WIVES
"Are you the captain of your soul?"
"Sort of a second lieutenant," ventured Mr. Henpeck dubiously.
"Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life,
There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake.
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife."
"Why, so it is, father,—whose wife shall I take?"
—Thomas Moore.
The younger man had been complaining that he could not get his wife to mend his clothes.
"I asked her to sew a button on this vest last night and she hasn't touched it," he said. At this the older man assumed the air of a patriarch.
"Never ask a woman to mend anything," he said. "You haven't been married very long and I think I can give you some serviceable suggestions. When I want a shirt mended I take it to my wife and flourish it around a little and say, 'Where's that rag-bag?'
"'What do you want of the rag-bag?' asks the wife. Her suspicions are aroused at once.
"'I want to throw this shirt away. It's worn out,' I say, with a few more flourishes.
"'Let me see that shirt,' my wife says, then, 'Now, John, hand it to me at once.'
"Of course, I pass it over and she examines it.
"'Why, it only needs—'; and then she mends it."
"Why are you so pensive?" he asked.
"I'm not pensive," she replied.
"But you haven't said a word for twenty minutes."
"Well, I didn't have anything to say."
"Don't you ever say anything when you have nothing to say?"
"No."
"Will you be my wife?"
"What's Blinks going to do with his new noiseless typewriter?"
"If he takes my advice he'll marry her."—Life.
MRS. KNAGG—"Did the doctor ask to see your tongue?"
HUSBAND—"No; I told him about yours and he ordered me away for a rest."
"This is a very sad case, very sad indeed," said the doctor. "I much regret to tell you that your wife's mind is gone—completely gone."
"I am not a bit surprised" answered the husband. "She has been giving me a piece of it every day for the last fifteen years."
A sheik was speaking to a crowd of men in a mosque and said, "All of you who are afraid of your wives stand up." All stood up except one man. Afterwards the sheik went to this man and said, "Evidently you are not afraid of your wife." The man responded: "She gave me such a beating this morning that I was too lame to stand up."
A well-to-do Scottish woman one day said to her gardener:
"Man Tammas, I wonder you don't get married. You've a nice house, and all you want to complete it is a wife. You know the first gardener that ever lived had a wife."
"Quite right, missus, quite right," said Thomas, "but he didna keep his job long after he gat the wife."
CREWE—"Good heavens, how it rains! I feel awfully anxious about my wife. She's gone out without an umbrella."
DREW—"Oh, she'll be all right. She'll take shelter in some shop."
CREWE—"Exactly. That's what makes me so anxious."
Mrs. Clarke came running hurriedly into her husband's office one morning.
"Oh, Dick," she cried, as she gasped for breath. "I dropped my diamond ring off my finger, and I can't find it anywhere."
"It's all right, Bess," replied Mr. Clarke. "I came across it in my trousers pocket."
And Then Some
MAN expects his wife to be:
Perpetuator of the Race.
Domestic Science Expert.
Trained Kindergartner.
Social Diplomat.
Purchasing Agent.
Superintendent of Operating.
Accountant.
Social Secretary.
General Counsel.
Manager Lost and Found Department.
Advertising Agent.
Intelligence Bureau.
Family Statistician.
Mistress of the Exchequer.
Playground Supervisor.
Judge of Juvenile Court.
Valet.
Nurse.
Employer of Labor.
Artist in the Art of Living.
WOMAN is seeking an even larger sphere.
MRS. A.—"Does your husband consider you a necessity or a luxury?"
MRS. B.—"It depends, my dear, on whether I am cooking his dinner or asking for a new dress."
There are certain family privileges which we all guard jealously:
An attorney was consulted by a woman desirous of bringing action against her husband for a divorce. She related a harrowing tale of the ill-treatment she had received at his hands. So impressive was her recital that the lawyer, for a moment, was startled out of his usual professional composure. "From what you say this man must be a brute of the worst type," he exclaimed.
The applicant for divorce arose and, with severe dignity, announced: "Sir, I shall consult another lawyer. I came here to get advice as to a divorce, not to hear my husband abused!"
See also Domestic finance; Marriage; Woman