PREACHING
The railroad official invited the stern citizen to communicate his troubles.
"I want you to give orders," demanded the visitor, "that the engineer of the express which passes through Elm Grove at 11:55 be restrained from blowing his whistle Sunday mornings."
"Impossible!" exploded the official. "What prompts you to make such a ridiculous request?"
"Well, you see," explained the citizen in an undertone, "our pastor preaches until he hears the whistle blow and that confounded express was twenty minutes late last Sunday."
The American in England affords cause for much perplexity and astonishment to his English kinsmen.
A Yankee soldier was being shown over an old church wherein hundreds of people were buried.
"A great many people sleep between these walls," said the guide, indicating the inscription-covered floor with a sweep of his hand.
"So?" said the Sammy. "Same way over in our country. Why don't you get a more interesting preacher?"
A colored preacher called on a white minister.
He found the white man busy writing.
"What you-all doin'?" he asked.
"I'm preparing notes for my sermon for next Sunday."
The colored gentleman shook his head.
"I certainly would nebber do dat, sir," he said. "De debbil am a-lookin' right over your shoulder and knows everything you gwine to say and he am prepared for you. Now, I don't make no notes and when I gets up to talk, neder me nor de debbil hisself don't know what I'm goin' to say."
Bishop Partridge is a collector of anecdotes about ministers, and in an anecdotal mood he said the other day:
"I once asked a minister how he had got through a certain service. He answered grimly:
"'Well, bishop, the service was soothing, moving and satisfactory.'
"'Yes,' I said a little puzzled.
"'Yes, exactly,' said he. 'It was soothing because over half the congregation went to sleep. It was moving because half of the other half left before I was through. And it must have been satisfactory, inasmuch as I wasn't asked to come again.'"
The minister had just preached his farewell sermon to the congregation with whom he had had much trouble.
"How beautiful!" said a visitor to one of the deacons, "and how appropriate for a farewell sermon!"
"Think so?" said the deacon gruffly.
"Why, yes. What better text could he find than 'In My Father's house are many mansions.... I go to prepare a place for you.' By the way, where is he going?"
The deacon smiled sourly as he answered: "He becomes chaplain of the State penitentiary."
While a certain Scottish minister was conducting religious services in an asylum for the insane, one of the inmates cried out wildly:
"I say, have we got to listen to this?"
The minister, surprised and confused, turned to the keeper and said:
"Shall I stop speaking?"
The keeper replied:
"No, no; gang along, gang along; that will not happen again. That man only has one lucid moment every seven years."
Mr. Bryan says his next statement will be divided into three parts. Instinctively we recall the announcement of a mountaineer preacher who said to his flock:
"Brethren, I hev decided t' divide my sermon in three parts. Th' fust part I'll understand an' you won't. Th' second part you'll understand an' I won't. Th' third part nobody'll understand."
The teacher had asked, "Why did David say he would rather be a door-keeper in the house of the Lord?"
"Because," answered a boy, "he could then walk outside while the sermon was being preached."
"It was hot last Sunday night when the preacher started his Sunday sermon," says the Fort Scott (Kan.) Tribune.
"He observed that his sermon would be brief; that to be immortal, it is not necessary to be eternal."
The critical instinct grows by what it is fed upon. No matter how well you do, some people are never satisfied and this is especially true in families.
A Philadelphia divine was entertaining a couple of clergymen from New York at dinner. The guests spoke in praise of a sermon their host had delivered the Sunday before. The host's son was at the table, and one of the New York clergymen said to him: "My lad, what did you think of your father's sermon?"
"I guess it was very good," said the boy, "but there were three mighty fine places where he could have stopped."
See also Clergy.