SPEED
Spurr, the keeper of the livery stable, would never allow a horse out of his sight without giving the hirer strict injunctions not to drive fast.
One day a caller asked for a horse to attend a funeral.
"Certainly," said Spurr, and then, forgetting the solemn purpose for which his customer wanted the horse, he added, as usual, "Don't drive fast!"
"Look here, old man," was the reply, "I would like you to understand that I shall keep up with the procession if it kills the horse!"
INQUIRER (at South Station)—"Where does this train go?"
BRAKEMAN—"This train goes to New York in ten minutes."
INQUIRER—"Goodness! That's going some!"
With but three minutes to catch his train, the traveling salesman inquired of the street-car conductor, "Can't you go faster than this?"
"Yes," the bell-ringer replied, "but I have to stay with my car."
"I was out over the speedway today, and in thirty seconds I did a mile in four laps."
"That's nothing. I know a young lady who did thirty miles in one lap, and she would have done more if I hadn't got a cramp in my knees."—Puck.
A negro was on the stand in an Alabama courthouse testifying to the details of a shooting scrape. The witness told how the prisoner at the bar drew a revolver and began firing at one George Henry, and how Henry ran to save himself.
"You say Henry ran?" interjected the lawyer for the defense.
"Dat's whut I said."
"You are sure he ran?"
"Sho" is!"
"Well, did he run fast?"
"Did he run fa— Say, boss, ef dat nigger had o' had one feather in his hand he'd o' flew."