ACTIONS INDOORS
Section 1. A gentleman should never leave his room without a complete attire, as it is essential that he present the same appearance before a servant as a lady. The same rule should apply when he risks encountering unknown gentlemen, or acquaintances, as it should be his desire to receive respect at the hands of both sexes.
2. If passing up or down stairs or through halls, a gentleman should take care not to tread heavily; especially is this urged in hotels, when it is found necessary to pass through hallways late at night.
3. When about to ascend or descend a narrow stairway, if a lady is discovered thereon, step aside and allow her to pass; your act thus permitting her free way without the discomfort of turning, as would follow if both met thereon.
If with a lady, in ascending or descending a narrow stairway, always precede her, putting a distance of at least four steps between. If on a broad stairway, allow her to occupy a place next the balustrade, placing yourself at her other side.
4. Not under any consideration should a hat be worn in a house or church; never in a theater till the play is over, when it is allowable, as established by custom, on account of the draft following the opening of the exits, and not in a hotel except in the office or smoking-rooms thereof. The wearing of a hat is also permissible when lingering or detained in the draft of any open exit to the street.
5. The body-coat should never be removed in the presence of ladies, no matter how ready they may be to approve of the act, unless it is their express and unanimous desire, in which case the better policy, in choosing between the alternative of positive rudeness and a fall of dignity, is to take the course requested.
6. An overcoat should never be worn in a private house unless the temperature is such as makes the act compulsory in order to preserve the health, and then only on receiving approval from the majority of those ladies (only) who may be present. It is immaterial if it be worn in a hotel, exceptions being made to the parlors, ball-room, dining-rooms or apartments. The overcoat should be removed immediately on entering a theater or music hall if the intention is to remove it at all, as it is the height of rudeness to rise in the seat to remove it if the act cause discomfort to, or obscures the view of, parties occupying rear or adjoining seats.
7. (a) Never add to your comfort by making your appearance displeasing to others. And under this head I would state that the pockets of either coat, vest, or trousers should never be bulged out with articles so as in any way to spoil the effect of neatness and cut of the clothing. (b) The clothes should not be allowed to wrinkle; if carefully worn, or when not in use hung smoothly on stretchers, wrinkles can be avoided. (c) The hands should never be carried awkwardly, and especially must care be taken to keep them out of the pockets; such habits mar the appearance of the gentleman.
8. Cards.—(a) If calling upon one young lady, only one card should be delivered at the door; if on two ladies, two cards are required. It is unnecessary that more than two should be sent up, even if the call is made on the whole family. This rule applies, also, in delivering cards at receptions, teas, afternoon musicales, and the like. Always send cards on occasions when you cannot attend in person. When calling upon ladies visiting a card should also be sent to their hostess.
(b) The card should always have the gentleman’s address on the right hand lower corner; or, if he has no permanent place of residence, then the name of his club, or of some person in whose care communications can be forwarded to him. If his name has too many initials to permit of using the Christian name, then “Mr.” should be used, and only the initials placed before the surname; but otherwise, the use of “Mr.” is according to taste, whether it be placed before the Christian name or omitted, though the latter is advised.
9. Calling should be confined entirely to the afternoon and evening; a few exceptions can be made in the case of very dear friends, when a call in the morning would not be out of the way. Such should be made between the hours of eleven and one. Afternoon calls should be made from three till five, exceptions being made on occasions where the lady is in the habit of having five o’clock tea, when it is allowable for the gentleman to stay till his cup or two cups are finished; on no account is he to partake of more than two. Ordinary evening calls extend from eight to ten and are not to be made later than eight-thirty. For no reason whatever should a gentleman stay later than ten, unless he is calling upon his fiancée; the evening receptions extend from eight to eleven, and the call must be made before ten.
When pressed to remain to a meal, unless at least five or six calls have previously been made, he should decline the invitation, exceptions being permitted when the young lady’s parents or guardians are on intimate terms with his own, in which case the second call will justify him in accepting. Intimacy between her brothers or sisters and your own will not suffice. The card is delivered at the door, and while waiting for the lady, enter the parlor. It is not necessary to remove the overcoat until the butler announces whether or not she is at home and can see you; whereupon, if she acknowledges your card, the overcoat, hat, cane and overshoes are to be left in the hall; on no account leave them about the parlor. It is not necessary to remove the gloves. This rule applies in all cases where ordinary calls are in question; if merely on a mission to occupy but a few moments, the overcoat may be kept on, and the cane carried in the hand, but the hat must always be left upon the rack.
Always rise and advance to meet a lady at the door; do not subject her to the inconvenience of discovering you and coming to you herself. If the lady seats herself upon a sofa, do not place yourself beside her without first obtaining her consent. If you take the seat, be careful of your position, and do not appear too easy and at home, and, above all, do not cross the legs. Also, keep the hands as quiet as possible; don’t handle any objects or toy with ornaments, or twist your watch-chain, for it shows you are either nervous or fidgety, and you thereby produce the nervous effect upon your companion. The conversation should be of a sensible topic; or, if amusing, it should be at least interesting: the best topics to converse upon being theaters, plays, society, picture exhibitions, art, buildings, literature, and especially light gossip. Travels may also be discussed, but first ascertain of the lady whether she has traveled; if not, and she does not ask you to recite your travels, and it is your desire to do so, then describe them as briefly as possible. If you find a young lady begins to appear restless, say a few words more and take your departure; there is no knowing but that she has some other engagement. Never at any time speak of an acquaintance in a disagreeable manner. Do not even say anything unguardedly about a third person, for fear that the trait or action you describe may disclose to your companion of whom you are speaking. These last two cautions may seem of minor importance, but they are, on the contrary, very important, as thousands of serious quarrels result from neglecting them.
10. When in company, do not by word or action make yourself obnoxious to those present. Your words should be well chosen and spoken at the proper time, and in good grammar; omit slang. If of a joking frame of mind, deliver your joke in a quiet way, and do not carry your ability too far; for too much of a good thing is worse than none at all. A few good jokes, delivered with telling effect, will do more for your reputation in that line than a thousand poor ones improperly delivered. No man should laugh at his own joke, and when doing so at others’ he should take care not to be boisterous. Do not monopolize the conversation; it cannot be done without interrupting others, and to do that is the height of rudeness. When in company, and persons are talking, do not pick them up on any statement of which you do not approve, and pointedly contradict them, nor start any argument which would tend to their embarrassment. Never flatter or compliment in company, as it makes the object of your attention feel conspicuous, and those present imagine that they are of less importance in your estimation. Do not ask a young lady to attend any entertainment with you, or do not extend any invitation if another lady be present, with whom you are even but slightly acquainted; your partiality for one should never be disclosed to another. Unless you can do it gracefully, do not execute a dance or attempt to imitate stage performers.
Also take care not to upset or run into ornaments or stub the toe against them, and be sure of your footing, that you do not trip on mats, etc. A great many gentlemen imagine it to be necessary to back out of a room on taking their departure; not so,—merely say “good-by” (or “good-morning,” or words suited to the time of day), and, turning to the door, walk out to the hallway. If the hostess has an inclination or desire to follow you and continue any unfinished subject which may have been under discussion, it is not necessary to retire in so awkward a manner. Promptly announce your intention and enter the hall; while adjusting the overcoat and gloves, the conversation can be continued. This method can be exercised without the faintest appearance of rudeness.… Subjects to be carefully studied for company use may be found under the head of “Conversation.”
11. If you are at a special invitation afternoon tea or reception, pay particular attention to the hostess whenever she is seen unoccupied, and offer your company in escorting her to partake of refreshments. Always eat lightly of the viands yourself. If a crowded reception, half an hour only should be spent thereat. A reception call should be made within three months thereafter; half an hour, or possibly three-quarters, is proper for such a call.
12. A gentleman should never enter his sister’s luncheon hall when the repast is in progress; such intrusions prove fatal to topics of dress generally under discussion, or other matter not intended for his ears. A gentleman can give a stag luncheon, or a luncheon for both ladies and gentlemen if a chaperon presides.
Under this head informal lunches may also be discussed. These are such as persons are apt to partake of without any special previous arrangement, either at restaurants or private houses. As a gentleman is at liberty to dine where he pleases, I only speak of the subject in connection with ladies.
A gentleman should never invite a lady to lunch at his own house, no matter how well acquainted he may be with her, not even when engaged, unless a chaperon be present at the meal, and not invite her at all unless he has met her very frequently beforehand.
A gentleman can accept an invitation to lunch with a lady under the same conditions as those of an invitation to stay to dinner when calling (see Sec. 9.)
When desirous of asking a lady to lunch at a restaurant, whether you take her direct from the house to it, or while walking, makes no difference; a chaperon must be present at the meal unless you bear an existing or agreed future relationship to her, or your friendship is understood by your own and the lady’s friends to be so dear as not to allow of suspicion or question—when a chaperon can be dispensed with.
Without a chaperon be extremely careful in your selection of a restaurant; seek those whose reputation is quiet and refined and of less publicity than the rest of the well-known restaurants. Always when with a lady enter the restaurant by the door intended for ladies’ use; never by the public entrance.
13. Evening parties should be attended before the hour of eleven, in full dress. If with a lady do not keep her waiting, but rather let her find you awaiting her at the dressing-room door. If alone or otherwise take care to seek the hostess on entering the parlor; this is a piece of politeness sadly overlooked nowadays, especially by individual gentlemen. At a dance always take the inside arm of a lady while promenading. Repeatedly ask after her thirst, and never allow her to approach the refreshment table, but bring the glass to her on your kerchief if there are no doilys. Always pay particular attention to the hostess, and ask her repeatedly to dance. Never, if idle and you see her without a partner, allow her to remain thus alone; under such circumstances, likes and dislikes should be set aside, or you should not have attended the dance. Always offer your arm to your partner immediately on ceasing to dance. Make it a rule never to leave a dance without bidding the host or hostess good-night, and thanking them for the pleasures of the evening. This is another poor policy of a great many men, to leave quietly without the knowledge of the host or hostess.
Party calls should be made within a year at the farthest after the party, and should occupy the same length of time as an ordinary call.
14. Dinners should be attended promptly on time. Always allow the ladies to be seated first. Do not attempt to pass anything if the servants are present, nor even if they are not present unless expressly requested to do so.
Do not attempt to speak when the mouth contains food. When spoken to, a motion of the head will be sufficient to convey the reply intended, and at the same time to acquaint your questioner with the fact that he has spoken inopportunely. In order to conform to the various customs it is advisable to abstain as long as is prudent from folding the napkin till you view the action therein of the host or hostess. But this is only necessary at more or less informal dinners. The prevailing custom of formal dinners is never to fold the napkin. Care must be taken not to make noises with the mouth, when eating, and not to smack the lips. If a total abstainer from drink, you must not turn your glasses upside-down, nor allow them filled. Merely stop the servant when your glass is half filled, thus preventing comment and complete waste at one and the same time. You must not call the servants, but endeavor to beckon them to you with the head and eyes, not with the finger. Never speak louder than will allow of a comprehension of what you are saying. Do not toy with articles on the table, and when the hands are not employed in eating they must be kept in the lap. Don’t put the elbows on the table. Reading is not to be indulged in at the table, unless it is a letter or special communication, when you must beg pardon for your rudeness. Do not leave the table before the rest have finished except in case of necessity, and then by permission only, always excusing yourself. When remaining till the finish, never rise till the host or hostess or both have signified that the meal is at an end, by rising first.
15. There is one custom in this work which above all others is essential to every man who has any desire to play the rôle of a thorough social success, and that requirement is dancing. There is not one thing which a society gentleman performs, which gives so much enjoyment not only to himself, but to others. Nothing is more closely criticized, nothing more prominent when in execution; nothing more benefiting as an exercise, and nothing more satisfactory to the performer, than dancing. By that word is meant any performance which has the name of dance, and which has the requisites of “grace,” “ease,” and “perfect performance.” To be a perfect dancer the above expressions in reference to your dancing should be won from your admirers. Do not think, because you have an idea of how to dance, that you really do so perfectly. The first requirement to good dancing is grace. If you are graceful you cannot appear awkward to on-lookers, for your step is firm, body quiet, and arms still. The arm is never pumped, and the feet are barely lifted off the floor. To have ease, a dancer should appear confident of his ability, and show that ability by a correct and actual performance of the dance in the above-explained graceful way. To have a perfect performance of a dance, both of the former requirements are to be exercised, with these additional requisites, viz.: use a long decided glide, never jump or hop, always reverse equally as much as you turn the original way, keep to the side of the room, direction to the right from the entrance. Do not collide with other couples, or at least protect your partner from sudden collisions, and on no account allow her to slip.
The right hand should be at the lady’s back, between the lower ends of the shoulder-blades, and should always carry a silk handkerchief. Never in dancing hold a lady close to you, for it is the most disagreeable position for her, and looks decidedly improper. Hold your partner at all times at arms’ length; this gives you freedom of speech, space to use the feet, and allows you to glide more easily. In a waltz, always take a long, sweeping glide, with as little rise as possible. Any step between a Boston dip and the Philadelphia glide, if used as a sort of an imperceptible, sweeping dip, will appear to great advantage on the floor. A Polka should either be glided or walked through; never skip, and do not take too long a step, and do away entirely with all fancy variations of the dance. Keep strictly to the original Polka form and you will avoid all awkward appearances. The same rule applies to the Yorke, Galop, etc. The Schottische is a beautiful dance, if performed gracefully as in the waltz, only much more care should be exercised in the forward steps. Do not use that once popular, but awkward manner of skipping in this dance, but the more modern three running steps. Those familiar with all these popular dances will comprehend the importance of my criticisms. The Caprice is the combination dance of waltz and polka, and necessitates more care and attention than any other. Nothing but the glide step should be used in this dance.
16. Balls, Dancing Classes, Theater Parties, Receptions.—These may all be given by gentlemen, if they have married ladies as patronesses. Theater parties can be followed by dinners at the popular restaurants, the chaperon attending. If the party occupies more than one box, an equal number of chaperons should accompany it.
17. Bowling—Card-playing.—In bowling, a gentleman should keep the score, notify the ladies of their turns as they come round, hand them the balls—not too large, but heavy enough to be thrown with ease and effect. See that they enjoy the game thoroughly, or else cease the sport. If you notice fatigue in a lady’s manner, ask her to desist. Many sprains, dislocations, and twists are the result of attempting to throw balls with tired wrists. A gentleman can organize a bowling club under the supervision of a chaperon attending each meeting.
At cards, he pays strict attention to those playing; he endeavors to make the games pleasant. He should never look over another’s hand of cards; and, above all, should never cheat. He should never gamble and bet on cards, nor allow games of that kind in his house.
18. Musicales—Matinée Parties.—Gentlemen attend these either as escorts or alone. They are at liberty to give them whenever they desire to do so. They must always have a patroness or chaperon present.
19. (1) When asked to participate in amateur theatricals, do not unhesitatingly accept the invitation, but first consider your ability, not only to act the part tendered you, but that which is of more importance, viz., to be able to act gracefully, and carry it out in all its perfection; for it is only of too frequent occurrence that young men readily accept, confident of being able to memorize their part, disregarding the fact that memorizing is not acting. After having accepted an invitation to act, being of fair ability so to do, be careful to pay strict attention to your part, and be punctual at all the rehearsals. Gentlemen can organize amateur theatrical clubs among themselves at discretion, but on no occasion should ladies be included without a chaperon at hand.
(2) Never offer to recite, and if asked to do so, decline, unless you are sure of what you are about to recite. Do not make your recitations too lengthy, and not too dramatic. Be sure that your gestures are fitted for the words used; make them few, but telling. Do not hurry through a piece; and above all, do not shout; suit the voice to the size of the room or hall in which you are reciting. If encored, acknowledge such by another piece, or repetition of the first; but to further applause, merely bow.
20. Breakfasts can be given at any time within the hours of eight and twelve A. M., to gentlemen, or ladies and gentlemen, a chaperon being present for the latter. Invitations for these, as for any other event, should be answered within the customary time—two weeks before the occurrence; or, if the invitation is later than two weeks before date of breakfast, an immediate reply is necessary.
21. When in company never offer to sing unless you are perfectly confident of your ability to satisfy the expectations of those present. If asked to sing, unless of ability to do so, be not too ready to accept the invitation, but wait till it is tendered you again, so that, in case of failure, you be not looked so unfavorably upon as if you had accepted readily; the same rule applies to playing upon instruments. When singing or playing reply to only one encore; to more, merely bow or offer your excuses.
