SCENE V
The same, RISPOLÓZHENSKY and AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. My dear Agraféna Kondrátyevna, haven't you pickled your cucumbers yet?
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA. No, my dear. Cucumbers now, indeed! What do I care about them! But have you pickled yours?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Certainly we have, my dear lady. Nowadays they're very dear; they say the frost got them. My dear Lázar Elizárych, how do you do? Is that vodka? I'll just take a thimbleful, Lázar Elizárych.
AGRAFÉNA KONDRÁTYEVNA goes out with OLIMPIÁDA SAMSÓNOVNA.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why is it you've favored us with a visit, may I inquire?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. He, he, he!—What a joker you are, Lázar Elizárych! Of course you know why.
PODKHALYÚZIN. And what may that be, I should like to know, sir?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. For money, Lázar Elizárych, for money! Anybody else might come for something different, but I always come for money!
PODKHALYÚZIN. You come mighty blamed often for money.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. How can I help it, Lázar Elizárych, when you give me only five rubles at a time? You see I have a family.
PODKHALYÚZIN. You couldn't expect me to give you a hundred at a time!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. If you'd give it to me all at once, I shouldn't keep coming to you.
PODKHALYÚZIN. You know about as much about business as a pig does about pineapples; and what's more, you take bribes. Why should I give you anything?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Why, indeed!—You yourself promised to!
PODKHALYÚZIN. I myself promised! Well, I've given you money—you've made your profit, and that'll do; it's time to turn over a new leaf.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What do you mean by "time to turn over a new leaf"? You still owe me fifteen hundred rubles.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Owe you! Owe you! As if you had some document! And what for?
For your rascality!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What do you mean by "rascality"? For my toil, not for my rascality!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Your toil!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Well, whatever it may be for, just give me the money, or a note for it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. What, sir! A note! Not much, you come again when you're a little older.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Do you want to swindle me with my little children?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Swindle, indeed! Here, take five rubles more, and go to the devil.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. No, wait! You'll not get rid of me with that.
TISHKA enters.
PODKHALYÚZIN. What are you going to do to me?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. My tongue isn't bought up yet.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, perhaps you want to lick me, do you?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. No, not lick you, but to tell the whole thing to all respectable people.
PODKHALYÚZIN. What are you going to talk about, you son of a sea-cook! And who's going to believe you?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Who's going to believe me?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Yes! Who's going to believe you? Just take a look at yourself!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Who's going to believe me? Who's going to believe me?
You'll see! Yes, you'll see! Holy saints, but what can I do? It's my death!
He's swindling me, the robber, swindling me! No, you wait! You'll see! It's
against the law to swindle!
PODKHALYÚZIN. But what'll I see?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Here's what you'll see! You just wait, just wait, just wait! You think I won't have the law on you? You wait!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Wait; yes, wait!—As it is, I've waited long enough. Quit your bluffing, you don't scare me.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. You think no one will believe me? Won't believe me? Well, let 'em insult me! I—here's what I'll do: Most honorable public!
PODKHALYÚZIN. What're you doing? What're you doing? Wake up!
TISHKA. Shame on you; you're just running around drunk!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Wait, wait!—Most honorable public! I have a wife, four children—look at these miserable boots!—
PODKHALYÚZIN. All lies, gentlemen! A most dishonorable man, gentlemen! That'll do for you, that'll do!—You'd better look out for yourself first, and see what you're up to!
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Lemme go! He plundered his father-in-law! And he's swindling me.—A wife, four children, worn-out boots!
TISHKA. You can have 'em half-soled.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. What're you talking about? You're a swindler, too!
TISHKA. Not at all, sir; never mind.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh! But what are you moralizing about?
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. No, you wait! I'll remember you! I'll send you to Siberia!
PODKHALYÚZIN. Don't believe him, it's all lies, gentlemen! There, gentlemen, he's a most dishonorable man himself, gentlemen; he isn't worth your notice! Bah, my boy, what a lout you are! Well, I never knew you—and not for any blessings on earth would I have anything to do with you.
RISPOLÓZHENSKY. Hold on there, hold on! Take that, you dog! Well, may you be strangled with my money, and go to the devil! [He goes out.
PODKHALYÚZIN. How mad he got! [To the public] Don't you believe him, I mean him who was talking, gentlemen—that's all lies. None of that ever happened. He must have seen all that in a dream. But now we're just opening a little shop: favor us with your patronage. Send the baby to us, and we won't sell him a wormy apple!