PUNISHMENT
In one of the many navy schools a young instructor was attempting to teach English to a gruff old sailor. "What is a complete sentence?" he said.
"Solitary confinement, bread and water," was the grim reply.
Among the Monday morning culprits haled before a Baltimore police magistrate was a darky with no visible means of support.
"What occupation have you here in Baltimore?" asked his Honor.
"Well, jedge," said the darky, "I ain't doin' much at present—jest circulatin' round, suh."
His Honor turned to the clerk of the court and said:
"Please enter the fact that this gentleman has been retired from circulation for sixty days."
"Germany is going to be badly surprised when the Allies' peace terms are read to her. The peace terms are very severe—just, but very severe."
The speaker was Assistant Secretary of the Navy Roosevelt. He went on:
"Germany is going to feel like Rastus Rosin, who was convicted of stealing a hog.
"'Rastus,' the judge said to him, 'you are fined $5.'
"'Jedge,' said Rastus, 'Ah'm obliged to ye. Ah got dat five spot right here in mah left-hand vest-pocket.'
"'Well,' continued the judge, 'just dig down in your right-hand vest-pocket, Rastus, and see if you can find thirty days.'"
Mamie had been naughty and her mother finally had recourse to the time-honored remedy in such cases.
"Mamma," she sobbed, "did Gran'ma spank you when you was little?"
"Yes, dear," said her mother, "she did when I was naughty."
"And did her mother spank her?"
"Yes."
"An" was she spanked, too, when she was bad?"
"Yes."
"Well, who started this blamed thing anyhow?"
"Judge," said the man at the bar, "there's no use of you trying to square this thing up. My wife and I fight just so often and just so long, and we can't help it. So there you are."
"And about how long do you keep it up?" asked the judge.
"About two weeks, judge."
"All right. I'll give you fifteen days in jail; in other words, you are interned for the duration of the war."
VISITOR (comforting Tommy, who has upset a bottle of ink on the new carpet)—"Never mind, my boy; no use to cry over spilled milk."
TOMMY (indignantly)—"Any dunce would know that. If it's milk that's spilled all you have to do is to call the cat an' she'll lick it up cleaner'n anything. But this ain't milk, an' mother'll do the lickin', is what ails me."
"Quite a good epigram, that," said the tramp, who had been convicted for vagrancy.
"What did he say?" asked the tramp's pal.
"Seven days."
"How d'you make that out an epigram?"
"Why," said the tramp, "I once asked a parson what an epigram was, and he said 'It's a short sentence that sounds light, but gives you plenty to think about.'"
PARSON WHITE—"Brudder Lamkins, how did yer son come outen de trial?"
BRO. LAMKINS—"De Jedge done give 'im two mumfs in de jayul."
PARSON WHITE—"'Pears ter me like as if you outer be pow'ful thankful. He got off mighty light, he did."
BRO. LAMKINS—"'Twan't 's light's you seem to think. Dey's agwinter hang 'im when de two mumfs is up."
"Rastus," said the judge sternly, "you're plain no-account and shiftless, and for this fight I'm going to send you away for a year at hard labor."
"Please, Jedge," interrupted Mrs. Rastus from the rear of the court room, "will yo' Honah jes' kinder split dat sentence? Don't send him away from home, but let dat hard labor stand."
A German spy caught redhanded was on his way to be shot.
"I think you English are brutes," he growled, "to march me through this rain and slush."
"Well," said the "Tommy" who was escorting him, "what about me? I have to go back in it."
See also Marriage.