SCENE IV
The same and LÁZAR, RISPOLÓZHENSKY, and FOMÍNISHNA in the doorway.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. How do you do, my dear Samsón Sílych! How do you do, my dear Agraféna Kondrátyevna! Olimpiáda Samsónovna, how do you do!
BOLSHÓV. How are you, old man, how are you! Do us the favor to sit down.
You sit down, too, Lázar!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Won't you have a snack? I have a relish all ready for you.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Why shouldn't I, dear lady? I'd just like a thimbleful of something now.
BOLSHÓV. Let's all go in together pretty soon; but now, meanwhile, we can have a little talk.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why not have a little talk? D'you know, my jewels, I heard—it must have been printed in the newspaper, whether it's true or not—that a second Bonaparte has been born, and it may be, my jewels——
BOLSHÓV. Bonaparte's all right, but we'll trust most of all in the mercy of
God; it's not a question of that now.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What is it a question of, my pearl?
BOLSHÓV. Why, about the fact that our years are approaching their decline; our health also is failing every minute, and the Creator alone can foresee what is ahead. So we have proposed, while we're still living, to give in marriage our only daughter; and in regard to her settlement we may hope also that she'll not bring into ill repute our resources and origin; above all, in other people's eyes.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Just hear how sweetly he tells that, the jewel!
BOLSHÓV. And since now our daughter is here in person, and in view of the fact that we are convinced of the honorable conduct and the sufficient means of our future son-in-law, which for us is a matter of extreme concern, in consideration of God's blessing, we hereby designate him in the presence of these witnesses. Lipa, come here.
LÍPOCHKA. What do you want, daddy?
BOLSHÓV. Come here to me. I shan't eat you, never fear. Well, now, Lázar, toddle up!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Been ready a long time, sir!
BOLSHÓV. Now, Lipa, give me your hand.
LÍPOCHKA. How! What nonsense is this? Where did you get this rubbish?
BOLSHÓV. Look out that I don't have to force you!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Now you're catching it, young lady!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Lord! What on earth is this?
LÍPOCHKA. I don't want to! I don't want to! I won't marry anything so disgusting!
FOMÍNISHNA. The power of the cross be with us!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Evidently, daddy, it's not for me to see happiness in this world! Evidently, sir, it can't be as you would wish!
BOLSHÓV. [Seizes LÍPOCHKA violently by the arm; takes LÁZAR'S hand] Why can't it, if I want it to be? What am I your father for, if not to command you? Have I fed her for nothing?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What're you doing! What're you doing! Recollect yourself!
BOLSHÓV. Stay on your own side of the fence! This is none of your business!
Well, Lipa! Here's your future husband! I ask you to love and cherish him!
Sit down side by side and talk nice; and then we'll have a fine dinner and
set about the wedding.
LÍPOCHKA. What! Do you think I want to sit down with that booby! What nonsense!
BOLSHÓV. If you won't sit down, I'll sit you down, and put an end to your monkey-business!
LÍPOCHKA. Who ever heard of educated young ladies being married off to their employees!
BOLSHÓV. Better shut up! If I say so, you'll marry the porter. [Silence.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Say, now, Agraféna Kondrátyevna, if that isn't a pity!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. I myself, the mother, am as much in the dark as a clothes-closet. And I can't understand what in the world has caused this!
FOMÍNISHNA. Lord! I'm past sixty, and how many weddings I've seen; but I've never seen anything so shameful as this.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. What do you mean, you murderers; do you want to dishonor the girl?
BOLSHÓV. Yes, much I have to listen to your high-falutin' talk. I've decided to marry my daughter to a clerk, and I'll have my way, and don't you dare argue; I don't give a hang for anybody. Come now, we'll go take a snack; but just let them kid each other, and maybe they'll make it up somehow or other.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Let's go, Samsón Sílych, and you and I, for company, will just take a thimbleful. Yes, yes, Agraféna Kondrátyevna, that's the first duty, that children should obey their parents. We didn't start that custom, and we shan't see the last of it.
They all rise and go out except LÍPOCHKA, PODKHALYÚZIN, and AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA.
LÍPOCHKA. Mamma, what does this mean? Does he want to make a cook of me? [She weeps.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Mamma, ma'am! Such a son-in-law as will respect you and, naturally, make your old age happy, aside from me you won't find, ma'am.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. How are you going to do that, my dear?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Mamma, ma'am! God has made me aspire so high, ma'am for this reason, ma'am, because the other fellow, mamma, will turn you down flat, ma'am; but I, till I land in my coffin [weeps], must have feeling, ma'am!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Ah, saints alive! But how can this be?
BOLSHÓV. [Through the door] Wife, come here!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. Coming, my dear, coming!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Mamma, you remember the word I said just now!
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA goes out.