader. Under such conditions the invitation cards should be a little more explicit, and may state “Music at 4,” or whatever the feature of the reception or sociable may be. Tea is served in the same room, when the guests are few, and in another room if the reception be crowded. Usually a single table is set, with coffee or chocolate at one end, and tea at the other, served by young ladies. To be invited to preside at the coffee-urn, or tea-kettle, is accounted a high compliment. The refreshments may be very thin slices of bread and butter, or wafers, or similar trifles; but if the occasion approaches the nature of a formal reception a more elaborate preparation is made, and bouillon, oysters, salads, ice-cream and cakes, delicate rolls and bonbons may be offered.

Luncheons.

These are not as popular here as abroad, and the informal lunch is not yet fully appreciated in this country. In rural districts it is called early dinner, or ladies’ dinner; in the city, when the gentlemen are all down town, it becomes the elaborate ladies’ lunch. The invitations to luncheon are similar to those of a tea or reception, but the affair itself is even less formal. All the dishes should be light. Broiled fish, broiled chicken, broiled ham, broiled steaks and chops, are always satisfactory. The house-keeper living near the sea has an ample store to choose from. The fresh fish, the roast clams, etc., take the place of the deviled kidneys and broiled bones of the winter; but every housewife should study the markets of her neighborhood.

The Kettle-Drum.

This is simply a reception under another name, which is given to signify that the entertainment is not so pretentious as a formal reception. The name “kettle-drum” signifies to a metropolitan resident, a light entertainment, with demi-toilette for both ladies and gentlemen. Sometimes a tiny drum is beaten at intervals in the vicinity of the tea-table, where a lady of the household or a friend presides. Sometimes a young lady, costumed prettily as a vivandiere sits or stands by the tea-urn as its presiding genius; but these picturesque additions to an ordinary afternoon reception are not to be considered in the light of customs, but simply as pretty caprices, calculated to give vivacity to the entertainment, which any lady may adopt. Not a few leaders in society choose the “kettle-drum” because they dislike general gatherings, or are too absorbed to assist in entertaining evening guests. It is simply an “at home” in the daytime, or a social matinée.

“High Teas.”

The “High Tea,” as its name indicates, is a more formal and pretentious entertainment than the ordinary afternoon tea. Special cards are engraved, and if any special entertainment is provided, the fact may be indicated by the words, “Music,” or “Miscellaneous Program” (when readings and music are interspersed). Or, the announcement may be omitted, and the program furnish a pleasant surprise for the guests.

The card for a “musicale” or similar occasion, is simply engraved:

Mrs. John Jerolomon
at home
Friday, October 11, from
four to seven o’clock.

1269 Seventeenth Street.

For a party or reception given in honor of another, the invitations should be engraved with a blank space left for the name of the invited guest; or, the form may be filled out, and the name of the guest appear on the envelope only. It may read:

Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Wylie
request the pleasure of
.................................’s
company on Tuesday evening, June sixth,
at nine o’clock,
to meet
HON. W. W. BRACE.
R. S. V. P. 64 Lark Street.

or, the wording may be “request the pleasure of your company,” etc. The same form of invitation can be adapted to almost any reception, party or other social entertainment, with such variations as suit the circumstances. If a series of receptions are to be given, the lower line on the left of the card may be simply:

Wednesdays in December,
from three to seven o’clock.

Dancing.

There is no phase of social life that contains so much of hidden peril as that which relates to dancing. Of itself, there is nothing sinful in dancing; but its associations and temptations, and the tendencies of modern dancing to frivolity, unhealthful dissipation and immorality are so obvious as to need no enumeration here. It is a positive detriment to the spiritual growth of young men and women, and is prolific of promiscuous acquaintanceships that cannot be claimed to be safe or desirable for any young person having a serious object in life. The ball-room has to many thousands proved the first step to perdition.

Of dancing, the Rev. Dr. Talmage has said:

“It is the graceful motion of the body adjusted by art to the sound and measures of musical instrument or of the human voice. All nations have danced. The ancients thought that Castor and Pollux taught the art to the Lacedæmonians. But whoever started it, all climes have adopted it. In ancient times they had the festal dance, the military dance, the mediatorial dance, the bacchanalian dance, and queens and lords swayed to and fro in the gardens, and the rough backwoodsman with this exercise awakened the echo of the forest. There is something in the sound of lively music to evoke the movement of the hand and foot, whether cultured or uncultured. Passing down the street we unconsciously keep step to the sound of the brass band, while the Christian in church with his foot beats time while his soul rises upon some great harmony. While this is so in civilized lands, the red men of the forest have their scalp dances, their green-corn dances, their war dances.

“The exercise was so utterly and completely depraved in ancient times that the church anathematized it. The old Christian fathers expressed themselves most vehemently against it. St. Chrysostom says: ‘The feet were not given for dancing but to walk modestly, not to leap impudently like camels.’ One of the dogmas of the ancient church reads: ‘A dance is the devil’s possession, and he that entereth into a dance entereth into his possession. As many paces as a man makes in dancing, so many paces does he make to hell.’ Elsewhere the old dogmas declared this: ‘The woman that singeth in the dance is the princess of the devil, and those that answer are her clerks, and the beholders are his friends, and the music is his bellows, and the fiddlers are the ministers of the devil. For as when hogs are strayed, if the hogsherd call one all assemble together, so when the devil calleth one woman to sing in the dance, or to play on some musical instrument, presently all the dancers gather together.’ This indiscriminate and universal denunciation of the exercise came from the fact that it was utterly and completely depraved.

“How many people in America have stepped from the ball-room into the graveyard! Consumptions and swift neuralgias are close on their track. Amid many of the glittering scenes of social life in America diseases stand right and left and balance and chain. The breath of the sepulchre floats up through the perfume, and the froth of Death’s lip bubbles up in the champagne.

“It is the anniversary of Herod’s birthday. The palace is lighted. The highways leading thereto are all ablaze with the pomp of invited guests. Lords, captains, merchant princes, the mighty men of the land, are coming to mingle in the festivities. The table is spread with all the luxuries that royal purveyors can gather. The guests, white-robed and anointed and perfumed, come in and sit at the table. Music! The jests evoke roars of laughter. Riddles are propounded. Repartee is indulged. Toasts are drank. The brain is befogged. The wit rolls on into uproar and blasphemy. They are not satisfied yet. Turn on more light. Pour out more wine. Music! Sound all the trumpets. Clear the floor for a dance. Bring in Salome, the beautiful and accomplished princess. The door opens, and in bounds the dancer. The lords are enchanted. Stand back and make room for the brilliant gyrations. These men never saw such ‘poetry of motion.’ Their souls whirl in the reel and bound with the bounding feet. Herod forgets crown and throne and everything but the fascinations of Salome. All the magnificence of his realm is as nothing now compared with the splendor that whirls on tiptoe before him. His body sways from side to side, corresponding with the motions of the enchantress. His soul is thrilled with the pulsations of the feet and bewitched with the taking postures and attitudes more and more amazing. After awhile he sits in enchanted silence looking at the flashing, leaping, bounding beauty, and as the dance closes and the tinkling cymbals cease to clap and the thunders of applause that shook the palace begin to abate, the enchanted monarch swears to the princely performer: ‘Whatsoever thou shalt ask of me I will give it thee, to the half of my kingdom.’ At the instigation of her mother, Salome takes advantage of the extravagant promise of the king and says, ‘Bring me the head of John the Baptist on a dinner plate.’ Hark to the sound of feet outside the door and the clatter of swords. The executioners are returning from their awful errand. Open the door. They enter, and they present the platter to Salome. What is on this platter? A new glass of wine to continue the uproarious merriment? No. Something redder and costlier—the ghastly, bleeding head of John the Baptist, the death glare still in the eye, the locks dabbled with the gore, the features still distressed with the last agony. This woman, who had whirled so gracefully in the dance, bends over the awful burden without a shudder.

“In my parish of Philadelphia there was a young woman brilliant as a spring morning. She gave her life to the world. She would come to religious meetings and under conviction would for a little while begin to pray, and then would rush off again into the discipleship of the world. She had all the world could offer of brilliant social position. One day a flushed and excited messenger asked me to hasten to her house for she was dying. I entered the room. There were the physicians, there was the mother, there lay this disciple of the world. I asked her some questions in regard to the soul. She made no answer. I knelt down to pray. I rose again, and desiring to get some expression in regard to her eternal interests, I said: ‘Have you any hope?’ and then for the first her lips moved in a whisper as she said: ‘No hope!’ Then she died. The world, she served it, and the world helped her not in the last.

“With many life is a masquerade ball, and as at such entertainments gentlemen and ladies put on the garb of kings and queens or mountebanks or clowns and at the close put off the disguise, so a great many pass their whole life in a mask, taking off the mask at death. While the masquerade ball of life goes on, they trip merrily over the floor, gemmed hand is stretched to gemmed hand, gleaming brow bends to gleaming brow. On with the dance! Flush and rustle and laughter of immeasurable merry-making. But after awhile the languor of death comes on the limbs and blurs the eye-sight. Lights lower. Floor hollow with sepulchral echo. Music saddened into a wail. Lights lower. Now the maskers are only seen in the dim light. Now the fragrance of the flowers is like the sickening odor that comes from garlands that have lain long in the vaults of cemeteries. Lights lower. Mists gather in the room. Glasses shake as though quaked by sullen thunder. Sigh caught in the curtain. Scarf drops from the shoulder of beauty a shroud. Lights lower. Over the slippery boards in dance of death glide jealousies, envies, revenges, lust, despair, and death. Stench of lamp-wicks almost extinguished. Torn garlands will not half cover the ulcerated feet. Choking damps. Chilliness. Feet still. Hands closed. Voices hushed. Eyes shut. Lights out.”

The dance must be classed with the wine-cup as the insidious enemy of a pure, upright, wholesome society. Pleasant and fascinating at first, it lures its victims to sacrifice after sacrifice until the end is reached. No man or woman was ever benefited morally, intellectually or physically by the dance; thousands and tens of thousands have found it their bane, and date their ruin from the first step they danced to the music across the floor of a lighted ball-room.

Wedding Etiquette.

Invitations.

Socially considered, marriage is the most important and imposing of all functions. It gives opportunity for the greatest display, the most elegant toilets, and the most lavish and superb manner of entertainment. Yet singularly enough, the etiquette of weddings is probably more variable and subject to innovation than that of any other event in the social calendar. At no two grand weddings is the etiquette precisely the same.

Wedding invitations according to present custom are consigned to the post from two to three weeks preceding the date of the event. Those sent to friends and relatives abroad are sent quite three weeks earlier. A representative invitation is given below:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles F. Browne
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter,
EVA MADGE,
to
MR. SAMUEL MARTIN HOPE,
on Wednesday, June the twenty-first,
at twelve o’clock, in
The Church of the Pilgrims.

This is engraved in round-hand script, without flourish and with little shading, and a tendency toward the medium and the small in size. The lines are rather close together, allowing considerable margin at top and bottom of the note. The paper most preferred has a white dull kid and parchment finish, in size between octavo and billet. When folded it fits an envelope that is almost square and which offers a choice of either a pointed or square flap. In town the pointed flap is considered the proper thing while the country favors the square one. The envelope inclosing the note is without gum and of the same weight as the inclosure, while the outer one, intended as a carrier only, is of lighter quality and gummed for sealing.

Wedding invitations require no answer. But people living at a distance, who cannot attend the wedding, should send their cards by mail, to assure the hosts that the invitation has been received.

The usual form of invitation for a wedding reception is as follows:

At Home
After the Ceremony,
7 East Market Street—

This is enclosed, with the cards of the young bride and of her intended husband, to the favored ones only.

People with a large acquaintance cannot always invite all their friends to a wedding reception, and therefore invite all to the church. Sometimes people who are to give a small wedding at home request an answer to the wedding invitation; in that case, of course, an answer should be sent, and people should be very careful not to ignore these flattering invitations. Any carelessness is inexcusable when so important an event is in view. Bridesmaids, if prevented by illness or sudden bereavement from officiating, should notify the bride as soon as possible, as it is a difficult thing after a bridal program is arranged to reorganize it.

Church Weddings.

We have gradually adopted feature by feature of the English style of wedding in America until to-day the general order followed in both countries may be said, in all essential particulars, to be identical. The bridegroom is dressed in a frock-coat and light trousers of any good pattern; in other words, he wears a formal morning dress, drives to the church with his best man, and awaits the arrival of the bride in the vestry-room. He may wear gloves or not as he chooses. The best man is the intimate friend, sometimes the brother, of the groom. He accompanies him to the church, follows him to the altar, stands at his right hand a little behind him, and holds his hat during the marriage-service. After that is ended he pays the minister’s fee, accompanies the bridal party home, being in a coupé by himself, and assists the ushers to introduce friends to the newly wedded pair.

The bridegroom is allowed to make what presents he pleases to the bride, and to send some gift, such as a fan, locket, ring or bouquet, to the bridesmaids; he also buys the wedding-ring, and, of course, sends a bouquet to the bride; but he is not to furnish cards or carriages or the wedding breakfast; that is done by the bride’s family. In England the groom is expected to drive the bride away in his own carriage, but in America this custom is not often followed. The bride, beautifully dressed usually in white satin, with point lace veil and orange blossoms, is driven to the church in a carriage with her father, who gives her away. Her mother and other relatives precede her and take front seats; her bridesmaids should also precede her, and await her in the chancel. The ushers then form the procession with which almost all city weddings are begun. The ushers first, two and two; then the bridesmaids, two and two; then some pretty children—bridesmaids under ten; and then the bride, leaning on her father’s right arm. Sometimes the child bridesmaids precede the others. As the procession reaches the lowest altar step the ushers break ranks and go to the right and left and the bridesmaids also go to right and left, leaving a space for the bridal pair. As the bride reaches the lowest step the bridegroom advances, takes her by the right hand, and conducts her to the altar, where both kneel. The clergyman signifies to them when to rise, and then proceeds with the ceremony. The bridal pair walk down the aisle arm-in-arm, and are conducted to the carriage and driven home, the rest following. In some cases, a bridal register is signed in the vestry.

Formerly brides removed the whole of the left glove; now they neatly cut the finger out of the glove, so that they can remove that without pulling off the whole glove for the ring.

In a marriage at home, the bridesmaids and best man are usually dispensed with. The clergyman enters and faces the company, the bridal pair follow and face him. After the ceremony the clergyman retires, and the wedded pair receive congratulations.

Wedding Breakfasts.

The English fashion of a wedding breakfast is not common here yet, but it is well to describe the proper etiquette. The gentlemen and ladies invited should be notified a fortnight in advance, and should accept or decline immediately, as it has all the formality of a dinner. On arriving at the house the gentlemen leave their hats in the hall, but ladies do not remove their bonnets. After greeting the bride and groom and the father and mother, the company talk together until breakfast is announced. Then the bride and groom go first, followed by bride’s father with groom’s mother, then groom’s father with bride’s mother, then best man with first bridesmaid, then bridesmaids with attendant gentlemen, and then the other invited guests, as the bride’s mother arranges. Coffee and tea are not usually offered, but bouillon, salads, birds, oysters, and other hot and cold dishes, ices, jellies, etc., are served at this breakfast, and finally the wedding-cake is set before the bride, who cuts a slice.

“Stand-up” breakfasts are far more commonly served, as the French say, en buffet. More guests can come and it is far less trouble to serve a collation to a number of people standing about than to furnish what is really a dinner to a number sitting down.

Home Weddings and Private Weddings.

If the marriage is to be solemnized at home, the date follows the names in succession, and the place of residence is given last. The invitation may vary, “the wedding reception of their daughter,” etc. Or, accompanying the church wedding invitation may be a square card bearing the lines: “Reception from half-past seven until nine o’clock,” with place of residence on the line below.

If the ceremony is private, the immediate family and chosen friends are invited verbally. It is then optional whether or not a formal announcement shall be made to a wider circle of friends by sending out engraved cards the day after the ceremony. These are, like the invitations, printed on note sheets. The private wedding and after announcement is often the most suitable method when a bride is comparatively alone in the world, or has no near relatives. In such a case the announcement is worded: “Mr. Walter Edward Brown and Miss Anna Childers Wilson married; Wednesday, October twentieth, 619 Grace St.” If no other place is given this is understood to be the place where to address cards of congratulation. If the young couple are to receive later, in a new home, that address, with date of the “at home,” is also given, thus, “At home, after November fifteenth, 6417 Ocean Ave.” If the change of residence is to another town, the name of the town is also given.

Wedding Gifts and Other Gifts.

There are probably few matters that are the occasion of more troublesome study and vexation of spirit than the selection of wedding presents. They should in all cases be chosen with due reference to the circumstances of the bride. For the daughter of wealthy parents, who marries a man of large means, rare and costly articles are suitable wedding gifts. For a bride who is going to housekeeping on a moderate income, articles that are useful as well as beautiful are appropriate. A handsome chair, a china cabinet, or some china to put in it, a few standard books, fine table linen, or one of the many other things within the range of house-furnishing are acceptable.

Presents devised and made by the ingenuity and labor of the giver—hand-painted screens or china, embroidered work, or a painting or etching—are specially complimentary gifts.

A man should not make valuable presents to a lady outside of his own family, unless she is very much his senior, and a friend of long standing. A lady should not accept valuable gifts from a gentleman unless his relationship to her warrants it. Trifling tokens of friendship or gallantry—a book, a bouquet, or a basket of bonbons—are not amiss; but a lady should not be under obligation to a man for presents that plainly represent a considerable money value. When a gift is accepted, the recipient should not make too obvious haste to return the compliment, lest he or she seem unwilling to rest under obligation.

To refuse all trifling favors is regarded as rudeness. It is often the greatest wisdom as well as kindness, to allow some one to do us a favor.

When some well-meaning person innocently offers a gift that strict conventionality would forbid one to accept, it is sometimes better to suspend the rules and accept the token, than to hurt the feelings by refusal.

Gifts of flowers to the convalescent are among the graceful expressions of courteous interest. Even a total stranger may send these, without offending.

Wedding gifts may be sent at any time within two months before the wedding. All who send gifts should be asked to the wedding and reception.

Wedding Anniversaries.

It is becoming more and more the custom, both in town and country, to celebrate wedding anniversaries. These occasions, however, with a few exceptions, are usually confined to the exchange of gifts and expression of good-will by members of the immediate family. But when a number of years have passed, a married pair, whose wedded lives have been harmonious, begin to look forward to the approach of an anniversary which can be celebrated by a much wider circle. The marriage anniversary which falls after five years is sometimes called “a wooden wedding;” after ten years, “tin;” after twenty, “crystal;” at twenty-five, “silver;” at fifty, a “golden anniversary;” and at seventy-five the “diamond wedding” occurs.

So general has been the custom, in the past, of making these anniversaries occasions for the making of gifts of all descriptions that self-respecting families have at last drawn the line at this practice and engraved upon their anniversary invitation cards: “No gifts received.” Still some old friends will take the liberty sometimes of disregarding the engraved injunction, just as such valued individuals indulge themselves in familiarities with the rules that usually govern one’s private social affairs. But if remoter relatives or mere society acquaintances send a gift other than flowers or a book, after being requested to restrict their generosity, they need not be surprised if the act be considered an impertinence, and resented accordingly.

The prevailing style of cards of invitation to an anniversary party or reception is the same as to any ordinary entertainment. A wedding-bell, or a horse-shoe of white flowers, with the date of the marriage wrought into it with colored blossoms, or a bride’s loaf dated in sugar and placed upon a separate table, informs the guests of the reason for rejoicing. Here is the correct form of invitation card for such occasions:

Mr. and Mrs. Alexander J. Marshall
request the pleasure of your presence
on Tuesday evening, January eleventh, at
eight o’clock, to celebrate the
twenty-fifth anniversary of their marriage.

No. 47 Rylance Street.

No gifts received.

It is customary for the host and hostess to secure as many guests as possible from among those who were present at their wedding. The clergyman who performed the ceremony is bidden, and, if possible, the wedding-garments are again worn.

Other interesting formalities are added, making the occasion impressive, without being oppressive. Near kinspeople offer congratulations first, when other guests follow after the manner of a wedding reception. When a formal supper is provided, the host and hostess lead together upon this peculiar occasion, and the guests follow in convenient order, as at an ordinary party. The supper may be in buffet style, if preferred.

Notes About Weddings.

When a honeymoon follows, the old customs are still maintained. The father, mother and intimate friends kiss the bride, and, as the happy pair drive off, a shower of satin slippers and rice follows them. If one slipper alights on the top of the carriage, luck is assured to them forever.

Many brides nowadays prefer to be married in traveling dress and hat, and leave immediately without congratulations.

Wedding-cake is no longer sent about. It is neatly packed in boxes; each guest takes one, if she likes, on leaving the house.

Wedding-favors of white ribbon and artificial flowers are used in England, but not to any great extent in America. Here the groom wears a boutonnière of natural flowers.

A widow should never be accompanied by bridesmaids, or wear a veil or orange-blossoms. She should wear a colored silk and a bonnet, and be attended by her father, brother or some near friend. It is proper for her to remove her first wedding-ring, as the wearing of that cannot but be painful to the bridegroom. If married at home, she may wear a light silk and be bonnetless.

It is an exploded idea that of allowing every one to kiss the bride. Only near relatives have this privilege.

Wedding tours are no longer considered obligatory nor is the seclusion of the honeymoon demanded by fashionable society.

New Year’s Day Calls.

The old-time habit of serving wines and liquors at these gatherings has, happily, almost died out, in good society. Those who entertain elaborately upon New Year’s Day sometimes send out cards of invitation in the name of the hostess. They are handsomely engraved, and enclosed in a single envelope. If a daughter or daughters receive with her, “Miss Blank or Misses Blank” is engraved beneath her own name. If other ladies than her daughters also receive with her, their visiting-card may be enclosed in the same envelope with the hostess’ invitation. Should the lady-guest invite her own personal friends to meet her at the residence of her hostess for this day, she writes the number of her residence where she is to receive on New Year’s upon her own card, adding the receiving hours in ink, and she incloses the visiting-card of her hostess.

The invitation of the hostess is engraved in the following form:

Mrs. Wilmer Ralston
AT HOME,
January first, from one until ten o’clock.
No. 679 Little Silver Street.

All the ladies are in full toilets, and the house is lighted as if it were evening. A table is spread, as if for an ordinary reception or party, in the back parlor or dining-room. A servant opens the street-door and the gentlemen leave their cards in the hall. They enter the drawing-room with hat in hand, or they may leave it in the hall with overcoat and cane. Ladies in full costume require the atmosphere of their drawing-rooms to be kept comfortably warm. They rise to receive their guests. The hostess offers her hand to the guest when he enters, and, after an exchange of compliments he is presented to her lady friends. After partaking of refreshments, which consist of oysters, tea, coffee, chocolate, bouillon or lemonade, with cake and cold meats, boned turkey, etc., he may retire soon from the house without interrupting his hostess, provided she be occupied with later visitors. He need only bow to each lady as he passes out.

Ladies who receive New Year’s callers less formally may write “January 1” upon their visiting-cards and send them to such of their gentlemen acquaintances as they may like to see. They need not provide an elaborate repast. They may wear a visiting costume with light gloves, but they need not turn on the gas, because informal receptions are held in daylight. If they do not mention upon their cards the hours for receiving, it is etiquette for a gentleman to call at any time between twelve m. and ten o’clock p. m. The formalities between hostess and guest are the same as if the reception were held in grand toilet.

Gentlemen who cannot call enclose their visiting-cards in envelopes, and send them by messengers on the morning of New Year’s, or by mail the day before. Others drive from door to door and leave their cards, the right-hand side folded over to signify that they delivered the card in person. A gentleman leaves as many cards as there are ladies who are old enough to receive visitors.

Gentlemen should wear a morning costume of dark coat and vest, with lighter pantaloons, when they pay New Year’s calls. It is not uncommon to see dress-suits, but they are never strictly correct until evening. Gloves, while light in tint, should never be white. Medium tints in scarfs and gloves are in taste upon these occasions.

Christenings and Birthdays.

There are occasions when family and friendly reunions of the pleasantest character may be enjoyed. Christening ceremonials among our superior citizens are becoming more and more beautiful each year in New York. The formality which is most in favor is the giving of a reception; the hours are fixed from three or four o’clock until six p. m. It is equally proper to write the invitations, or to order them engraved in script.

The engraved form is scarcely varied from the following:

Mr. and Mrs. William Ashton
request the honor of your presence at the
Christening Ceremony
of their son [or daughter] at five o’clock,
Thursday, December sixth.
Reception from four to six o’clock.

No. 1624 W. Eleventh Street.

This card calls for an early response.

At these parties, flowers ornament the house tastefully. The guests all arrive in reception or visiting toilets, before five o’clock, and meet the host and hostess just as they would at any reception.

There may be a band of music, or a pianist and a quartette of singers, to entertain the guests.

Sometimes professional musicians are employed. A temporary font is arranged in a prominent place in the room, and on a small round table is placed a silver goblet or bowl, or one of crystal. The edge of the pedestal is often hung with trailing flowers.

The child is brought to the parents, who stand by the font, and the sponsors join them. If it be a girl, its selected guardians are usually two young ladies, who are dressed in white and who arrange themselves one at each side of the father and mother, and a hymn or chant is sung. The clergyman performs the rite according to the formalities of his own established church; more music follows, and then a benediction. Directly after this, congratulations are offered to the father and mother, and the child is admired and shortly afterward removed.

Refreshments are offered as at any afternoon entertainment.

Children’s birthdays are celebrated more and more after the customs of Europeans. A little feast is made for the child, to which its companions are invited, but the invitations seldom extend beyond a number that may be seated at table. The feast is dainty but not rich, and with a pretty cake in which may be placed as many toy wax-candles as there are years in the age of the young host. They are already lighted when the young people enter the room. Plays follow the supper. Guests are not expected to make presents.

Among the elders of a family the yearly return of the birthday is seldom celebrated except by his or her own kinspeople. The twenty-first birthday of a young man is often made an occasion for a dinner, or a party, but a lady’s age is not thus publicly celebrated. When the lady or gentleman becomes very old, delightful attentions are often bestowed upon them by their young friends, and by the companions of their youth. Flowers, letters of congratulation, cards of inquiry and respect, gifts that will interest, breakfast or dinner parties, and receptions, are considered proper for such celebrations.

Mourning Etiquette.

Death comes to all alike and custom has long established a conventional observance in dealing with the presence of death, in our own homes or elsewhere. In our own country black is worn as the typical attire of sorrow, and it has come to be regarded as a token of respect to the lost one. It is now decreed that crape shall only be worn six months, even for the nearest relative, and that the duration of mourning shall not exceed a year. A wife’s mourning for her husband is the most conventionally deep mourning allowed. Bombazine and crape, a widow’s cap, and a long, thick veil—such is the modern English idea. Some widows even have the cap made of black crêpe lisse, but it is generally of white. In this country a widow’s first mourning dresses are covered almost entirely with crape. There are now, however, other and pleasanter fabrics which also bear the dead black, lustreless look which is alone considered respectful to the dead, and which are not so costly as crape or so disagreeable to wear. The Henrietta cloth and imperial serges are chosen for heavy winter dresses, while for those of less weight are tamise cloth, Bayonnaise, grenadine, nuns’ veiling, and the American silk.

Mourning is expensive, and often costs a family more than they can well afford; but it is a sacrifice that all gladly make. Many consider it an act of disrespect to the memory of the dead if the living are not clad in gloomy black.

Widows wear deep mourning, consisting of woolen stuffs and crape, for about two years, and sometimes by choice for life. Children wear the same for parents for one year, and then lighten it with black silk, trimmed with crape. Half mourning gradations of gray, purple, or lilac have been abandoned, and, instead, combinations of black and white are used. Complimentary mourning is black silk without crape. The French have three grades of mourning—deep, ordinary, and half mourning. In deep mourning, woolen cloths only are worn; in ordinary mourning, silk and woolen; in half mourning, gray and violet. In France, etiquette prescribes mourning for a husband—six months of deep mourning, six of ordinary, and six weeks of half mourning. For a wife, a father, or a mother, six months—three deep and three half mourning; for a grandparent, two months and a half of slight mourning; for a brother or a sister, two months, one of which is in deep mourning; for an uncle or an aunt, three weeks of ordinary black. Here, ladies have been known to go into deepest mourning for their own relatives or those of their husbands, or for people, perhaps, whom they have never seen, and have remained for seven or ten years, constantly in black; then, on losing a child or a relative dearly loved, they have no extremity of dress left to express the real grief. Complimentary mourning should be limited to two or three weeks.

The duration of a mourner’s retirement from the world has been much shortened of late. For one year no formal visiting is undertaken, nor any gayety. Black is often worn for a husband or wife two years, for parents one year, and for brothers and sisters one year; a heavy black is lightened after that period. Ladies are beginning to wear a small black gauze veil over the face, and are in the habit of throwing the heavy crape veil back over the hat. It is also proper to wear a quiet black dress when going to a funeral, although not absolutely necessary. Friends may call on the bereaved family within a month, not expecting, of course to see them. Kind notes expressing sympathy are welcome from intimate friends; and flowers, or any similar testimonial of sympathy, are thoughtful and appropriate.

Cards and note-paper are put in mourning, but very broad borders of black are in bad taste. A narrow border of black is correct. The use of handkerchiefs with a two-inch square of white cambric and a four-inch border of black is to be deprecated.

Mourning which soldiers, sailors, and courtiers wear is pathetic and effective. A flag draped with crape, a gray cadet-sleeve with a black band, or a piece of crape about the left arm of a senator, a black weed on a hat, are in proper taste.

For light mourning, jet is used on silk, and makes a handsome dress.

Elegant dresses are made with jet embroidery on soft French crape, but lace is never “mourning.” During half mourning, however, black lace may be worn on white silk; but this is questionable. Diamond ornaments set in black enamel are allowed even in the deepest mourning, and also pearls set in black. Gold is never worn in mourning.

The Swedish kid glove is now much more in use for mourning, and the silk glove is made with such neatness and with such a number of buttons that it is equally stylish, and much cooler and more agreeable. Mourning bonnets are worn rather larger than ordinary bonnets.

People of sense, of course, manage to dress without going to extremities in either direction. Exaggeration is to be deprecated in mourning as in everything. The discarding of mourning should be effected by slow stages. It shocks persons of good taste to see a widow change into colors hurriedly. If black is to be dispensed with, let its retirement be slowly and gracefully marked by quiet costumes, as the grief, yielding to time, is giving way to resignation and cheerfulness.

Before a funeral the ladies of a family see no one but the most intimate friends. The gentlemen, of course, see the clergyman and officials who manage the ceremony. It is now the almost universal practice to carry the remains to a church, where the friends of the family can pay the last tribute of respect without crowding into a private house. Pall-bearers are invited by note, and assemble at the house. They, accompanying the remains, after the ceremonies at the church, to their final resting-place. The nearest lady friends seldom go to the church or to the grave. This is, however, entirely a matter of feeling, and they can go if they wish. After the funeral only the members of the family return to the house. It is not expected that a bereaved wife or mother will see any one other than the members of her family for several weeks.

All the preparations for a funeral in the house are committed to the care of an undertaker, who removes the furniture from the drawing-room, filling all the space possible with camp-stools. The clergyman reads the service at the head of the coffin, the relatives being grouped around. The body, if not disfigured by disease, is often dressed in the clothes worn in life, and laid in an open casket, as if reposing on a sofa, and all friends are asked to take a last look. The body of a man is usually dressed in black.

The custom of decorating the coffin with flowers is beautiful, but has been overdone, and now the request is frequently made that no flowers be sent.

No one in mourning for a parent, child, brother, or husband, is expected to be seen at a concert, a dinner, a party, or at any other place of public amusement, before three months have passed. After that one may be seen at a concert. But to go to the opera, or a dinner, or a party, before six months have elapsed, is considered heartless and disrespectful. If one choose, as some do, to wear no mourning, then he can go, unchallenged, to any place of amusement, but if he put on mourning he must respect its etiquette.

A woman may wear mourning all her life if she choose, but it is a question whether in so doing she does not injure the welfare and happiness of the living.

The Etiquette of Correspondence.

Good or ill-breeding is no more marked in general deportment than in the writing of notes and letters. A gracefully and courteously worded note is always pleasantly received. Very long letters are now rendered unnecessary by the increase of mail and telegraphic facilities, but the writing of notes has correspondingly increased; and the last few years have seen a profuse introduction of crests, ciphers, designs, and monograms in the corners of ordinary note-paper. The use of sealing-wax has almost been abandoned, although it is still the only elegant, formal, and ceremonious way acknowledged in England, of sealing a letter.

Colored note-paper fell into disuse long ago, and for the last few years we have not seen the heavy tints. Pale greens, grays, blues, and lilacs have found a place in fashionable stationery, but now no color that is appreciable is considered stylish, unless it be écru, a creamy white. Fanciful emblazoned and colored monograms have been dropped; the crest and cipher are laid aside, and ladies have simply the address of their city residence, or the name of their country place printed in one corner (generally in color), or, a fac-simile of their initials, engraved and set across the corner of the note-paper. The day of the week, also copied from their own handwriting, is often impressed upon the square cards now so much in use for short notes, or on the note-paper. Good, plain, thick, English note-paper, folded square, put in a square envelope, and sealed with red sealing-wax is always stylish in any part of the world.

The plan of having all the note-paper marked with the address is an excellent one. It gives a stylish finish to the appearance of the note-paper, is simple, and useful. The ink should be plain black ink, which gives the written characters great distinctness.

Every lady should study to acquire a free, and educated hand; a cramped, poor, slovenly, unformed handwriting is sure to produce a poor impression upon the reader.

Custom demands that we begin all notes in the first person, with the formula of “My dear Mrs. Brown,” and close with “Yours, cordially,” or “Yours with much regard,” etc. The laws of etiquette do not permit us to use numerals, as 3, 4, 5, but demand that we write out three, four, five. No abbreviations are allowed in a note to a friend, as, “S^d be glad to see you;” one must write out, “I should be glad to see you.” The date should follow the signing of the name. A note in answer to an invitation should be written in the third person, if the invitation be in the third person. An acceptance of a dinner invitation must be written in this form:

Mr. and Mrs. Green
have great pleasure in accepting the polite
invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. Dinsmore
for dinner, on the seventeenth inst., at seven
o’clock.
18 Golden Square.
July sixth.

Above all things, in letter writing, spell correctly. A word badly spelled stands out like a blot on a familiar or ceremonious note. Do not send a blurred, blotted, slovenly note to any one. The fashion is not now, as once, imperative that a margin be left around the edge of the paper. People now write all over the paper. Do not cross your letters: such letters are a nuisance to all people who have not the keenest of eyes.

No letter or note should be written on ruled paper. Every person should learn to write without lines. The square cards are much used, and are quite large enough for the transmission of all that a lady ordinarily wishes to say in giving or accepting an invitation. The day of the week and the address are often printed on the card. Square envelopes have also driven the long ones from the table of the elegant note-writer, and the custom of closing all ceremonious notes with sealing-wax is still adhered to by the most fastidious. Dates and numerical designations, such as the number of a house, may be written in Arabic figures, but quantities should be expressed in words. Few abbreviations are respectful. A married lady should always be addressed with the prefix of her husband’s Christian name. In this country, it is the custom to abbreviate everything except the title of “Reverend,” which we always give to the clergy. A properly written note honors the writer and the person to whom it is written, while a careless one may injure both.

Behavior in Church.

It may not be out of place to furnish a hint as to behavior in church. There is, of course, such a thing as church etiquette, although its code is rather implied than written. As a preliminary, it should be assumed that the right spirit has drawn the worshiper thither and that a reverent attention will be given to the service. The following suggestion may be accepted as embodying the general view of church etiquette:

1. If possible, be in time. You need at least five minutes after coming to get warm or cool: to compose your body and mind, and to whisper a prayer before the service begins.

2. Never pass up the aisle during prayer or Scripture reading. If you do, your presence will distract the minds of many in the audience.

3. Be devout in every attitude; all whispering should be studiously avoided. Find the hymn and sing it if you can. Share the book with your neighbor. If in a strange church, conform to its customs.

4. If the sermon has begun, take a seat near the door—no matter if you are “at home.”

5. Be thoughtful for the comfort of others. Take the inside of the pew, if you are the first to enter, and leave all vacant space at the end next to the aisle.

6. Speak a bright, cheery word to as many as possible at the close of the service. If you are a stranger, ask one of the ushers to introduce you to the pastor, or to some of the church officers. This will always insure you a hearty welcome.

7. Never put on your coat, overshoes or wraps during the closing hymn, and do not make a rush for the door immediately after the benediction is pronounced.

8. There should be no loud talking and jesting after the service is concluded. They are as much out of place in the house of God as at a house of mourning.

VARIOUS POINTS ON DEPORTMENT.

Polite Terms of Address.

Not every one who is accustomed to most of the usages of good society, is familiar with the approved forms of address, even in the simplest matters. A good authority writes:

Say “Thank you,” not “Thanks”—a lazy and disrespectful abbreviation. If you say “Pardon me,” let your manner be appropriate to your words. “I beg your pardon” is sometimes uttered in prefacing the expression of a contrary opinion, and the insolence of the tone and manner give the words all the force of a contradiction. In most phrases of compliment the words are nothing, the manner everything. So of adding “Sir” or “Ma’am” to “Yes” and “No.” “Yes, sir,” “No, sir,” may be rude and defiant; “Yes” and “No” may be polite and deferential. There is a difference of opinion as to whether it is necessary, or even proper, for people of social equality to add sir or madam to these responses, and especially as to whether children should be taught to do so. It is a provincial custom, but the best usage does not allow it. Children may be taught to say “Yes” and “No” with a well-bred courtesy of tone and inflection to which the additional syllable “Sir” could give no additional grace. It is an important point of training in etiquette to enforce the truth that the spirit of words and deeds is the essence of good manners, or good anything, in fact.

Faulty Social Training.

That society is bad whose members, however tenacious they be of forms of etiquette and elaborate ceremonials, have one code of manners for those whom they deem their equals, and another for those whom they esteem to be of less importance to them by reason of age, pecuniary condition, or relative social influence, writes Mrs. Sherwood. Bad manners are apt to prove the concomitant of a mind and disposition that are none too good, and the woman who slights and wounds people because they cannot minister to her ambitions, challenges criticism of her own shortcomings. A girl who is impertinent or careless in her demeanor to her mother or her mother’s friends; who talks slang; who is careless in her bearing toward young men; who accepts the attentions of a man of bad character or dissipated habits; who is loud in dress or manner—such a girl must be classed as ill-bred and undesirable in good society.

So with a young man who is indifferent to his elders, neglects to acknowledge invitations, sits while a lady stands, does not speak to his host; who is selfish, immoral and careless of his reputation. No matter how rich, or how agreeable to those he may wish to please, he is to be avoided by a wise host or hostess.

If a young girl comes from a secluded circle, and sees some handsome, well dressed woman much courted, and observes in her what seems to be insolent pretence, unkindness, frivolity, and superciliousness, let her inquire and wait before she accepts her acquaintance. Good society is the bringing together of the best men and women in a pleasant and proper way. Good breeding, personal superiority, beauty, genius, culture, are all estimable things, and every one likes a person of charming manners; but the best society is that of those who have virtue and good manners combined.

Tactful Hostesses.

The capable hostess will give her instructions for the details of the entertainment so explicitly that on the arrival of the guests she need have no other care than their pleasure. If she is nervous, or shows constraint, it affects the ease of her guests. Upon the demeanor of the hosts the success of the occasion largely depends. Much tact may be shown in placing the right people together at the table. If one is a great talker let the other be a good listener; if one is dogmatic let the other be without positive views, and so on; for every one is happiest when appearing well. The guests, too, have their obligations, and in recognition of the compliment of being invited where the number of guests is limited to very few, each one should exert himself to be as agreeable as possible, a dull dinner or tea companion being a misfortune. At a dinner there is time, not given at most other forms of entertainment, for rational and sustained conversation, and this may be turned to durance vile if one victimizes by his egotism or caprice the person who without power of withdrawal is assigned to his society for perhaps two hours or more. Also, if one finds himself neighbor to some one he dislikes, it must not be allowed to interfere with the general pleasure; and should such a situation occur, there is nothing to do but to make the best of it. The discovery is sometimes made that an unfriendly person is more agreeable than was supposed, and a pleasanter relationship results.

A Young Girl’s Social Life.

Here is a pretty and instructive little sketch by Ruth Ashmore from her new book on “Sidetalks with Girls,” in which she pictures the “Social Life of a Girl.” She writes:

You are just beginning to go out; you are twenty years old, and you would like, as is perfectly natural, not only to have the love of women, but the genuine admiration of men. The admiration of all men is not worth having. You believe that you are pleasant to look at, but when you meet strangers you are abashed, the blood rushes to your face, and you don’t know what to say. Now a little bit of that is due to self-consciousness; more of it to inexperience. When a man is presented to you you need not expect to enter into an easy conversation with him, as does the woman of forty, but you can get your thoughts away from yourself and answer him as intelligently as possible. Make up your mind to be a little slow in your speech rather than to give a foolish answer, and after you have resolved to do this you will not find it difficult to overcome that silly giggle so peculiar to young women, and which is very often the result of great nervousness, and an effort to speak quickly.

Don’t be too perfectly certain about things. The positive girl who, the very minute a stranger speaks to her, gives him an answer which she announces is her opinion, and which she permits no one else to doubt, is quite as undesirable as the girl who is afraid to say anything. I think you will be most successful socially if you are willing to learn, and if you never permit yourself, from false shame, to tell an untruth and say you do know of things about which you are totally ignorant. Experience has taught most social leaders that men like to give information, consequently when a stranger has been presented to you, and after the first ordinary commonplaces, asks, “Did you meet the Spanish Princess?” answer yes or no, as the truth may be, and supplement this by another question, “Did you? And what did you think of her?”

It is not difficult in this world to attract, if one is young and pleasing to look upon.

It may be taken as a general rule that no woman can retain her friends who cannot control her temper. What she thinks may be right, but, because it is so, no excuse can be found for her going into a long, quarrelsome argument, raising her voice, and making her hostess and all the other guests uncomfortable. Then people must know that, socially, a girl is to be relied upon; that she is not going to bring the daily worries of her life into the social atmosphere, but that she is certain to bring her mite of agreeableness to add to all the other mites until the perfection of enjoyment is achieved, and the pleasant side of everybody is seen and enjoyed. The woman who wishes to keep her friends must steer clear of vital subjects on which they may differ.

Be pleasant and agreeable to all who may be in your own social world. To retain one’s friends one must also respect their social rights. That girl shows wisdom, who, invited to a very elaborate affair and feeling that she cannot afford even a simple suitable dress, refuses the invitation rather than mortify the hostess by being out of tune in the general harmony. One has achieved a great wisdom when one has learned how to say “no” in the social world without giving offence. So it should be with any games, or any affair involving late hours, or at which she would meet undesirable people. The saying “no” is right, but it must be said at the right time, that is, it must be said before the temptation arises and before you would be forced to appear as rude. You cannot accept an invitation and refuse to meet your hostess’ friends. Once there, you are bound to be polite to them, though afterward you need only recognize them very faintly, and gradually the recognition may die away altogether. A form of declination for those invitations which you are sure will place you either in disagreeable positions or among people whom you do not care to meet, is this:

“Miss Brown thanks Mrs. Charles Jones for the kind invitation for Wednesday evening, and regrets her inability to accept it.”

At your own home have the parlor the prettiest and most comfortable room in the house, but don’t be alone there—have some of the members of the family with you. Arrange the parlor with a view of furnishing subjects for conversation. Have whatever illustrated magazines or papers you have in view, or any photographs of celebrities; have the piano open and the music on it.

Innocent and Sinful Pleasures.

It is frequently asked: “What pleasures or recreations may a young man or woman share that are not objectionable.” There are a thousand innocent pleasures within easy reach of all. Pleasures may be classified as, (1) Recreative and helpful; (2) Harmless and enjoyable but neither helpful nor otherwise; (3) Injurious for various reasons and objectionable as being detrimental to spiritual growth and the development of the finer qualities in either sex. To the latter category belong gambling of all sorts, dancing, theatre-going, flirtations and frivolous companionship, and all pleasures that merely “kill time” and induce a temporary excitement. Objectionable pleasures are never recreative—a term that implies healthful and upbuilding if not uplifting qualities.

The greatest tonic, stimulant, and equalizer, writes Lyman B. Sperry, is genuine pleasure. Contentment, satisfaction, joy, are remarkable for their beneficial influence on mind and body. Occupations that are inviting and pleasurable, whether they be called work or play, are helpful to human development, longevity, and efficiency. Diversion, recreation, pleasure, are demanded as an antidote to our feelings of depression and fatigue, a stimulant to our courage, a basis for satisfaction with life. All must have recreation and amusement in order to thrive well, but in seeking them it is easy to find and to follow those which, though apparently, and perhaps temporarily healthful, are finally destructive of things good and satisfying. All amusements which leave a sting, or feelings of surfeit or of regret, are either essentially unhealthful (and therefore unjustifiable), or they are used in such a way as, practically, to make them injurious. There are some so-called amusements which are inevitably bad, and there are others which are bad only when they are intemperately pursued. So much depends upon the time, the manner, the amount, the associations, the tendencies of various forms of activity called amusements, that it is impossible to classify them rigidly as either commendable or objectionable. All intelligent persons must admit that our lives should be conformed to ways that are helpful to advancement in all that is really and permanently good.

Amusements should secure rest from irksome toil and conduce to real recuperation. While they enable fatigued parts of the body to rest, they should also bring into action other parts that need, for the general good of the body, as well as for their own good, to be called into exercise. Genuine and healthful amusements stimulate mental emotion in such a way as to make one forget his burdens and sorrows, they leave in the consciousness a sweet memory which spreads its perfume over and through the succeeding period of toil, and even into the toil of one’s neighbors. There should be no doubt about the effects. Questionable amusements are usually injurious amusements. Some really commendable forms may be in bad repute simply because they are habitually in bad company, or possibly because of mere prejudice. Each one should be intelligently examined as to its nature and influence, and be accepted or rejected only after a fair judgment is passed upon it.

Comparatively few persons lack opportunities for amusement, and with many the great question is what not to do. With so much to select from, how shall we amuse ourselves? The answer is, In any way we please—provided, first, that we can afford it; second, that we find practically that it furnishes the rest and recuperation we need and that without leaving a residuum of regret or of lessened self-respect; third, that our indulgence does not interfere with the natural rights of others, or prove a stumbling-block to them; and fourth, that it is not of such a fascinating nature as to induce us to consume an undue amount of time and energy. It requires a goodly stock of intelligence and conscience to determine, each for himself, what amusements he shall seek, and where, when, and how they shall be sought.

The man or the woman who, at the social party or at the family fireside, plays any kind of a game for stakes, even though they may be trifling, thereby kindles and fans a flame that in many cases becomes unquenchable. The person thus tempted easily follows his impulses, and rushes into anything that will either arouse or gratify the love of excitement.

The moral quality of most forms of amusement may be determined simply by their physical effects. So intimately related are mind and body, so influential is the conscience over physical processes, that nothing which the conscience condemns can be healthful and recuperative. And it is equally true that every form of physical excess or of dissipation, inevitably leaves mental recoils and moral stings.

One of the best men of the day, who has seen much of life and who has studied many of its problems, says: “If an amusement sends you home at night nervous, so that you cannot sleep, and you rise up in the morning, not because you are slept out, but because your duties drag you from your slumbers, you have been where you ought not to have been. There are amusements that send a man, next day, to his work, yawning, stupid, nauseated, and with blood-shot eyes; they are wrong amusements. There are entertainments that give a man disgust with the drudgery of life; with work-tools because they are not swords; with working aprons because they are not princely robes; with domestic cattle because they are not infuriated bulls of the arena. If anything sends you home longing for a life of thrilling adventure, for love that takes poison or shoots itself, for moonlight adventures and hair-breadth escapes, you may depend upon it you are the sacrificed victim of unsanctified pleasure. Our recreations are intended to build us up, and if they pull us down, as to our moral or as to our physical strength, you may come to the conclusion that they are obnoxious.”

Wise people judge all so-called amusements by their actual fruits; by their immediate and their remote influence on the body, the mind, and the soul. It is the part of wisdom to cheerfully avoid all that prove to be dissipating to physical energy, or degrading to moral character; and the highest wisdom as clearly dictates that we cheerfully engage in those things which rest, refresh, and energize our God-given powers.

Treatment of Servants.

There is no surer sign of ill breeding and ill feeling than the rude treatment of dependents. The obligation of civility to servants should be inculcated especially upon the young American, who ought to learn at the earliest period that the accidental relation of advantage of position, which is ever alternating in a country free from prescriptive right, gives no title to a haughty demeanor and a domineering conduct. The recognition of the mutual obligation of master and man, and mistress and maid, is a certain sign of the true gentleman and lady, who will never exact from those temporarily placed in subjection to them the civility they are unwilling to bestow. The “thank you,” “please,” and other courteous expressions of a kindly consideration of the obligation of the employer to the employed, will be freely proffered by all who are fully conscious of their social duties and willing to acknowledge them. Policy, as well as good breeding, inculcates the necessity of gentle treatment and courteous behavior to servants, who will seldom fail to respond with a more zealous service and a readier obedience to exactions and commands rendered less harsh and domineering by a soft word and a subdued mastery.

Management of the Hands.

The management of the hands in company seems to embarrass young people greatly. This comes from the false modesty which induces them to suppose they are the observed of all observers. Let them think only of themselves in due proportion of estimate with the vast multitude of mankind, and frequent habitually the company of the refined, and they will probably overcome much of their awkwardness, if they do not acquire a large degree of grace.