GOETHE

GERMAN
WIT AND HUMOR

A COLLECTION FROM FAMOUS SOURCES
CLASSIFIED UNDER
APPROPRIATE SUBJECT HEADINGS

PHILADELPHIA
GEORGE W. JACOBS & CO
PUBLISHERS

Copyright, 1903, by
George W. Jacobs & Company
Published, August, 1903

Contents

German Wit and Humor

CHAPTER I
Humor of the Sixteenth Century

The Fool’s Lesson

When Eulenspiegel came to Magdeburg—the fame of his notorious pranks having preceded him—several of the best citizens asked him to give them a sample of his buffoonery. He said he would do so, and promised to fly from the roof of a house on the market place. The news spread rapidly, and old and young hurried there to see him fly. For some time Eulenspiegel stood on the low roof, moving his arms and acting as if he were going to fly, then he burst out laughing and cried: “I thought I was the only fool in the world, but I see that here are almost a whole city full of them. If you had told me that you were going to fly, I should not have believed you; and yet you believed me, a well-known fool. How should I be able to fly? I am neither a goose nor any other kind of a bird. I have no wings, and without wings and feathers nobody can fly. Now you see, I told you a falsehood.”

He turned and left the roof, while the crowd separated, some laughing, some swearing, but all agreeing, that though he was a fool, he had told them the truth.

The Wisdom of a Fool

“A fool may sometimes be a better judge than a wise man,” writes Johannes Andrea of a fool. Once a beggar entered the kitchen of a tavern. A large piece of meat was roasting on the spit, and the poor man took his bread from his pocket and held it over the roast, so the odor would penetrate it, then he ate it. When all his bread was gone he turned to leave, but the host went after him and demanded his pay. The poor man said, “You did not give me either meat or drink; so what should I pay you for?”

The host replied, “You feasted on what was mine, on the odor of the roast, and you shall pay me for that.”

They went to court about it, but judgment was suspended, until next court-day. Now one of the judges had a fool at home, and at dinner this case was talked about. Said the fool: “Pay the host with the jingle of the money, as the poor man feasted on the odor of the roast.”

When court-day came around the fool’s advice was followed.

A Good Shot

A man passing through a forest, saw an old blind bear. A young bear, whose tail was in the old bear’s mouth, led him. The man took his gun and shot the young bear’s tail off. Then he took hold of it and led the blind bear for two miles to market at Stuttgart.

The One-legged Crane

A knight invited his father-confessor to dinner. The holy father arrived while the knight was still at church, and being hungry went to the kitchen where all kinds of meat were roasting. He said to the cook: “The roasts are now at their best; give me a leg from this crane and then I’ll wait for dinner.” But the cook replied: “I cannot do that; my master would send me away if I brought the bird, mutilated like that, to the table. Take it yourself, then he cannot blame me.”

The confessor took a knife and cut the leg off, had the cook give him bread and wine, and sat down to enjoy it. At dinner the crane was served lying on his wounded side. The knight asked at once in an angry tone: “Where is the other leg?” His confessor, who sat next to him, whispered to him to keep quiet before his guests, that after dinner he would prove to him that the bird had only had one leg.

As soon as dinner was over, the knight asked his confessor to take a walk with him. They went outside the town. On the way the knight said: “You insisted that the bird had only one leg; how is that?” “I will show you,” returned the confessor, and took him to a meadow where between thirty and forty cranes were standing, all, as usual, on one leg. Pointing to them he said: “Look, all those birds have only one leg.” The knight clapped his hands and chased them. The cranes grew frightened, stretched their necks, put down their feet, and ran. Said the knight to the confessor: “How now? You see that they have two legs?” Says the confessor: “Dear sir, if you had clapped your hands like this at the table, the other leg would have put in an appearance too.”

Justice Obscured by a Pig

There was a poor widow, who had a case at court. She brought to the judge a little pot of sour cream; he was to protect her cause. He bade her hope for the best and said that she had a good case, and need not worry. She was glad.

Then came the opponent. He was rich, and brought the judge a young pig. When the case came up, the woman lost her suit. She went to the judge and said: “Sir, where is my little pot of cream?” He answered: “The little pig knocked it over.”

CHAPTER II
Humor of the Seventeenth Century

The Farmer’s Belief

A farmer went to confession and the priest asked him if he knew anything about the Trinity. The good man knew nothing about it. The priest did his best to explain it to him and at last said: “My good friend, to make it still plainer to you, imagine yourself God the Father, respect your son as if he were the Son of God, and take your wife to be the Holy Ghost. Now remember, you three are as one. You are one household and live together; that makes a trinity.” With this the good man went home.

A year later, he came again to confess. The priest asked him at once whether he believed now in a trinity. “No,” said the farmer, “I only believe in the first two, the Father and the Son, in those two I believe firmly. In the Holy Ghost I don’t believe at all; for everything that the Father and the Son gain by hard, heavy labor, the Holy Ghost squanders and spends.” The priest had to give up trying to enlighten the good farmer. He absolved him and let him depart.

The Monk’s Trick

A nobleman was walking across the country with a barefooted monk. They came to a brook and found the bridge had disappeared. The nobleman asked the monk, as he was without shoes, to carry him across. The monk did so, but when they were in the middle of the brook he asked the nobleman if he had any money with him. He answered: “Yes.”—“Oh,” said the monk, “we are forbidden to carry money,” and dropped the nobleman into the brook.

A Brief Sermon

A priest who had not studied much, came into the pulpit and said: “I will briefly speak of three things to-day. The first I know, and you do not. The second you know, and I do not. The third none of us knows. That my trousers are torn, I know. Whether you are going to give me a new pair, you know. Our sexton had a fresh barrel of beer put in; but whether that beer is good, none of us knows; so come along and let us taste it.”

A Bright Reply

Three young noblemen were riding by a field in which a farmer was working among his cabbages. They rode up to him, and one said: “My good man, what will you give us, if we prove to you that you are a cabbage?” The farmer answered: “Nothing, for I can do those tricks as well as you. Now I can prove to you, that your saddles are mules.” At this the young sparks shouted with laughter and said: “Well, tell us all about it.” The farmer answered: “Why, all my life, I have known that anything between a horse and an ass has been called a mule.”

A Large Recipe

A good but stupid countryman stopped with his farm wagon before a drug-store in the town, and began to unload a big, heavy door. The druggist, much surprised, said: “What do you want with that here? The carpenter lives over there.” Said the farmer: “It is all right. My wife is ill, the doctor has been to see her and wrote the prescription with chalk on this door, as we had no pen and ink. Now, sir, please make it up. I am in a great hurry.”

A Trapful

“Once I caught in my trap a wild duck, a fox, and a nine pound carp.”

“How did it happen?”

“Near the pond, a fox saw a duck; he sneaked up to catch her. Springing at her, he caught her by the wing, but the duck managed to get into the water. The fox holding on to her wing followed her; but a big carp swam up behind and bit him in his leg. The fox closes his claws so tight on the carp that it cannot get away again. Now the trap was close by, and the duck fluttered into it. The fox not willing to lose her, follows in and pulls the carp after him.”

His Turn

A woman whose little child would not go to sleep at night, wakened her husband, to take his turn for a while in nursing it, as it was as much his part as hers. “You are right,” said the husband, turning on his other side, “you rock your part, I’ll let mine scream.”

A Sympathetic Parson

A parson preached in Holy week so touchingly about the Lord’s suffering, that the whole congregation began to sob. Then the minister, who was a very tender-hearted man and did not like to see anybody weep, said: “My dear friends, be comforted; it all happened so long ago, who knows whether it is true.”

Delayed Justice

Once a farmer complained to his minister, that his landlord persecuted him most shamefully. The parson comforted the farmer saying: “The pitcher goes to the well until it breaks; and if he does not get his just punishment in this world he will surely suffer all the more in the next.” Answered the farmer: “Yes, but if the rascal repents on his deathbed, what then?”

Luck

The minister, in the scripture lesson at school, had been explaining the miracles, and finally asked a boy: “Jacob, your father is a roofer. What would you call it, if you came home, and heard that your father had fallen from the roof of the church tower, without breaking his neck?”

“Luck.”

“So, luck? But if you came home a second time and heard the same thing?”

“An accident.”

“But the third time?”

“A lie, sir.”

Somewhat Mixed

An amiable host had to send late at night for a carriage to take home his four friends, who had taken too much of his wine. He gave the driver the street and house number of each one, and went to bed. He was in his first sleep when his door-bell was rung violently.

“What is the matter?” he called from his window, seeing that the carriage with his guests had returned.

“Oh, sir,” cries the driver, “please sort them out once more for me; they got all mixed up!”

The Wrong Man

A monk, a farmer, and a barber met on a journey. At night they went into a tavern, but when it was time to go to sleep the barber said: “Listen, friends, to me; this place looks suspicious. I hope they won’t rob us in the night.”

“Yes,” assented the monk, “I don’t feel easy about it either; but what can we do? We can’t sit here all night, we are all three dog-tired.”

“Oh, I know what we can do,” answered the barber. “One of us must watch while the others sleep. We will draw lots who shall be first, second, and third watch.”

The monk and the farmer agreed to this. Lots were drawn, and the barber was to watch first, the farmer second, and the monk last. The barber kept watch faithfully, and after he had done everything to keep awake he took from his bundle his scissors and other tools and soaped the farmer’s head and then shaved it as bald as the monk’s. When his time was up he shook the farmer and called: “Get up, man, it is your turn now!”

The farmer awoke, but when, still stupid with sleep, he put his hand to his head and found no hair, he grew angry and cried: “What a fool that barber is; he was to waken me, and he has wakened the monk instead.”

The Rogue’s Coat

A hypocrite came into a shop where clothes were sold, and asked for a coat. Different kinds were shown to him, but none pleased him. “I need one that is black on one side and white on the other, but of the same material on both sides.”

“Strange,” said the merchant; “by your face I judge you to be an honest man, and yet you ask—how shall I express it?—well, frankly, for a rogue’s coat.”

“But, my goodness!” replied the buyer, smilingly, “don’t you know at all in what kind of a world we are living? You can’t get along with one coat. The pulpit demands one kind, the court-house another, the café another, the office another, the platform another, the assembly another, the bedroom another. If you meet ten people within five minutes it is possible that you will have to turn your coat ten times.”

“That may be,” murmured the merchant, a simple, honest German, “but if the devil gets you in a black coat, what good will a white one do you?”

His Wiser Half

A man had loaned to another fifty gulden, but having a poor memory he had forgotten who had borrowed it. He was much worried about it and told his wife. She was clever, as all women are, and told him what to do. “Go, to-morrow morning early, through the town,” said she, “and whenever a friend or acquaintance bids you good day, answer, ‘Thank you, but I would rather have ready money.’”

“I’ll do it,” said he man, and went out early next morning. Everybody took his answer for fun, until he met his debtor.

“This is an insult,” said he. “I don’t care to owe anything to anybody who reminds me of it in such a rude way,” and gave the money back at once.

Adventures of Baron von Munchhausen

“When at last my parents gave their consent to my traveling, my uncle took me on a trip to Ceylon. Our vessel arrived there after a stormy voyage of six weeks. About two weeks after our arrival the Governor’s son asked me to go hunting with him. I accepted the invitation. Now my friend was a big, strong man, used to the heat, but I, unused to it, soon grew tired and lagged behind.

“I was just going to sit down by the shore of a raging river, when I heard a noise behind me on the road. I looked back and saw an immense lion coming towards me, who plainly indicated that he meant to make his breakfast off me, without waiting even to ask my permission. My gun was loaded only with shot. I had no time to think, and in my confusion I determined to fire at the beast in the hope of frightening him away. But in my anxiety I did not wait until the lion came within the range of my gun. The noise made him furious, and he came at me with a rush. More from instinct than sober reflection, I turned to run, but—even now it makes me shudder to think of it—a few feet from me stood a horrible crocodile, with mouth wide open, ready to swallow me.

“Just imagine, gentlemen, the frightful position I was in! Behind me the lion, before me the crocodile, to my left a raging river, to my right an abyss, in whose depths, as I afterwards learned, the most poisonous snakes abounded. Almost fainting I dropped to the ground. In a few moments I heard a loud, strange noise. When at last I dared to raise my head to look around, what do you think had happened? The immense force with which the lion jumped, the moment I dropped to the ground, had carried him over and beyond me, straight into the crocodile’s open mouth. The head of the one stuck in the throat of the other, and they fought with all their might to get away from each other. I sprang up just in time, drew my hunting knife and, with one stroke, severed the lion’s head, the body falling at my feet. Then I took my gun and rammed the head down further into the crocodile’s throat, choking him to death.

“Soon after I had gained this great victory over two terrible foes, my friend returned to see what had become of me. After congratulations we measured the crocodile and found his length to be forty feet, seven inches.

“As soon as we had told this extraordinary adventure to the Governor, he sent several men with a wagon to fetch the two animals to his house.

“From the lion’s skin I had a furrier make tobacco pouches, some of which I presented to my friends. The crocodile was stuffed and mounted, and is now one of the greatest curiosities of the museum at Amsterdam.”

Munchhausen’s Partridges

“One day I went into the woods to try a new gun, and had used up all my ammunition when a covey of partridges rose from almost under my feet. The desire to have a few of them on my dinner table that night gave me a bright idea. As soon as I saw where the birds lit, I loaded my gun, but instead of shot I put in the ramrod, which I had pointed at the upper end as well as I could in a hurry. Then I went towards the birds, pulled the trigger as they flushed, and had the pleasure of seeing seven spitted on my ramrod. As I tell you, gentlemen, there is nothing like being able to help oneself.”

Munchhausen’s Black Fox

“Another time, in a forest in Russia, I came across a magnificent black fox. Shooting him would never do, as it would spoil his beautiful fur. Now, Mr. Fox stood close to a tree. Instantly I took the bullet from my gun and put in its place a large nail, fired, and hit him so skilfully that his tail was nailed to the tree. I went quietly up to him, took my hunting-knife, made a cross cut over his face, took my whip and beat him out of his beautiful fur so nicely that it was a joy and a real wonder to see.”

CHAPTER III
For Gunners

An Enthusiastic Nimrod

The night before the opening of the partridge season, a gunner and his dog were crouching under some bushes. The time was five minutes to twelve. The dog was getting restless.

“Hold on, Feldman—only five minutes more—and then we can go for them!”

Pleasure of Tiger Hunting

A gentleman who had spent some time in India and had been on several tiger hunts, was asked whether he found it pleasant sport. “Oh,” he replied, “it is very pleasant sport as long as you are chasing the tiger, but should he happen to chase you, it has its drawbacks.”

A Staff as a Firearm

A poor Jew was tramping through a forest. Suddenly a wolf came running towards him. Dreadfully frightened the Jew raised his staff, but fortunately at the same moment, a hunter who was lurking behind some bushes, shot at the wolf and killed him. “God’s blessing,” cried the Jew, who did not see the gunner, but had heard the shot: “I have carried this staff for twenty years, and never knew that it was loaded!”

A Master Shot

“Something remarkable happened to me yesterday. I went gunning and saw two rabbits, about twenty-five feet apart, taking a nap in the grass. Now what to do to get them, I hardly knew. Quickly I pulled the two barrels of my gun apart, drew the trigger and both rabbits were mine.”

Recognized

A, relating his first gunning adventure:—“What do you think of this, gentlemen! Some time ago, while I was on the lookout for game, along comes a rabbit and sits down not far from me. I shoot, but the rabbit does not move. I shoot again, but still the rabbit does not budge. Now my patience is at an end. I run towards him, and when I get close enough to knock him down, up rises my rabbit and is off. Now how do you explain this, gentlemen?”

Old Gunner:—“Well, that rabbit read you all right. He thought: As long as he only shoots, there is no danger; but when he comes himself, then it’s time to skip.”

Never at a Loss

Gunner:—“You always insisted that your old gun did not shoot straight, but now that you have a new one, you don’t seem to hit anything, either.”

Sunday Gunner:—“Yes, but now the rabbits don’t run straight.”

A Malicious Proposition

Gunner:—“I should just like to know whether that dark speck over there is a driver or a deer.”

Förster:—“We can soon find out. You just shoot at it; if you hit it, it is a driver; if you don’t, it’s certain that it is a deer.”

He Wanted Witnesses

Gunner (who has shot a rabbit at last):—“Oh, for some witnesses to this!”

Enlightened Him

Baron (to his neighbor at a pheasant hunt):—“Did you not notice; I hit that pheasant—the feathers flew!”

Förster:—“Yes, I saw it—so did the pheasant.”

The Stolen Deer

Poacher:—“Your Reverence, I have a beautiful deer for sale.”

His Reverence:—“A deer? What? Did you say a deer, Seppel? How long is it since I reasoned with you and tried to make you understand what a bad fellow you are! Did I not tell you that if you shoot a deer, you commit a great crime and that such a deer is as good as stolen? My, but I am angry! Seppel, take that deer right to the kitchen, I don’t want to see any more of it.”

A Poor Excuse

Förster:—“Now I have caught you—what are you doing here with that gun?”

Poacher:—“Oh, my! Herr Förster, I am so down on my luck, that I thought I’d just go into the woods and shoot—myself.”

A Gunner’s Memory

A:—“Have you heard the news? The Oberförster shot four deer yesterday!”

B:—“He told me he got two.”

A:—“Is that possible? Why, I spoke to him only about five minutes ago, at the Golden Star Inn.”

B:—“Oh, that explains it. I spoke to him half an hour ago.”

Improving Opportunities

Clerk (to his principal):—“Can I have this afternoon off, sir,—an old aunt of mine is to be buried?”

Principal:—“Very well, but the next time you bury an aunt, you might bring me a couple of rabbits.”

A Gunning Yarn

A gentleman just returned from Brazil, boasted of the many gorillas he had killed there. “That must have been very difficult,” remarked one of the listeners.

“It certainly was,” said the narrator, “but I knew how to take advantage of the monkey’s passion for imitating us.”

“How?”

“It was very simple. In places where I suspected the presence of gorillas, I loaded a pistol with a blind cartridge, turned it upon myself and fired; then I left a heavily loaded one on the ground and retired. Returning to the place later on, I invariably found the carcass of a gorilla, who had shot himself.”

A Sign of Recognition

A good shot knows when he has missed; a poor one does not know when he has hit.

Too Small a Price

Gunner:—“Would you believe that I shot ninety-nine rabbits within two hours?”

Host:—“Why don’t you say one hundred at once?”

Gunner:—“You don’t think I’d make a liar of myself for just one rabbit?”

Banter

Lehman:—“Gentlemen, I must tell you a pretty story of my friend Muller! Recently, while out gunning, he shot at a rabbit, but, of course, missed him. Now instead of running away, the rabbit went up to friend Muller, bowed and said quite distinctly: ‘Excuse me, sir, but I wish to congratulate you. You shot at me to-day for the twenty-fifth time, without hitting me!’”

Muller:—“My friend Lehman’s story needs a supplement. You must know that I introduced myself to that rabbit. ‘What,’ cried the rabbit, very pale, ‘your name is Muller! I thought it was Lehman!’ and he is off like a flash.”

Cautious

Förster:—“Sepp, the squire is coming to-day. He is going to hunt.”

Sepp:—“Then I had better go at once and lock up the dogs.”

Förster:—“Yes, and the calf too. The cow you might leave in the field.”

Sepp:—“Don’t know about that.”

Förster:—“Well, lock her up too; better be on the safe side.”

Queer

“Well this is killing! I shoot at a rabbit and hit a snipe!”

A Dog’s Intelligence

A gunner tells the following story of a dog’s astonishing cleverness. The dog received every day from his master two pennies, to go to the baker’s and get for himself some rolls to eat for breakfast. The master watching him, noticed that for several days, he came home without his rolls. He followed him, and saw him come from a butcher’s with a piece of sausage. For five days the dog had saved his pennies until he had enough to buy the piece of sausage.

Caught Him

At a hunt a farmer saw a badger slip into a hole, and at once he put his hand in to capture the animal. A hunter who was present, asked the farmer: “Have you caught him?” The farmer, whose hand the badger was biting hard, screamed: “No, but he has caught me!”

Thoroughly Reformed

Warden:—“Now, Killian, you are free once more. I hope you will let this term in prison be a warning to you, to curb your passion for poaching. You are a family man, and you ought to have more consideration for your poor wife and young children.”

Killian (moved to tears):—“Oh yes, sir, I see you mean well by me. You just wait and see if I don’t bring to you the first deer I can shoot!”

He Remembered

Gunner:—“Say, sonny, did you see a rabbit running this way?”

Boy:—“I did, sir!”

Gunner:—“How long ago?”

Boy:—“’Bout three years ago last Christmas.”

Great Consolation

Count A—— had lately returned from the South of Asia. Several of his friends called on him to invite him to a hunt. “Gentlemen,” he said, languidly, “I am now so used to hunting tigers, that a hunt without danger to life, has no attractions for me.”

“Well,” said one of the hunters, drily, “don’t let that worry you; I shot at my brother-in-law yesterday, while we were out gunning!”

Logic

(Two farmers going through a field.) A:—“What are you running all at once for? You are not afraid of a rabbit?”

B:—“Rabbit! Who cares for a rabbit! But where there is a rabbit, there is a gunner not far off. I don’t care to have him blaze away at me.”

On a Bear Hunt

An old Oberförster told the following yarn:—“You can never imagine, gentlemen, the number of bears there are in Russia, unless, like myself, you have been there. Once a friend and myself made an excursion from Petersburg to the hunting-ground in Finland. We had not been on the lookout very long, when my friend whispered: ‘There are two coming this way—you can take the right one, I the left one.’ A double shot, and both monsters were rolling on the ground. At that instant several more bears appeared. Bang—bang—bang—and they are all stretched on the ground, in less than a minute.”

“Oh, but how did you get time to load your guns, sir?”

“Oh, pshaw! In our excitement we never thought of that!”

A Very Remarkable Shot

Herr von N. was a passionate lover of hunting, and though he seldom hit anything, he boasted the more. He was giving a large dinner-party, and, as usual on such occasions, had his man-servant standing behind his chair, so he could appeal to him, as a witness of his heroic deeds. “Now, gentlemen, I must tell you of a very remarkable shot I made the other day. I shot a very large deer through the right hind leg and the right ear. What do you think of that?” Everybody laughed.

“John, you were there,” cried Herr von N., “you can testify to it.”

“Most certainly,” replied the servant, “it is all perfectly true. The deer—if the gentlemen will forgive my mentioning it—was scratching his ear at the very moment my master hit it.” The laughter grew to a roar. John stooped over his master and whispered in his ear: “When your Honor tells a story next, please don’t have things so far apart or I might not be able to put them together as well.”

A Kind Neighbor

“Will you permit me, friend, to shoot one of the ducks in this pond? I’ll give you two marks for it.”

“Certainly, sir!”

The gunner pays the money, kills the duck, and, encouraged by his luck, asks the farmer if he may have a second one, pays him two more marks and kills another duck.

“Would you allow me to shoot a third one?”

“Sure, shoot all you want to; the ducks don’t belong to me, but to my neighbor.”

A Good Excuse

Farmer (to another):—“I caught a rabbit yesterday. He won’t get into my cabbage patch again!”

Förster (coming up behind):—“So, that’s right; and pray what did you do with that rabbit, you rascal?”

Farmer:—“Well, well, what should I have done with him! Look here, sir; I just took the beast, belabored his fur well with my stick and carried him into the next field. He won’t come back here!”

Förster:—“Don’t doubt it at all!”

Killed One

Förster:—“Well, Doctor, what did you shoot?”

Doctor:—“Oh, ah—I—killed one rabbit—and—wounded three.”

Age Limit

City Swell:—“What a magnificent animal a fully grown deer is! How old do they get?”

Gamekeeper:—“Well, you see, that depends on—when they are shot!”

Contradiction

Förster (to gunner):—“What did you shoot at?”

“At a doe, sir,—but I missed her!”

“What, you shot at a doe? Haven’t you any eyes in your head? You ought to be ashamed of yourself (furiously) to shoot at a doe—and then to miss her besides!”

Somewhat Uncertain

Förster (to a gunner, who instead of rabbits, has killed several dogs):—“Say, when you are done with the dogs, tell us, so we can clear out in time!”

A Gentle Hint

Teacher (to the Förster’s son):—“Are there many rabbits in your father’s district?”

Pupil:—“Oh yes, sir, lots!”

Teacher:—“That’s queer; I never saw one.”

A True Sunday Gunner

A:—“Well, aren’t you coming yet?”

B:—“It takes that fellow a long time to get his duds together!”

A:—“You haven’t forgotten anything? You’ve got the ham, the sausage, the pheasant?”

C:—“Yes, I have them; I haven’t forgotten a thing.”

A:—“Then let’s be off!”

C (Pulling his mustache):—“Good gracious! I did forget something!”

A:—“What is it?”

C:—“I left my gun at home!”

A Good Excuse

Baron von Rothschild has made it a strict rule that none of his guests are to take any of the game shot on his preserves away with them. Though he knew this, a gentleman wished to take home to his wife, one of the pheasants he had shot. He hung it up the chimney in his room, and in the evening hid it in his bag. Early the following morning Baron Rothschild came into his guest’s room to take leave of him and at the same time to see whether his friend was going with his gunning bag empty. A setter had followed the Baron into the room, and as he smelled the bird at once, he hunted all over the room until he finally pulled the finest pheasant from the guest’s bag. “You see, Baron, knowing that you send to market all the game that is killed here for you, I retained this pheasant to mark him and so be able to recognize him at the market stall. Farewell!”

Consolation

A:—“I tell you, when I count what my license costs, what my board comes to, while on a gunning trip, what I ruin in clothes and boots, what my neglect of business amounts to, every rabbit I kill costs me about twenty marks!”

B:—“Then you may thank your stars that you hit so few.”

Putting a Stop to Gunners’ Yarns

Canon, the well-known painter, who died recently, was an enthusiastic gunner. Often during the gunning season he would join other friends of the sport at the hotel, and experiences would be exchanged. Now Canon hated all extravagant, impossible yarns, and one evening when some gunners tried to outdo each other, his patience gave way. His strong voice rose above the din, and everybody listened to the following story: “My setter dog,” he began, “has the finest sense of smell; a finer does not exist. One day we were out partridge hunting, but had no luck; after a three hours’ tramp not a shot had been fired. Suddenly my dog stood still, and then began scratching at the root of a small bush. We approached cautiously. The dog kept on digging, and after he had made quite a hole, one of us went up and helped him. All of a sudden he brought to me—a new porcelain pipe with a partridge painted on it. I always carry it with me as a souvenir.” He put his hand in his pocket and laid the pipe on the table. Shouts of laughter greeted it, but there were no more gunning yarns after that.

CHAPTER IV
For Doctors

Depends Upon Which He Strikes

Professor:—“Gentlemen, I am going to begin my lecture to-day, with the diseases of mankind. When a person is ill, nature and disease are fighting each other. The doctor comes and beats about with a club, so to speak; if he strikes the disease, the person will recover; if he strikes nature, the patient dies.”

At the Clinic

“Yes, beloved hearers, every hour must find us prepared to die. Death is inevitable, yes almost sure!”

Absent-Minded

Professor:—“Gentlemen, I can inform you that during the past month, more boys than girls were born in our city; but as to the weddings celebrated during the same period, the number of women who were married exceeds that of the men considerably.”

Entered In

“Gentlemen, at the last lecture we studied the outer form and structure of the stomach; to-day we will enter into the stomach itself.”

At an Operation

“Please, gentlemen, put your knives away now, and take your fingers in your hand.”

At the Hospital

Professor:—“We have no patient here to-day who needs an operation, but as his Highness, our patron, wishes to attend one, we will try one on this man here. He is a stranger in the city, so it will be all right.”

Consistency

Doctor:—“Do you make experiments at your hospital?”

Professor:—“I should say so! We have, for instance, three divisions for inflammation of the lungs. In the first, the patients are not given anything; in the second, they are given tartar-emetic; in the third, tartar-emetic and they are also bled. In all three divisions deaths are about even.”

Doctor:—“Don’t you think that many a patient of the first division could be saved, by being bled?”

Professor:—“Don’t doubt it, but it can’t be done. We must be firm, to reach the desired result.”

The Ruling Passion

Miser:—“If, as you say, there is nothing more to be done for me, I should like it better if you could fix it so that I shall be dead and buried by New Year.”

Doctor:—“What do you wish that for?”

Miser:—“Because I could save a lot of money on New Year’s presents.”

The Medicine Chest

A ship’s doctor was in the habit of prescribing sea-water for most ills. One day by an unlucky accident, he fell overboard. “Hello, Jack,” called one sailor to another, “the doctor fell into his medicine chest!”

Doctors Not Unlike Policemen

The prince of R. once said to Hufeland: “You are a famous physician. You know the human body so well inside and out, that you ought to be able to cure all ills!”

“It is with doctors as with policemen,” replied Hufeland. “We know the streets well, but how the houses look on the inside, we can only guess at.”

Bound to Succeed

“Say, surgeon,” thundered the Colonel, “several more soldiers have died and you don’t even seem to know the cause of so many deaths!”

“Oh, I shall get at the mystery,” returned the surgeon, “if it takes the whole regiment.”

The Co-laborers

Lady:—“Would you mind telling me, Doctor, how it is that you have so many patients?”

Doctor:—“That is very simple. I have three fine agents, who work for me and bring me patients, without being paid for it; they are Poverty, Intemperance, and Imagination.”

No Need of a Doctor

Doctor:—“While taking this cure, you must diet yourself strictly; avoid all fatty and acid foods; and leave beer and wine alone.”

Patient:—“Hold on, Doctor; if I must do without all that, I’ll get well without you. If you can’t help me to be well, while I eat and drink what I like, I have no use for either yourself or your science!”

Practice Makes Perfect

Doctor:—“Well, you are coughing with less exertion to-day!”

Patient:—“That’s not surprising, Doctor, since I practiced at it all night.”

A Dyeing Patient

Doctor:—“My dear woman, your husband is in the greatest danger! His hands and arms are very red; he has scarlet fever in the worst form!”

Wife:—“But, Doctor, my husband is a dyer, and was using red this morning.”

Doctor:—“Oh well, then I can perhaps save him yet!”

Curiosity

“You see, Doctor, whenever I shake my head, my brain hurts dreadfully.”

“Why do you shake your head, then?”

“How else can I find out that my brain hurts?”

The Greater Risk

Doctor:—“Well, Moses, what has happened?”

Moses:—“What has happened? My wife drank coal-oil.”

Moses, Jr.:—“Father, mother is calling for you constantly; do go in to her, so she will get quiet!”

Moses:—“The Lord have mercy! I should go to her? You go in first, Doctor.”

Doctor:—“Why shall I go in first?”

Moses:—“I have six children to support.”

Doctor:—“Well, and——?”

Moses:—“Well, and? you ask, Doctor, and yet you are a smart man. What if she should explode the moment I was with her?”

Lung Trouble

Countryman:—“Doctor, will you please prescribe a little something for me. I think something is wrong with my lung.”