MULES
"Is you gwine ter let dat mewel do as he pleases?" asked Uncle Ephraim's wife.
"Wha's you will-power?"
"My will-power's all right" he answered "You jes' want ter come out hyar an' measure dis mewel's won't power."
Somewhere in France a tall negro dough-boy was trying to pull to his feet a mule who persisted obstinately in sitting down. The darkey tugged and strained but the mule remained obdurate. Finally the man desisted and glaring at the mule, remarked "As you were, mule, as you were."
"What's become of your chauffeur?"
"Oh, he was with the regiment down in Texas and crawled under an army mule to see why it wouldn't go."
"Some men," said Uncle Eben, "put in der lives kickin' at nothin'. Bar's dis much to be said foh de mule. If he's interested enough to kick, he's willin' to go to de trouble of takin' aim."
"Love's Labor Lost"
Luke had been sent to the store with the mule and wagon. What happened is told in Luke's end of the conversation over the telephone from the store.
"Gimme seb'n-'leben.
"Gimme dat number quick, please 'm.
"Dis yer's Luke, suh.
"Dis yer's Luke, I say, suh.
"I tuk de wagon to de sto' fo dat truck.
"Yas, suh, I'm at de sto'.
"Dat mule, she balk, suh.
"She's balkin' in de big road, near de sto'.
"No, suh, she ain' move.
"No, suh, I don' think she's gwine move.
"Yas, suh, I beat 'er.
"I did beat 'er good.
"She's jes' r'ar a li'l bit, suh.
"Yas, suh, she kick, too.
"She jes' bus' de whiffletree li'l bit, suh.
"No, suh, dat mule won't lead.
"Yas, suh, I tried it.
"No, suh, jes' bit at me.
"No, suh, I ain't tickle de laigs.
"I tickle um las' year, suh, once.
"Yas, suh, we twis' 'er tail.
"No, suh, I ain' done it.
"Who done it?
"I t'ink he's li'l travelin' man f'um Boston, suh. He twis' 'er tail.
"Yas, suh! She sho' did!
"Right spang in de face, suh.
"Dey's got 'im at de sto'.
"Dey say he's comin' to, suh.
"I don' know—he do look mighty sleepy to me, suh.
"Yas, suh, we tried dat.
"Yas, suh, we built a fire under 'er.
"No, suh, dat ain' make 'er go.
"She jes' move up li'l bit, suh.
"Yas, suh, de wagon bu'n right up. Dat's whut I'm telephonin' yu 'bout—to ast yu please sen' a wagon to hitch up to dis yer mule. She ain' gwine budge lessen she's hitched up. Good-by, suh."
Ephum Johnson was up before Judge Shimmerplate on a cruelty to animals charge.
"Deed Ah wasn't abusing dat mule, judge," the old man demurred.
"Did you not strike it repeatedly with a club?"
"Yassah."
"And do you not know that you can accomplish more with animals by speaking to them?"
"Yassah; but this critter am different. He am so deef he can't hear me when Ah speaks to him in de usual way, so Ah has to communicate wid him in de sign language."
On mules we find two legs behind
And two we find before;
We stand behind before we find
What the two behind stand for!
A teacher was instructing a class in English and called on a small boy named Jimmy Brown.
"James," she said, "write on the board, 'Richard can ride the mule if he wants to.'"
"Now," continued the teacher when Jimmy had finished writing, "can you find a better form for that sentence?"
"Yes, ma'am, I think I can," was the prompt answer. "'Richard can ride the mule if the mule wants him to.'"
A mule-skinner in France was trying to drive a mule, with a wagon load, through a hospital gate. The mule would do anything but pass through the gate.
"Want any 'elp, chum?" shouted one of the hospital orderlies.
"No," replied the driver; "but I'd like to know how Noah got two of these blighters into the Ark!"
"Why don't you get rid of that mule?" asked one Virginia darky of another.
"Well, yo' see, Jim," replied the other, "I hates to give in. Ef I was to trade dat mule off he'd regard it as a pussunal victory. He's been tryin' fo' de last six weeks to get rid of me."