VERGER WHITE, DETECTIVE
1 Verger White and his pet tortoise Ermyntrude. White is playing the trombone, while Ermyntrude is running up and down the curtains.
“A Client arrives.”
2 A client arrives. White puts away the trombone, tells his client what he has come for, and the name of the person who committed the burglary with violence. The client agrees, noting subconsciously that White has a habit of flapping his left ear when thinking deeply.
3 White takes the case. It is a case of whiskey, which the client has thoughtfully provided. He turns up a file of the Quiver, and reads through the Postal Guide.
4 He finds what he wants. He calls Ermyntrude and starts off. He takes a taxicab to Waterloo, and goes by train to Richmond.
5 He returns to Hammersmith, takes a motor-bus to Barnes, and train back to Waterloo. Having thus thrown off his pursuers, he walks to Vauxhall, followed by Ermyntrude.
6 He secures assistance from local police and fire brigade, and between them they arrest the supposititious criminal—a blind paralytic.
7 White is rewarded with the Freedom of Tooting Bee and a complimentary dinner at The Stag, Kennington. Responding to the toast of “Our Greatest Detective,” he returns the compliment by Tooting on the trombone. He remains under the table, flapping his left ear, while Ermyntrude sleeps coiled up in the instrument.
THE TOPICAL BUDGET
LIFE IN THE NAVY. By a Soldier
1 The Ratings at Their Work. The Sailor sailing the boat. Midshipman finding the centre of the ship. Boatswain balancing himself to prevent the boat swaying. Purser collecting purses. Assistant Paymaster assisting the Paymaster. Paymaster paying Officers in their own coin. The Lootnant looting. The First Lootnant saluting. The Commodore commodoring. Post Captain delivering the mails. Admiral with his baton and broom.
2 Flying the Blue Peter. Popular sport. Whole crew paraded to watch. Peter, a young lady-bird, is first dipped in sulphate of copper. A rope is attached to the maintopgallant staysail, while the other end is fastened to Peter’s leg. The band plays “O for the wings of a dove,” and Peter is prodded with a marlin-spike till he flies.
3 Weighing the Lead. The cook brings his scales on to the bridge. The sailors swing the lead in turn, endeavouring to lodge it on the scales. Only the oldest sailors can do it properly, as it requires much knack. When it settles on the scales it is weighed by a waiter.
4 Splicing the Mainbrace. (This is one of the pair worn by the Captain, and often bursts under the strain of responsibility.) The two ends are unravelled, adjusted, twisted, intertwined, and finally wrapped round and round with sailors’ yarn. Very telling.
5 Shivering the Timbers. The carpenters parade with adzes and belaying pins. The timber is pinned to the running blocks. Carpenters remove their hose. Cold water is turned on to the timber from the hose. If the temperature is too high, it is almost impossible to make the timbers shiver.
THE TOPICAL BUDGET
LIFE IN THE ARMY. By a Sailor
1 Physical Jerks. The Doctor in his dispensary. The Army enters one by one. Each man is recorded as A1, then examined with an empty stethoscope without lenses. He is told he has a tendency to appendicitis, and is given a bottle of N.Y.D. As he leaves the room he jerks the physic through the porthole. Hence the name.
2 Chewing the Rag. (All soldiers do it.) Rags of various kinds. The Serjeant-major’s. The A.S.C. (more usual). The rag before chewing. It looks something like a ration. Group of old sweats chewing the same. Enter Orderly Officer: “Any complaints?” He vanishes. Chewing is resumed, but the rag is never consumed.
3 Duck-shoving. (Pastime invented by Drake.) A pair of white ducks is tethered to the last post. Each soldier has a drum, which he tries to beat with a duck’s drumstick. As soon as one soldier seizes a duck, another soldier pushes the duck away. The game is played with great fierceness, and causes much amusement, especially to the ducks.
4 Drawing Rations. A huge pair of ration pinchers advances on the Purser. A tin of bully is extracted, sounding like a gramophone. An officer intervenes with the remark: “You can’t have that; this is a pickle day.” He whistles. The tin returns to store. A case of rum is pinched. The officer smiles. He knows it is lime-juice.
5 Square-pushing. This sport requires much secrecy, and no soldier will tell you how he does it. The youngest recruit is sent for the key of the square. The older soldiers don special boots for the function. Mounted services wear special spurs, whose rowels sound like an harp. The order is then given, “On the hands, down,” and the square is pushed. The older birds slope off.