SCENE V
LÍPOCHKA and PODKHALYÚZIN
Silence
PODKHALYÚZIN. Olimpiáda Samsónovna, ma'am! Olimpiáda Samsónovna! I suppose you abominate me? Say only one word, ma'am! Just let me kiss your little hand!
LÍPOCHKA. You blockhead, you ignorant lout!
PODKHALYÚZIN. But why, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, do you want to insult me, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. I'll tell you once, now and forever, that I won't marry you, and
I won't!
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's just as you please, ma'am! Love can't be forced. Only here's what I want to announce to you, ma'am——
LÍPOCHKA. I won't listen to you; go away from me! As if you were an educated gentleman! You see that I wouldn't marry you for anything in the world—you ought to break off yourself!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Now, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, you were pleased to say "break off." Only, if I should break off, what would happen then, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. Why, the thing that would happen would be that I'd marry an aristocrat.
PODKHALYÚZIN. An aristocrat, ma'am! But an aristocrat won't take you without a dowry!
LÍPOCHKA. What do you mean, without dowry? What are you talking about? Just take a look and see what kind of a dowry I have; it fairly hits you in the face!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Those dish-rags, ma'am? A nobleman won't take dish-rags. A nobleman wants it in cash, ma'am.
LÍPOCHKA. What of it? Dad will give cash!
PODKHALYÚZIN. All right, if he will, ma'am! But what if he hasn't any to give? You don't know about your papa's affairs, but I know 'em mighty well; your papa's a bankrupt, ma'am.
LÍPOCHKA. What do you mean, bankrupt? And the house and shops?
PODKHALYÚZIN. The house and shops—are mine, ma'am!
LÍPOCHKA. Yours! Get out! Are you trying to make a fool of me? Look for a bigger goose than I am.
PODKHALYÚZIN. But I have here some legal documents. [He produces them.
LÍPOCHKA. So you bought them of dad?
PODKHALYÚZIN. I did, ma'am!
LÍPOCHKA. Where'd you get the money?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Money! Glory to God, I have more money than any nobleman.
LÍPOCHKA. What in the world are they doing to me? They've been bringing me up all these years, and then go bankrupt! [Silence.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Now suppose, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, that you married a nobleman—what will that ever amount to, ma'am? Only the glory of being a lady, but not the least pleasure, ma'am. Please consider: ladies themselves often go to the market on foot, ma'am. And if they do drive out anywhere, then it's only the glory of having four horses; but the whole team ain't worth one merchant's horse. By heaven, it ain't, ma'am! And they don't dress so blamed superbly either, ma'am! But if, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, you should marry me, ma'am—here's the first word: you'll wear silk gowns even at home, and visiting, and to the theatre, ma'am—and we shan't dress you in anything but velvets. In respect to hats and cloaks—we won't care what's in style with the nobility, but we'll furnish you the finest ever! We'll get horses from the Orlov stud. [Silence] If you have doubts on the question of my looks, then that's just as you like, ma'am; I'll put on a dress coat, and trim my beard or cut it off, according to the fashion, ma'am; that's all one to me, ma'am.
LÍPOCHKA. You all talk that way before the wedding; but afterwards you cheat us.
PODKHALYÚZIN. May I die on the spot, Olimpiáda Samsónovna! Damnation blast me if I lie! Why should I, Olimpiáda Samsónovna? D'you think we'll live in a house like this? We'll buy one in the Karetny, ma'am; and how we'll decorate it! We'll have birds of paradise on the ceilings, sirens, various Coopids[1]—people'll pay good money just to look at it.
[Footnote 1: These are not the only words that Podkhalyúzin mispronounces; Olimpiáda is another.]
LÍPOCHKA. They don't paint Coopids any more nowadays.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Then we'll let 'em paint bókays. [Silence] If you'd only agree on your side, then I don't want anything more in life. [Silence] How unfortunate I am, anyhow, that I can't say nice compliments.
LÍPOCHKA. Why don't you talk French, Lázar Elizárych?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Because there was no reason why I should. [Silence] Make me happy, Olimpiáda Samsónovna; grant me that blessing, ma'am. [Silence] Just tell me to kneel to you.
LÍPOCHKA. Well, do it! [PODKHALYÚZIN kneels] What a horrid waistcoat you have on!
PODKHALYÚZIN. I'll give this one to Tishka, ma'am, and I'll get myself one on the Kuznetsky Bridge, only don't ruin me! [Silence] Well, Olimpiáda Samsónovna, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. Let me think.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Think about what, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. How can I help thinking?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, you don't need to think!
LÍPOCHKA. I'll tell you what, Lázar Elizárych!
PODKHALYÚZIN. What're your orders, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. Carry me off on the quiet.
PODKHALYÚZIN. But why on the quiet, ma'am, when your papa and mamma are so willing?
LÍPOCHKA. That's quite the thing to do. Well, if you don't want to carry me off, why, let it go as it is.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Olimpiáda Samsónovna, just let me kiss your little hand! [He kisses it; then he jumps up and runs to the door] Daddy, sir!
LÍPOCHKA. Lázar Elizárych! Lázar Elizárych! Come here!
PODKHALYÚZIN. What do you want, ma'am?
LÍPOCHKA. Oh, if you knew, Lázar Elizárych, what my life here is like! Mamma says one thing one day, and another the next; papa, when he isn't drunk, has nothing to say; but when he's drunk he's apt to beat you at any moment. How's a cultivated young lady going to endure such a life? Now, if I could marry a nobleman, I'd go out of this house, and could forget about all that. But now everything will go on as before.
PODKHALYÚZIN. No, ma'am, Olimpiáda Samsónovna; it won't be that way! Olimpiáda Samsónovna, as soon as we've celebrated the wedding, we'll move into our own house, ma'am. And then we won't let 'em boss us. No, here's an end to all that, ma'am! That'll do for them—they ran things in their day, now it's our turn.
LÍPOCHKA. Just look here, Lázar Elizárych, we shall live by ourselves at our house, and they by themselves at their house. We'll do everything fashionably, and they, just as they please.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's the idea, ma'am.
LÍPOCHKA. Well, call papa now.
[She rises and prinks before the mirror.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Papa! Papa! Sir! Mamma!